Who Is J.D. Power and Why Is He Saying All Those Nice Things About Me?

Do you remember the story of the Emperor's New Clothes? That has got to be the truest of all stories. Daily, there are examples upon examples of so-called brilliant individuals who fall victim to the Emperor's New Clothes Syndrome.
One of the biggest examples is in regards to what I consider to be an almost mafia-like shakedown operation known as J.D. Power. Before these huge corporations pay huge amounts of money to J.D.Power to tell them what their customer service is like, and how customers feel about them, why don't these brilliant people at the corporations find out if their customers care a flying flip about J.D. Power surveys.
I know I don't. Especially since I know the J.D. Power Company is dependent on the continued good-will of the companies they're rating in order to stay in business themselves. Is J.D. Power going to shoot itself in the foot in order to give an unbiased report? I don't think so.
Why don't these companies read the S.C. Cook Company report on the J.D. Power Company before they pay huge sums of money to the J.D. Power Company and then go around touting the "scientific survey" results of the J.D. Power Company?
According to the latest S.C. Cook report, the J.D. Power Company does an, at best, adequate job of evaluating customer service of the companies it serves (i.e. makes huge sums of money off of).
They rely on apparently semi-trained morons to report back to them on their findings. And, if you call them (go ahead and do it - 800 274-5372), you may well find that their phone answerers are not all that friendly, themselves. So, if they can't get good service out of their own employees, how can they help other companies get the results they want? Just a thought.
I wonder how much NAME WITHHELD NATIONAL HOMEBUILDER pays J.D. Power to call its customers and ask them if they were happy with their buying experience. If I'm going to buy a $500,000 home, it's not because of anything J.D. Power found out. I don't care what J.D. Power thinks. Unless he's going to help pay my mortgage. I'm smart enough (debatable) to figure out if I'm happy with the product and service being offered.
In fact, if I'd just bought a new home and someone called and identified themselves as being with J.D. Power, I'd be wondering how much that little phone call cost me. Cause, every expense is going into the cost of the house. I'd tell them to have NAME WITHHELD NATIONAL HOMEBUILDER call me if they want to know how happy I am. Gee, I can be a real pain in the neck sometimes. And, a lot of people have an even lower opinion of me than that.
My thinking is that if NAME WITHHELD NATIONAL HOMEBUILDER (or any other company using J.D. Power Company) doesn't know how to ensure that their customers get good service, they ought to stop selling homes until they figure it out. And, if they're going to pay J.D. Power to say nice things about them, just take the money they're giving J.D. Power and give it back to the customers. Nothing makes me say nice things about someone than their throwing a little money at me.
It's not just NAME WITHHELD NATIONAL HOMEBUILDER, of course. J.D. Power does autos and probably a bunch of other stuff. You can see my scientific survey relys more on intuition than science. But, my big question is (still), "Who cares what J.D. Power thinks."
What J.D. Power is really good at is convincing the emperor that everyone with a grain of sense can see the beautiful fabric they're using. And, if anyone can't see it, they're stupid. So, the powers that be at Centex are thinking, "Whew! That was close. I almost said 'I don't get it.'"
Not only does Centex pay big bucks to J.D. Power, they then spend big bucks to advertise for J.D. Power on their billboards. That J.D. Power must be one great salesman. If you notice, on the Centex billboards, the J.D. Power name stands out more than the Centex name. But, those guys at NAME WITHHELD NATIONAL HOMEBUILDER are marketing geniuses. They see it. They love it. They get it.
I still don't get it. I may be stupid, but I've never come to work naked.

Morning Drive

Overall, I think WRVA Radio's Jimmy Barrett is a great guy. He's very knowledgeable and does an excellent job with his morning news show. But, from my point of view, his loathing of the elderly is getting a bit tedious.
He's giddy with excitement this morning as he tells "yet another" story of an elderly driver who has run into a building. It happened "again" yesterday, when a 79-year old lady ran into the Tuckahoe YMCA. Now, admittedly, people should not be driving their cars into buildings, especially during business hours. And, I'll acknowledge that at a certain age it probably would be good to re-test elderly drivers annually.
But, Barrett would have you believe that there's some sort of bird-brain pandemic of old, confused, senile drivers. He says there's been "another" case of this. And then he goes on to say that this is the second such occurrence in recent months in Richmond. Big whoop.
Two whole cases. During that same time period, how many younger (below 65, let's say) drivers caused accidents because of being drunk, fatigued, distracted, or just pain stupid? I'm willing to bet that there have been more than two. I'm also willing to bet if you segregated statistics to show the number of accidents caused by drivers in each age group, that those caused by drivers 75 and above would not be the highest.
One reason, obviously is that a good many of those drivers are already dead. Certainly a lot of the drunks are either too dead or too brain-fried to be be driving at that age. A lot of the really poor drivers have also weeded themselves out by dying on the highways. But, even with that, I am virtually certain that elderly drivers running into buildings is way down on the list of accidents.
Barrett was also rather cruel in his attack on the poor woman because she said she didn't remember what happened. He suggested she may be suffering for "autosheimers disease." I'm sure that those who have parents and mates with Alzheimers will find that especially humorous.
But, following an accident, how many of us truly remember all the events that caused the accident? The woman could have lied and said that her foot slipped, or that a bug frightened her, or that her gas peddle stuck, but, no, she tells the truth and for that gets branded as mentally incompetent to drive.
Barrett even suggested that without benefit of a trial, her license should be revoked. Maybe he could get the KGB to just go to her home and shoot her.
This morning on the way to work, a less-than-elderly woman driver stops right in the middle of Staples Mill Road, almost causing me to rear-end her. Why? She really wanted to make a left turn but the left turn lane was filled. So this moron just stops in the road. I imagine, given the time of day, the woman was on her way to work. I think all people who drive to work should be re-tested annually. Most of them must be too stupid to drive.
That would include me. I almost merged right into a car today getting on the Interstate. I just didn't see the guy. I don't remember why I didn't see him. I didn't have a crash, but still, that wasn't because of anything I did. So, take my license, hang me by the neck until my eyes pop out of my head, or worse yet, humiliate me on the radio. I deserve it.

