They say one should never attempt to write a column when one is filled with grief. But, I say, why not? It might be therapeutic.
I am grief stricken today. I guess you can understand why, when I tell you…I’m left handed.
You did hear the news, didn’t you? They (not the same they that say you should never write a column…) are now saying that left-handed people are left-handed because when we were first conceived we had a twin, who somehow dissolved within us.
First of all, I say, “Yuck!” But then I reflect on my grief. I think of the implications. There must have been two of me. Well, actually not two of me, because I think when I do my reflecting that this dissolved twin theory answers a lot of other questions I’ve had in my life.
For instance, if I’m in a large group and I hear someone yell, “Hey, Mary Lynn,” I always turn my head. Do you suppose my dissolved twin was a beautiful little baby girl, named Mary Lynn. Makes sense to me.
I know you’re hoping for some sort of sick confession from me that, as a child, I liked to play with dolls. Nothing like that. But, I always did enjoy the smell of fingernail polish remover. Still do, as a matter of fact.
I think that’s Mary Lynn speaking. And, as much as I would have loved my little sister, I have a feeling she would have been the evil twin. It is my understanding that in all twin relations, there’s a good twin and an evil twin. I learned that from watching soap operas as a child.
Just like on every police force, there is a good cop and a bad cop. Only sometimes the good cop becomes the bad cop and the bad cop the good cop, but I digress.
Mary Lynn must have had a very evil side to her. I know one shouldn’t speak ill of the dissolved, but I have to face facts. That was one evil little girl. Or how else can you explain that someone as kind and loving and thoughtful as I can sometimes think such evil thoughts?
For instance, have you ever been driving down the road and passed a student-driver? And, did you ever have a desire to ram that car off the road, just to let the student driver know how dangerous it can be on the highway? If so, then, you’re either an evil twin, or you’re left-handed. Up til now, I mistakenly thought I was evil.
I didn’t want to think evil of myself, but sometimes I say things to people that I know are not polite. For instance, just this weekend, I phoned a local cab company and asked the guy how much to take a cab from one place to another.
He answered in some sort of a terrorist dialect. It made me (really, Mary Lynn) so mad, I (she) said, “I can’t understand a word you said.” And I hung up. I was blaming myself for that, but now, it would appear I’ve been too hard on myself. Mary Lynn deserves every bit of the blame.
I’m not glad she dissolved, but to be honest, the poor thing would have had a hard row to hoe in life, what with her evilness and all. But, still, perhaps with my good example as her big brother, she would have come around.
One more thing…I asked my mother if she knew about Mary Lynn. She feigned ignorance. But, how else could you explain her wanting me to wear a strapless gown to my senior prom? It’s all making a lot of sense to me now.
I wish I’d known about my twin years ago. But, better late than never. Mary Lynn, I’m going to spend this day remembering you.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Friday, January 12, 2007
The Rest of the STORY
I’m somewhat of a motivational guru. But then, I really don’t have to tell you that. I’m sure my abilities to motivate shine through quite clearly. I thought it might be nice for me to use this space today to share a heartwarming tale, which I personally believe will teach you a thing or two about life. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy telling it.
You probably have never heard of Ronnie Everwood. There’s a reason for that. Let me tell you about him.
Back in Jayhawk, Kansas, in the early fifties, there probably wasn’t a faster runner in town than fifteen-year old Ronnie Everwood. “Ronnie never walked, he always ran,” his mother, Edna Middleton, recalls.
“That boy was a runner, alright,” his stepfather, Earl Middleton agrees.
What Ronnie had in running ability, though, he lacked in self-confidence. However, after much encouragement from his friends, the school track coach, and his parents, Ronnie Everwood agreed to join his high school track team.
Ronnie did quite well in practice, but come the day for the big track meet, as the teams gathered, along with a sizeable crowd of high school track enthusiasts, Ronnie was nowhere to be found.
Finally, just before the match was to begin, the likeable kid was discovered hiding in a toilet stall in the boy’s locker room. “What’s wrong,” Coach Danielson asked, tussling the youngster’s hair.
“I just don’t believe I can win,” Ronnie said.
“You can only do what you believe you can do,” the coach said wisely. “You have to believe in yourself first.”
After much coaxing, Ronnie suited up and ran to the track. His parents, who had been nervously scanning the field, breathed sighs of relief.