That's No Lady, That's My Mom

To say that there are many stupid people out there is, of course, to state the obvious. But, despite my having knowledge of that stupidity, I’m still constantly amazed at just how stupid people truly can be.
Did you hear the one about the mother in Portland, Maine who helped her daughter and a couple of her friends bake Ex-lax-filled cookies to give to a school teacher who had given one of the girls a poor grade? That woman really needs to be given some sort of an award for reaching new heights of stupidity.
Now picture this. The kids are complaining about the teacher. One of the girls says, “Hey, I know what we should do. Let’s bake some Ex-lax cookies for Mrs. Frump.” Mom laughs with the girls at the ludicrous idea and then they all go about their daily business.
That would make sense. Even June Cleaver may have (off camera) laughed at the absurdity of doing such a thing. But, in this real-life situation, Mom says, “Great idea. That’s just what Mrs. Frump deserves.”
Mom then gets her Ex-lax, shows the girls how to crush the pills up and mix them in with the cookie dough. That’s a mom that I could certainly look up to as a role model…working diligently to train her daughter in the skills of homemaking and poisoning school teachers.
And, unfortunately, too many mothers are just too busy these days with their careers to take the time to teach their sons and daughters these basic, rudimentary skills. I bet most middle-schoolers have no idea how to bake Ex-lax cookies, or how to build incendiary devices when a cookie just won’t do.
Now, evidently the police up there in Maine feel that poisoning teachers (actually, the teacher gave the cookies to some students, creating a moving experience for several) is against the law. So what did they go and do to the mother of the year? They arrested her. The poor gal appeared before the judge handcuffed and in prison garb. If this mom does hard time who is going to be home when the kids get off the school bus? Who is going to be there to show them how to carve guns out of bars of soap, or where to hide drugs or those other important things that kids are simply not going to learn in school.
Nobody, that’s who? The kids are going to have to learn such things from their friends…from the streets, so to speak. And that worries me.
But, I have to admit it’s mom’s own fault. She really should never have gotten involved. Why couldn’t she be like all those other moms you hear about. You know, those moms who are content to join the PTA and keep themselves busy baking pies and embezzling funds?

Breathless

Television just keeps getting better and better and this May's sweeps is proof of the networks' ability to keep coming up with quality programming. I'm sitting in front of the TV right now, glued to the set, as it were, watching some moron hold his breath. That's the premise of the show. The guy is going to hold his breath for nine, count 'em, nine minutes.
It seems something has gone terribly wrong. The chains holding brainiac down are malfunctioning or something. He could die. And, of course, no one has thought to try and save him. Obviously. What would that do to the ratings?
They just showed the guy in his little bubble. I swear he looks like he's breathing to me. But maybe he hasn't gone under yet. I tuned in late. They're playing some recording of him telling how he does it. He puts his whole body to sleep, his tongue, his toes...he doesn't mention his brain, but I have a feeling it's kind of in a semi-permanent sleep-like state.
Oh goody. It hasn't started yet. I guess this is an hour-long show. Just think about that...sixty minutes devoted to a guy who will hold his breath for nine minutes. The only premise for an hour long show more ludicrous would be a show featuring a bunch of suitcases and contestants would have the suitcases opened one at a time. That would be riveting, must-see TV.
And just think, the month of May is just getting started. They had the Seventh Heaven series finale tonight. I can't watch it. I have diabetes.
Then there's that TV movie coming on tomorrow. It's about bird flu. Hey, I love those tragedy movies, but did anyone ever stop to think that watching people with flu is not quite as exciting as watching tornados twist through town or watching glaciers move into Los Angeles? Somehow the idea of two hours of watching people sneeze and blow their noses until they die just doesn't cut it for me.
Supposedly, the story has Richmond as ground zero for the plague. What you wanna bet that hundreds of locals will call in sick Wednesday morning, just to be on the safe side?
Back to the breath-holding show, they say this David Blaine has been living in his gold fish bowl for 176 hours. I hope they don't do a closeup of the water. I mean, well, I think you know what I mean. Humans can be a lot more disgusting that gold fish when it comes to waste removal.
I guess this electronic version of a freak show is going to keep me tuned in, as much as I know I'll hate myself in the morning. I want to watch for the same reason a lot of people watch NASCAR. And, it's not to watch autos racing around a track.
They have a doctor standing outside the fish bowl. He's explaining how we'll know if this idiot has passed out. I'd say when his tongue hangs out and his eyeballs pop out of his head we'll have a pretty good idea something has gone wrong.
It's getting ready to start. The crowd is going wild. Lincoln Center is not generally the site of such classy entertainment.
Well, I'm going to go watch. I'll be back in nine minutes, or when the guy dies, whichever comes first. I think I'll hold my breath along with him.
Oh what the hey, I can type and watch. I think I read that if he succeeds, he will go into the Guiness Book of World Records as the world's most stupid human (still living).
It's coming up on four minutes. I need a breath, but I'm holding mine in support of the guy. My toes are alseep, but that happens all the time when I sit in one position too long.
He's at five minutes and the crowd is going beserk...not as beserk as David Blaine, but beserk. I need a breath. I don't think I can go another three minutes.
I think he's having a seizure. Oh, too bad, he didn't make it. I guess the crowd can still hope for brain damage, but, really how could you tell?
They're administering oxygen. The crowd is cheering him...cheering a loser. And really, isn't that what the May sweeps is truly all about.
Blaine is crying. I think he's so out of it he thinks he accomplished something. He did. He brought thousands together to watch him fail. But, hey, they say he has lived underwater longer than any other human. I guess mermaids are disqualified.
Now he's being cheered for walking. I wonder if I can get a TV deal for holding my nose nine minutes. I'd still be breathing, but I think that might be a record for the longest anyone has held his nose.

I've Already Used Every Applicable Pun I Know

You know, in all seriousness, I think Richmond's Mayor, Governor Doug Wilder has become obsessed with this Maymont bear thing. Rumor has it that he spent weeks roaming the forests of Western Virginia (not to be confused with West Virginia) looking for an orphan bear. I don't think I'd recognize an orphan bear if I saw one. I surely would not wait around to see if Papa and Mama Bear are anywhere around. But, then that's why he's the mayor.
But Wilder isn't content with just bagging (so to speak) a bear, he now is totally immersed in a contest to name the bear. I have some ideas on that. And, no, I'm not suggesting Dougie as a name.
I think there are ways to combine that cutesy, friendly bear name with a warning to parents who visit the park that you don't want to let your child get in the cage with the bear. So, how about Bobby, The Baby-Biting Bear? What would be cool is to get a baby doll, dismember it (fun in itself), and take pictures of the bear cub with arms and legs sticking out of its mouth. Post those pictures all around the cage and chances are slim that Junior is going to try and pet Bobby.
You could smear a blood-like substance on the bear's mouth and teeth. It should be totally non-toxic. We definitely don't want to take a chance of causing Bobby any harm. But wait till the kiddies get a look at Bobby's blood-stained face. Nothing says "Hey kids, keep your distance," like sheer terror.
Another idea (and don't worry, I have thousands) would pay honor to the mayor and, at the same time, send a subliminal message that this bear may be worse than the one that devoured the little kid a few months ago. Why not name the new bear "Woody, the Wilder Bear"? You get it? Clever, huh?
Or, what about Maimer, the Maymont bear? It's not as friendly as Bobby or Woody but it still sends a message. I'm not in favor of scaring little kids just for the fun element. But, in line with Wilder's love for bears, a name that conjures up the idea of danger will, in the long run, protect our little cub from suffering the same fate as the previous two bears.
I think you can tell I have a deep love for our animal friends. I was heartsick yesterday when I spotted a dead deer cub alongside I-64. It was like a Bambi cartoon gone terribly awry. With my years of entering the "Draw Blinky" matchbook artists' school application, I couldn't help but pull over and try and draw a picture of the expired deer. I still can't get the nose just right, but I'm trying.
I've never been accepted in that "Deer-Drawers Artist School." And that hurts. But, this blog is not about me. It's about my love for animals. I'm no Doug Wilder, but I do care. But enough for now, my wife is fixing me venison and eggs for breakfast, and I'm famished.

That's Deweese De Cookie Crumbles

Well, I just got some bad news. I received a personalized mass email from Mac Watson, host of WRVA’s (1140 AM in Richmond) afternoon drive show, which oddly enough bears his name. Seems Watson’s producer, Dave Deweese, is leaving the show to go to Albany. That's too bad. I had wanted to do an article about Dave. I guess now I'll have more room to write about the Maymont bears.
Anyway, Watson mentions Albany in passing, and to be honest, I’m not sure if he means Albany, New York or Albany, Georgia, or some other Albany.My guess is that he means some other Albany, because I’m not sure the New York and Georgia Albanies even have radio stations.
Of course, Mac’s newsletter conveniently omits any mention of what DeWeese will be doing in Albany. From all I know, he might be doing time. Mac is very vague about this whole DeWeese thing, and that just leads me to speculate.
Is Mac somewhat surrpetitiously trying to ship Deweese out of here, out of the public eye, here in Richmond? I’m not saying anything, I’m just saying that I’ve watched all those Dateline sting shows, and, well, maybe I’m just a little suspicious.
Of course, it could be something much more innocent. Perhaps Mac is just a wee bit jealous of all the attention his producer is getting. Oh, they can pretend to enjoy one another on the air, but, I for one, am not so easily fooled.
Ever since I was (as Mayor Governor Wilder says) tragedized by the Lewis and Martin split up, I’m not so gullible to believe that big stars with big egos can really tolerate other talented folk who invade their turf.
So, maybe Deweese got tired of Watson trying to take up more than his share of the local spotlight. Watson comes to town, and the next thing you know, it’s the Mac Watson Show…not even the Mac Watson Show, starring Dave Deweese. One thing for sure, Mac’s ego is not as diminutive as the talk show host is in statue. I may not have worded that right, but honestly, I’m not interested enough in this column to rewrite it.
I wish I had known about this brewing feud between Watson and Deweese. I think we could have offered Dave a job here at our company. Especially if we ever decide to change directions and aim our magazines at acid dropping ex-head banging hippies from the generations past.
Deweese seems to have near-encyclopedic knowledge of every drugged-out has-been band in America. Well, I guess it’s good to be good at something.
I hear they’re having some sort of farewell show down at Old City Bar in Shockoe Bottom this afternoon. I’m going to have to come up with some sort of an excuse to get down there. I hope there’s no Braves game in Shockoe this afternoon. Parking will be such a bear, especially when you add in the crowds at the Slave Museum.
I want to see what Deweese looks like. It’s not that I have some sort of a schoolboy crush on him, but I just like to match voices with faces.
Mac looks exactly like he sounds…Ray Combs’ afterbirth. But, I’m not sure about Deweese. I get some sort of Vic Damone vibe when I hear him. I guess this will be my last chance to check it out.
Whatever he looks like, all seriousness aside, he will be missed. And, while I hate to ever say anything nice, Watson does one of the best afternoon shows WRVA has ever aired, since they went all talk, but Deweese adds another dimension to the show that will be sorely missed.

TV We'd Like to See

Just yesterday I was talking about ABC's Commander In Chief...you know the show about a woman president. I could have told you that America would not take to a show about a woman president. Don't ask me how I know these things, but, I do. I also know what type of shows America does want. I've come up with a few ideas. And, to be honest, I'd appreciate your feedback. Here goes:

Saved By the Bell - The Presidential Years - Zach is now married to Jessie (a female for those few non-Saved By The Bell fans) and is running for president in the first season. Screech is his running mate, and, of course, Lisa will eventually become Secretary of State. The hilarity is non-stop, and if people don't laugh, Elizabeth Berkley can take on more of a prominent role, if you know what I mean.

Presidential Deal or No Presidential Deal - The world's leaders take turns picking suitcases. Eventually they end up with a suitcase that determines if they start a war, create a nuclear bomb, or send immigrants flocking into the U.S. Whatever happens, it's sure to make for an exciting hour of reality/game show/political intrigue.

Presidential Wife Swap - Bill Clinton plays a president who swaps his wife for a White House intern. Oh wait, that one's already been done.

My President The Jet- Hilarity ensues when a former, dead president comes back as Air Force One. Imagine the confusion when the current president consults with his airplane on issues of national importance. Oh wait, that's already being done.

Desperate First Ladies - Former and current first ladies duke it out in a series of catfights. The winner gets to be the next President. This is a reality series that is bound to please just about everyone in the family. This show has "WINNER" written all over it.

Everybody Loves W - The President continues to mess up even the simplest things. Add to that merriment an ongoing conflict between Laura and Barbara, a dumb brother, a confused father, and, of course, the twins, and you have the next season's biggest smash comedy hit.

Well, these are my ideas. Any producers with deep pockets out there, I'm open for consults.

Help, I've Been Tragedized

You know, except for me and you, people, as a rule, are pretty stupid. And sometimes, I'm not so sure about me. Fooled you, didn't I?
Anyway, I was reading a report that the officials in Hyattsville, Maryland were up in arms because an episode of ABC Television's Commander In Chief, depicted the town as crime-ridden. Hello in there. You idiots, don't you realize that Commander In Chief is fiction? I'm surprised the mayor of Hyattsville didn't address his concerns to Madame President.
I mean think about it people. It's a story of a woman president. That in itself tells you it's total fiction. Can you imagine - a woman as President? I think not.
Here's another eye-opener for you Hyattsvillains, there is no race of Klingons bent on destroying us. At least none that I'm aware of. In other words, why, if you have half a piece of brain in those thick Maryland skulls, would you get upset at something that's clearly fiction. And, let's just say, to humor me, that you did get upset, at least have enough sense to realize that you'll only look like a bunch of backwater morons to publicize your concerns.
Just keep it to yourself. That way a few folks might never catch on as to how foolish you are. I mean, I never thought of the good folks of Hyattsville being exceptionally stupid...before today.
I guess when any TV drama comes on from now on, they'll have to have a disclaimer to let the folks in Hyattsville know not to take it too seriously.
As long as we're talking stories in the news, did you see how Mayor Governor Wilder single-handedly bagged a bear cub and dragged it back to Maymont. I hope he can get some rest now. Although, judging from what he had to say on Jimmy Barrett's morning news program, I think he's still feeling the pain. He spoke of the many who had been tragedized by the tragedy. Huh? Tragedized? Who does Mayor Wilder think he is, George Kingfish Stephens?
Well Andy, I done been tragedized by de tragedy, you knows. So I'ze hopin' this new bear cub will sacroleviate my pain.
I will say, to avoid being shot, I thought Amos and Andy was the best comedy ever on television. Unfortunately, many blacks thought it presented blacks in a derogatory manner, so it was yanked.
Somehow, the blacks were perfectly alright with all those Afro-centric comedies that portray blacks as hopping in and out of bed with everyone who walks by. Go figure. Maybe it's just the blacks in Hyattsville, though.
Or, maybe, I am the one that is stupid. If that's the case, then I really do feel tragedized.

Look Out For Those Illegals

When the immigrants first arrived, most of the locals took a somewhat passive approach. Sure, there were those nay-sayers who foresaw trouble. But, whatever the case, they (the immigrants) were allowed in...actually, welcomed in on many occasions.
And, at first, these immigrants seemed to have an appreciation for the local customs. Sure, they had their own customs and cultures which they brought with them, but they didn't seem bent on destroying everything that was already in place here. That was, of course, at first.
What the locals may not have realized is that those immigrants intended right from the start to make their "fortune" here and then ship that fortune back home. In fact, there were individuals back home who had actually helped the immigrants to come here in order to do just that.
After a while the immigrants began to feel they should have greater rights. It was as if they figured they had as much right to the land and the wealth of the land as did the citizens. It was then that the citizens began to get a little frighthened. Maybe these immigrants weren't content with being visitors, or even second-class citizens.
The fear on the part of the citizens has proven to be well-founded. The immigrants began to demand more and more and more. Before you knew it, the immigrants had grown to such great numbers that it was the citizens who often felt like the second-class citizens. Things began to change.
The citizens began to fight back. They realized they had somewhat been duped. They knew the immigration problem was a real threat. But it appeared to be too late. The immigrants were entrenched in the land. And, they weren't going to leave.
The immigrants took advantage of their large numbers. Now it became clear just what these upstart immigrants intended to do. And, you know what? The immigrants did exactly what they had probably planned to do all along. They fought for their so-called rights. And they won!
And next year, those immigrants (or their offspring) will celebrate the four hundredth anniversary of their first permanent excursion across the border.

No Peso Today

Well this is the day we're supposed to find out what life in America would be like without illegal immigrants. Gee, I hope I'm not too traumatized by this. These illegals say they're not going to do any shopping today. You know what that means? It means I have the 7-11 all to myself. It means there won't be sucra packages left lying all over the coffee-stained counter top. Somehow I think I can make it through the day without these immigrants.
I know some of you are, at this minute, branding me a bigot. Well, if its bigoted to resent criminals running around protesting, then, yes, I guess I am a bigot. Somehow, I wasn't aware just how important lawbreakers have been in my life. So, I'm taking this day to reflect on how much criminals have contributed to my life.
Take license plates, for example. I know they used to be produced at the State Pen in Richmond. I guess they're still made by convicts. They still have that quality look and feel that only comes from having a product made by a crazed killer. I don't think those confined in our state penal institutions get the credit they deserve.
I'm proposing that all of the inmates throughout the state just walk out today. Really, put your license-plate-making tools down and leave. Why let these bully guards control your life. You have rights. You're a contributing member of society. You may find getting out of your respective facilities to be a bit of a challenge, but I'm willing to bet that if you let the warden know you want to support the illegal immigrants, he or she will be more than understanding.
And, while we're talking about criminals, let's talk about John Mohammed for a moment. Now they're getting ready to begin his trial in Maryland. He's being tried for killing six people. Hasn't that poor man suffered enough? Thankfully, the state of Maryland says they will not seek the death penalty. I think the public would be outraged if his dead body (following his execution in Virginia) were hauled off to Maryland and lethally injected. I know Mohammed is hoping to get life in prison in Maryland. Then he can appeal to have his execution carried out in Virginia after he's served his life sentence in Maryland.
You know, as I review this, what appalls me about myself, is that I didn't become a lawyer, or some sort of diplomat. I seem to have the solution to most of life's problems. I should make it my life's work to just go around and spread good news to all whom I meet.
But, that will have to wait until tomorrow. Today I'm protesting with my amigos.

This Bun's For You

Back in the day, my BCA era – that is “before clogged arteries,” I was popping McDonald’s hamburgers the way I pop those St. Joseph’s tasty orange aspirin today. St. Joseph (the company, not the guy) used to call them baby aspirin. Now, they ought to call them baby boomer aspirin. They’ve repackaged the product for those of us at risk for a heart attack.
I tell you what I think would be a good idea for a commercial for St. Joseph’s. The commercial starts with a fifties era home movie quality scene of a mother giving her baby a St. Joseph’s aspirin, then the scene morphs to where the baby is the grown daughter and the mother is an old woman. The daughter is giving her mother a St. Joseph’s aspirin. The announcer says: “St. Joseph’s Aspirin. We brought you in and we’re gonna take you out.”
But, as I’m wont to do, I’ve gotten way off subject here. What I was writing about was my old eating habits. I’m in the (pathetic) shape I’m in today because I popped those McDonald’s burgers like they were pills. Of course, if you’re from around these parts, perhaps you remember, before McDonald’s, it was the Kelly’s hamburger. The company eventually went under, but it wasn’t for any lack of effort on my part to keep them solvent.
Back in the good ol’ days, I ate anything I wanted. Sure, I gained weight. My mother bought my clothes from the Husky department at Thalhimers. But, I kept on eating. I loved all the foods that were bad for me. I was probably the only five-year-old who asked Santa for a deep-fryer for Christmas. When I was in high school, I used to sneak around to the back of the building and smoke a ham. I wasn’t a Toys R Us kid, I was a Tater Tot tot.
I know those days are gone for me…it’s garden burgers and turkey bacon these days, but somehow, it did my rather corroded heart good to hear the new Burger King commercial. Just when you think this healthy eating addiction is going to take over, Burger King comes along with the Triple-Whopper. You go Burger King!
I think that’s great. Burger King is the King. He’s not going to be intimidated by all of those heart association P.S.A.’s that are constantly trying to scare us into submission. In fact, I bet my heart would be in better shape today if there were no doctors to tell me how bad I felt. So what if you get winded climbing the steps. Who need steps? The kitchen’s downstairs anyway.
I tell you who is really going to go for this triple whopper thing, it’s the majority of those who go to the Chesterfield County Fair. They’ll use the bigger burgers to neutralize their palettes between the fried Oreo and the fried Twinkie. I sometimes will go to the fair and just stand by the booth to suck up the aromas. How I envy those 350 pound gals, all decked out in the pink spandex with the matching hair curlers, who belly up to the Fried Twinkie booth. That could have been me a few years ago…I mean except for the spandex and curlers.
Anyway, I really don’t have a point to make today. I was just listening to the Burger King commercial and started to wax nostalgic. I know I probably shouldn’t, but, heck, I might just have to get my lips around one of them triple whoppers today, you know, just for old times’ sake.

Did You Hear the One About...

So, I was sitting in this bar, you see, minding my own business, enjoying my favorite adult beverage. Actually, I was there to do an interview with the owner, but he had to run an errand, so I figure why not stick around. One beer can't hurt, right? Everything was fine. And then this midget walks in. Actually, it was a midget and her boyfriend, who wasn't exactly a midget, or if he was, he was a very tall one. He probably stood about five feet.
The midget comes up to me (about this high) and asks, "Is this stool taken?" She's pointing to the stool next to me. I politely say to her, "No, climb on up."
She orders a drink. I'm not sure what, because I wasn't paying that much attention. I was reading an article I had written in one of our magazines, and, as usual, I got so engrossed in myself, I didn't really care about the outside world.
Anyway, evidently this midget couldn't hold her alcohol so well, because within minutes she becomes rather loud. As I said, I really wasn't paying much attention, but she turns to me and says, "Hey, they're accusing me of being a trouble maker. They better shut their mouth or I'll shut it for 'em."
"Mighty big talk for a little lady," I say. I didn't think much of it. I'd have said that to any woman under the circumstances. But she gives me this look as if to imply that I must be some sort of a bigot. You know, it's the same sort of look Lewis Farrakhan might give you if he thought you had something against guys who wear bowties.
So, I try to cover myself. "I bet you can be quite the little hellion," I tell her. She just glares at me even more. If there's one thing I don't like it's a nasty drunk midget.
It's time to turn on the ol' Steve Cook charm, I'm thinking to myself. Whenever I think to myself, I always stop to wonder if there should be quotation marks around my thoughts. I don't think so. But, anyway, I figure I can turn this whole potentially ugly situation around with my silver-tongued devil personna.
I look down at her with a warm smile, and say, "You know, Snow White has always been my favorite fairy tale." I think my kindness must have thrown her off guard, because she just gets this perplexed look on her face and turns away. I pat myself on the back. Once again, my quick wits saved the day.
A few stools away from me sits a rather attractive blonde woman, probably in her mid-twenties. She's reading a book. I'm reading my magazine, so we don't speak. I just happened to notice her. About the time my little friend turns away, I notice a young teenager walk into the bar. That's strange, I think. What's he doing in a bar? The kid looks like he's probably in the eighth grade or so.
Anyway, he walks up to the bar and to the young blonde woman. She smiles at him, gets up and the two leave together. Hmm, I think, I guess she must be a school teacher.
About this time the owner of the bar comes back, and I go do my interview. I'm somewhat disappointed. There I was sitting in the middle of what must have been a great joke, and I never figured out the punchline.

My Problem With Gas

I got to tell you, I'm excited. You'll never guess what I discovered this morning. A local gas station selling gas...you better sit down, this is fantastic...selling gas at a giveaway price. I mean, this station has gasoline at the rock bottom price of $2.879 a gallon. How can they do that? I felt like I should have been holding a gun on the guy while I was pumping the precious fluid into my tank.
All seriousness aside, these fuel folks really have a neat little gimmick going on.
From those oil-producing countries in the Middle East to the guy who runs the local convenience store...it's all a gimmick. Yeah, I know, the guys who own the gas stations say they're only making about a penny a gallon. Well, if that's so, then how can they have their Terrific Tuesday promotions when they reduce gasoline by five cents a gallon? I guess they're taking a loss on each gallon. Or, how can they give away a car wash or a cup of coffee with a fill-up?
Caught you money-grubbing greedy commercialists, didn't I? Yep. You can fool some of the people all of the time, and you can fool all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool Abraham Lincoln.
I'm back to the gas-buying habits of my high school days. I only buy about 2 gallons at a time. Back in the late sixties, I'd pull into a service station and tell the guy to fill it up or one dollar's worth, whichever came first.
I was pumping a couple of gallons into my 1995 Saturn the other day when it dawned on me just what a gimmick these gas station folks have. There was a big sign at the pump that advertised cigarettes at $25.95 a carton. In other words, whatever your addictions are, the guy at the local convenience store is there to "help," from gasoline to beer and cigarettes to the lottery.
And, yet the way they plead poverty, they have you feeling that you maybe should start some sort of telethon for them. Don't fall for it. These people are bleeding us dry.
Think about this. Why is it that one day a particular station will have the lowest prices in town and a couple of days later they're ten to twenty cents higher than the other stations around? Then it will flip-flop and a station that was low will have high prices. I figure they all kinda work together. You know they all agree on who will jack up the prices this week.
And now, down in Hampton Roads anyway, they have a new little trick up their sleeves...fake gasoline outages. I know that little game. Yesterday they shut down several gas stations in that area because they were "out of gas." What they're doing is trying to scare us. These gas guys are smart. They know that if we go a couple of days without any gas, we'll thank them for selling it to us for more than three bucks a gallon. These fuel people are so convinced that we're so dependent on gasoline that we'll pay anything. They are convinced that despite grumblings and protests and threats of boycotting, that we'll keep on buying their fuel. They're as confident as are the drug pushers who keep satisfying the sick needs of their clients. They believe we are just going to keep on needing a fix regardless of what it costs.
And here's the really sad thing about this whole mess...they're right.

Things That Go Bump In My Brain

I have a mess of random thoughts cluttering up my mind, so I'm not sure just where to begin today. Sometimes my poor little brain gets so filled up with useless thoughts, that I tend to forget the important things. I used to worry that maybe I was on the verge of Alzheimer's. But, I've come up with a theory that makes me feel secure that I'm not.
What I think, and keep in mind that I'm not actually a doctor, but my limited research has led me to the conclusion that only nice people develop Alzheimer's. If you have evidence that refutes this theory, please let me know. But, all the people I've ever known that developed the disease were very nice, kind-hearted individuals.
I've come to the conclusion that the human brain, living in an imperfect world, can't handle an overload of positive thoughts. People who think positively about everything will, sooner or later, develop some sort of brain freeze as a protection against something I like to call "happy thoughts overload."
If I'm on the right track here, then I think I'm virtually guaranteed to be self-protected against mental disease. Almost as soon as I start thinking positive thoughts, my brain's protective mechanism kicks in with negativity. I don't think I've ever gone more than five or ten minutes thinking positive thoughts. That's why I'm so mentally healthy.
It's also healthy for me to use this space to get some of those things that bounce around in my brain out of my head. For instance, I was taking a shower last night and I noticed that my wife had bought a new shampoo and conditioner. I'm always fascinated by the many new gimmicks the cosmetic people keep coming up with. Evidently they know that there are a lot of folks like my wife out there in consumer-land.
Her latest find (my wife's that is) is something called sap moss. Sap moss? I'm thinking two of the more unattractive features of a tree are the sap and the moss. I immediately conjured up in my brain an idea of how something that combined those two ingredients might smell. I was wrong. This stuff smells worse...kind of a very used pair of sweat socks smell.
I'm wondering if the sap is in the tube or if it refers to the persons who'd buy the stuff.
I believe my (lovely) wife would try just about any new product they put out there if it sounded like it contained exotic ingredients. I wouldn't be surprised to find a tube of urinary-tract-infection shampoo on the shelf. Anyway, if you're around Richmond today, and smell an old rotting tree, look around, I just might be nearby.
I had another little experience on the way to work this morning that has left a little dent in my brain. I decided, in order to feel, if not also look, cool, I'd take a little detour and ride the Jamestown Ferry to work...not all the way to work, but across the river anyway.
When I get to the entrance lane to the ferry, this security guy stops me, comes over to my window and says in an extremely thick Russian accent, "Vee are vith zee Department ooof Transportation Security Deevision. Are you fameeleear vith our screening process?"
I wasn't even familiar with the words he was using, but after several "excuse me's" I understood he was telling me that he and his comrades were going to screen my car. "Do you mind?" he asked. I didn't want to find out what he'd do if I did mind, so I said it was fine. And, I really don't mind, but I do wonder why the state of Virginia is using members of the KGB to keep the Jamestown Ferry safe.
I also can't really imagine why terrorists would go to the trouble of takiing the ferry when they could just as easily drive right up to wherever they had a terrorism job, unless, of course, we're dealing with terrorists, who like myself, want to feel, if not also look, cool. Or, maybe they just want a relaxing little boat ride prior to blowing themselves up. Anyway, it's just another thing for me to worry about.
I'm also wondering this morning if there's any intelligent human alive on the planet who gives a darn about Tom and Katie's baby. I like to scan the radio dial while I ride and I must have heard about that baby, Suri, I think is its name, fifty times this morning. Each reporter had to mention (and this is before breakfast, I might add) that the semi-talented, sanity-challenged actor had announced he was going to eat the placenta.
Do we really need to hear stuff like that? I know it's not good for my brain, except, of course, it does help to keep me thinking those healthy negative thoughts.
Speaking of eating, we got a press release here in our office about Maymont Park's "Breakfast with the Animals" promotion for kids. Now, that's just plain sick. You take these kids out to a barn and serve them bacon and eggs with pigs and chickens standing right there, looking on. Who is the marketing guy at Maymont? Jeffrey Dahmer?
I would think something that brutal would traumetize the kids for life, not to mention the impact on the animals. I mean haven't those poor animals suffered enough out there, what with their little bear friends being given permanent naps?
Well, that's just some of the stuff that's weighing on my mind this morning. And I feel so good being able to cleanse myself of these things. I gotta run, but, in closing, I just want to say, "Keep thinking those negative thoughts."

The Sweet Smell of Highway Robbery

In a few weeks I'm going to have to write an article for one of our magazines about some of the great banquet and catering places in town. I'm going to rave about how marvelous they are. In other words I'm going to be a hypocrite.
Who knows maybe I'll find a reputable place to rave about. But, chances are, I'm going to be gritting my teeth. Talk about a real racquet...the banquet and catering industry folks will stop at nothing to squeeze a buck out of their clients.
Here in the office, we're getting quotes for a private party. Now get this...a simple buffet costs $32.00 a person. Unbelieveable? Asanine? Yes, but as they said on the Titanic, that's only the tip of the iceberg.
Here's what they don't tell you until you get down to the real nitty gritty. On top of that $32.00 per person is an 18% service and coordination fee. In other words they charge you to sell it to you. That's kind of like Costco or Sam's Club. They charge you money to come in and spend money and then they frisk you on your way out to make sure you didn't steal anything. If they're concerned about theft, they ought to be frisking themselves.
Now, you may be thinking that that 18% is a tip, but, if so, why do they charge you another $75.00 an hour for a waitstaff, and another 75 per hour for a chef? And another $250.00 for a setup fee and so on?
That'd be like going to McDonalds and ordering the dollar hamburger and dollar fries...$2.00 right? Nope, because they'd add on another $2.50 for the counter person to stand there and get the order mixed up. Then there's be a $5.00 charge for the guy in the back by the ovens picking his nose...another dollar if you insist that he wear plastic gloves.
Then of course, there'd be about a .75 charge for a bag and another .75 for condiments. Throw in the tax, and my two buck meal now costs about $13.00. That's how ludicrous this whole catering thing is.
And people take it sitting down (of course to sit down there's a table and chair rental of $2.50 per person. I think the next time I use the services of a caterer, I'm going to take a gun along. Not to use it, just to have them hold it on me while I write the check.
How can some industries, particularly the hospitality industry get by with such outright price gouging. Who do these caterers think they are, oil companies?
Speaking of which, did you hear about the Exxon bigwig who got a $400 million retirement package? At first, I was pretty steamed at the guy, but then I heard the whole story. What he had asked for was free fill-ups for the next years. Exxon said they couldn't go that high. So, they compromised on the 400 mill.
I'm definitely in the wrong line of work. I gotta figure out some way to gouge those who read this blog. If you have any suggestions, please email me. Please include your credit card number and expiration date, as there will be a $15.00 consideration fee. Or, just send me the card number and expiration date, and I'll deduct $5.00 for not having to read your suggestions. Now that's a pretty good deal. Take it or leave it.

Bunions

I've been doing a lot of thinking about bunions lately. Not just bunions but the very word "bunion" itself. It seems such a waste of a nice word. Really if you'd never heard of bunions and then you heard the word, what picture might it conjure up in your mind?
I think I'd think of a delicious sandwich. Give me a bunion and an order of fries. I see ground beef on a bun with fried onions. Sounds good. Well, thanks to the podiatrist people, I'm unable to call that sandwich a bunion.
Instead the word refers to feet deformities. I hope this doesn't offend those of you with bunions, but they really are ugly. Much uglier than a good sandwich.
When I was a kid I was fascinated by bunions. My grandmother had them on her feet, which to my knowledge is the best place to have them. I kind of thought of them as a special extra toe. Admittedly, I was a pretty stupid kid, but anyway, that's how I viewed them.
She used to ask my brothers and me to massage her bunions. When you're five years old, massaging your grandmother's bunions was a nice way to be able to sit and watch TV. If we weren't massaging her bunions, she would have found harder work for us to do.
These days my wife asks me to massage her bunions. And, may I add that her bunions are not ugly at all, but downright beautiful. Whew! That was close.
Massaging bunions doesn't hold the fascination it once did. Maybe because at my age today, it takes me about fifteen minutes to get seated on the floor...faster when I pass out. And then once I'm sitting on the floor there doesn't seem to be any comfortable way to position my body that something doesn't hurt.
And, of course, getting back up off the floor is nearly impossible. Now, if my wife will stand on the dining room table and I can sit down and give her bunions some attention, that's not so bad, but somehow she's never willing to climb up on the table for that. Go figure.
Well, I guess that's enough about bunions. If I was motivated, I'd start some sort of campaign to get the name "bunions" changed to something like bone-warts, maybe, and then I could open up bunion stands all across the country.
Probably more than a few people would still be thinking the foot thing, and would be repulsed at eating a bunion, and I'd probably lose a fortune on my idea. So, it's not really worth the trouble. However, the next time you go into a restaurant and want a burger with fried onions, try asking for a bunion and see what happens.

Two Wrongs Just Might Make a Right

I'm somewhat worried about the things I'm reading in the news. What I'm afraid of is that the bird flu will hit here before gasoline prices go up to $7.00 a gallon. If we're lucky, the gas will hit the big seven-oh-oh before we start dropping like flies with bird flu. You see the wisdom there, I'm sure.
The thing that will cause bird flu to spread like wildfire is if we all get in our cars and go around other people. But, if gas prices are so high that we all have to stay home, then that ol' bird flu won't hardly be felt at all. Oh sure, someone here and there will get it, but then they'll die before they can infect others, and before you know it, the whole thing just fizzles out.
So, I'm suggesting, if not encouraging, the oil companies to go ahead and put the screws to us now. Who knows, at the rate things are going we may hit $7.00 in the next couple of weeks anyway. But then, on the other hand, I don't want the gas to hit $7.00 too soon for two reasons. First, why pay that much when there's no pandemic knocking at the door. Secondly, if it hits too early, the artificially raised gas price problem will come and go before the flu ever gets here.
I guess you can see why I'm so worried. This whole thing, our future existence, hinges on timing being just right.
It's kind of like when you're eating a bowl of ice cream and a piece of cake at the same time. About the time I get half-way through, I lose all my joy worrying about making sure that my last bite of cake comes at the same instant as my last bite of ice cream. It's sheer misery, trying to make things hit just right. Sometimes I'll have to restock on cake and/or ice cream three or four times to make the whole thing jive.
I don't know how to make the bird flu and the gas prices jive. I'm afraid this is one (make that two) horrifying catastrophies that we're just going to have to hope for the best.
Of course, there is one even brighter side to the whole thing. Maybe the illegal immigrants will be running the country by then and it'll be their problem. We'll all be down in Mexico picking jumping beans, or something...totally oblivious to bird flu or gas prices. I kind of hope for that scenario. My head is already hurting worrying about all of this.

Illegal Is Just Plain Against The Law

You know sometimes life's most complex problems have the very simplest solutions. And I think that maxim holds true as regards the current hubbub over the illegal immigrant problems. The more I've thought about this one, the more obvious the real problem becomes.
This may seem so simplistic that when you read today's blog,you may slap yourself in the forehead and say, "Why didn't I think of this?" But anyway, here goes. Could it be that no one has told these immigrants that in English the word "illegal" means against the law? I sincerely believe that if these good, albeit Hispanic, folks realized that we've been trying to tell them they're criminals, they'd stop marching and protesting.
I mean who ever heard of criminals protesting about their being called criminals. In my day criminals went into hiding, and I can't believe things have changed that much in just a decade or two. What's going on now is somewhat like escaped convicts beginning to protest about being forced to live on the lam. Obviously, that would not be a very wise course of action. In fact, it could land you back in jail.
So, I say, let's get us a good English/Mexican dictionary and next time these guys start protesting, just show them the word "Illegal" and its definition, in Mexican, of course. I dare say that'll put a quick end to their public protests, and in all likelihood, will send them packing.
Most of these immigrants seem like good, hard-working folks. I'm sure they wouldn't want to be illegal anymore than most of us would. I'm willing to bet that if we make sure they understand that we view them as felons, that most of them will get these sheepish grins on their faces, we'll all have a good laugh, and they'll head home. And, then maybe someone down there in Mexico can explain to them that we'd love to have them, but they have to get the proper papers.
I think I know that of which I speak. I'm somewhat of a world traveler. Maybe you didn't know this, but I went to China last year and let me tell you, I had to get a passport and a visa and all that stuff. And, when I went into China they had to look at my papers and give their approval.
I gotta tell you I was just a little nervous about the whole thing, not knowing if maybe they'd look at me and think I looked too capitalistic or something and not let me in. Sometimes those customs people would look at my passport, and then look up at me and frown, and then look at my passport again. Thankfully, they always let me through.
I don't think I'm all that different from most of these Mexican illegals, except, of course, that I don't speak Mexican as well as they do. If I had to learn their word for beer, I'd never have a drink. It's a hard one. But, to them the word just flows off their lips like honey.
But, as I was saying, humans are humans. I'm sure that if these immigrants understood that we never really officially told them they could come to America, they'd all go home.
I guess maybe Americans aren't as good as those Chinese are at making it clear whether you can come in or not. I mean the Chinese had all these Chinese policeman standing around, and they didn't look all that happy. I definitely would never have tried to see what would happen if I had decided just to slip in without going through the proper procedures.
So, you see, what everyone is getting so upset about is probably just a simple misunderstanding. If you have any problems that have you baffled, feel free to write me. Problem solving just seems to come kinda natural to me. It's a gift, I guess.

A Good WomanTV Host - Who Can Find?

I think I may have spoken a little hastily yesterday. I confessed my utter disdain for Katie Couric. Her cutesy, little, fake smile is so irritating that I have had to stop watching the Today Show. And, I had been a fan of the show since Dave Garroway and Jack Lescouli.
Well, if there’s anyone in the show/news business with a more obnoxious smile than Katie’s, it’s Meredith Vieira.
So, who does NBC go out and get to replace Couric? Exactly. I don’t think NBC spent enough time in finding a replacement. I bet if they had taken a little more time they could have come up with someone even more obnoxious than either Katie Couric or Meredith Vieira.
For instance, why not pick Rosie O’Donnell? Now talk about one irritating gal (and I use the term loosely). If I had my choice between spending a week with Rosie or Katie, my vote would go to Katie every time. I’m sure O’Donnell would say the same.
Rosie has already done morning TV, so she’d be a natural. That’s not to say she’d be good, just that she’d be a natural.
Or how about Martha Stewart. Now that’s one tedious woman. If I had to listen to her voice every morning, I think I’d stay in bed. Her smile is not as hideous as the other ladies, but she makes up for that with her over all phoniness.
But, I think there’s one woman even more obnoxious than any of these other gals. In fact, if you took Martha, and Rosie, and Katie, and Meredith, and rolled them into one, they couldn’t compete for obnoxiousness. This woman is currently employed, but her job may be in jeopardy.
She’s got everything one would need to irritate the average viewer. She’s opinionated. She’s belligerent, she has a constant chip on her shoulder, and, evidently she packs a pretty mean punch, which just might come in handy, particularly if Matt Lauer gets on her nerves.
You’ve probably figured out who my choice is to replace Katie Couric (or Meredith Vieira, when she decides Who Wants To Be A Millionaire is a better career choice), I say why not offer the gig to U.S. Congresswoman, Cynthia McKinney.
The only thing she doesn’t have going for her is an obnoxious smile. Actually, her smile is rather pleasant, but, hey, with a little work that can be taken care of. After all, a smile is just a frown, turned upside down.
Listen to me NBC, Cynthia McKinney is your girl…oops, your lady. Let her replace Katie Couric and you can’t lose. Just make sure studio security knows what she looks like.

Good News Today

Have you heard the good news? Katie Couric is going to CBS. I'm hyped. I'm even downright giddy with joy. Now, maybe I can go back to watching the Today Show. I never watch the CBS news anyway, so I won't have anything to give up with this transition. And the only time I catch 60 Minutes is when it runs long and I tune in to see Cold Case. And then, I usually only see Andy Rooney. Can you imagine a columnist being so opinionated and dour as that over-the-hill, hairy-eared has been?
First of all, should women be doing the news in the first place. I can see some of them doing cooking segments, or even feature stories on child rearing, but hard news? I don't think so.
Secondly, I hate Katie Couric. She's just a little too cutsey, if you know what I mean. I have a feeling she's her number one fan. She even makes Bryant Gumbel look modest.
She has this stupid grin that just seems to say, "Look at me. Me. Me. Here I am. Don't you see how cute I am?" I could go on, but you probably get the picture.
I really like Matt Lauer. He's not only a great newscaster, but what an actor. He can almost make you believe he really likes working with Katie Couric. No wonder he keeps doing those Where In The World is Matt Lauer segments...anything to get away from that...that...woman.
Now with this Evening News thing, I would imagine Couric is probably petitioning the United States Postal Service to get her ego its own zip code. Can you imagine turning on the evening news and having to look at that that smug smile. If Dan Rather were alive today he'd be spinning in his grave.
Although I'm sure he appreciates Couric's hatred for George Bush. Have you ever noticed how that smile turns to a scowl whenever any Today Show guest says something nice about the President?
That's about all I have to say on the subject, but I guess some sort of disclaimer is in order. No, I'm not prejudiced against old men with hairy ears, although I do wonder if they've ever thought of keeping some tweezers on hand. And, no, I don't really think women shouldn't be doing the news. There are many great female newscasters, althought, for the life of me I can't think of any right now. Hmmm. Let me think. Is it okay if I get back to you on this?