Moments later the starter’s gun fired and the boys were off. Ronnie got off to a great start. After the first lap, he led by about ten yards. By the end of lap number two, he had about doubled that, and he’d virtually doubled it again after lap three.
But then something happened. Ronnie simply quit running. Why? No, it wasn’t an injury. He wasn’t winded. He simply gave up because he didn’t believe in himself. And, there, the story of Ronnie Everwood ends.
Half a century later, has anyone ever heard of Ronnie Everwood? Go ahead, and do a search on the name in Google. You won’t find it. There’s a good reason for that. Perhaps, you’ve already guessed it.
You see, the truth is there never was a Ronnie Everwood. Edna and Earl Middleton? Figments of my fertile imagination. Heck, for all I know, there is no Jayhawk, Kansas. I made the entire story up.
Did you learn a thing or two, as I predicted you would? Hopefully, you’ve learned never to trust anyone. I sincerely hope you realize how easily you can be duped. I could have used this outright fabrication to try and motivate you. But, no, I’m too decent a guy for that.
But beware. There are people out there, in this cold, hard world, even some parents, who will lie to you just to make you a better person. Will you fall for it? Will you better yourself based on some lie? It’s something to think about.
You see, I could have told you to think of Ronnie Everwood the next time you were ready to give up. But that would be like telling you to think about Hansel and Gretel the next time your parents ask you to go with them for a walk in the woods. Why waste your time thinking about fairy tales and other assorted lies.
Thankfully, you were in safe hands with me today. The next time some motivational speaker approaches you; you just might not be so lucky.
You probably have never heard of Ronnie Everwood. There’s a reason for that. Let me tell you about him.
Back in Jayhawk, Kansas, in the early fifties, there probably wasn’t a faster runner in town than fifteen-year old Ronnie Everwood. “Ronnie never walked, he always ran,” his mother, Edna Middleton, recalls.
“That boy was a runner, alright,” his stepfather, Earl Middleton agrees.
What Ronnie had in running ability, though, he lacked in self-confidence. However, after much encouragement from his friends, the school track coach, and his parents, Ronnie Everwood agreed to join his high school track team.
Ronnie did quite well in practice, but come the day for the big track meet, as the teams gathered, along with a sizeable crowd of high school track enthusiasts, Ronnie was nowhere to be found.
Finally, just before the match was to begin, the likeable kid was discovered hiding in a toilet stall in the boy’s locker room. “What’s wrong,” Coach Danielson asked, tussling the youngster’s hair.
“I just don’t believe I can win,” Ronnie said.
“You can only do what you believe you can do,” the coach said wisely. “You have to believe in yourself first.”
After much coaxing, Ronnie suited up and ran to the track. His parents, who had been nervously scanning the field, breathed sighs of relief.
Moments later the starter’s gun fired and the boys were off. Ronnie got off to a great start. After the first lap, he led by about ten yards. By the end of lap number two, he had about doubled that, and he’d virtually doubled it again after lap three.
But then something happened. Ronnie simply quit running. Why? No, it wasn’t an injury. He wasn’t winded. He simply gave up because he didn’t believe in himself. And, there, the story of Ronnie Everwood ends.
Half a century later, has anyone ever heard of Ronnie Everwood? Go ahead, and do a search on the name in Google. You won’t find it. There’s a good reason for that. Perhaps, you’ve already guessed it.
You see, the truth is there never was a Ronnie Everwood. Edna and Earl Middleton? Figments of my fertile imagination. Heck, for all I know, there is no Jayhawk, Kansas. I made the entire story up.
Did you learn a thing or two, as I predicted you would? Hopefully, you’ve learned never to trust anyone. I sincerely hope you realize how easily you can be duped. I could have used this outright fabrication to try and motivate you. But, no, I’m too decent a guy for that.
But beware. There are people out there, in this cold, hard world, even some parents, who will lie to you just to make you a better person. Will you fall for it? Will you better yourself based on some lie? It’s something to think about.
You see, I could have told you to think of Ronnie Everwood the next time you were ready to give up. But that would be like telling you to think about Hansel and Gretel the next time your parents ask you to go with them for a walk in the woods. Why waste your time thinking about fairy tales and other assorted lies.
Thankfully, you were in safe hands with me today. The next time some motivational speaker approaches you; you just might not be so lucky.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Alexander Graham Bellyaching
I haven’t slept a wink in two nights? I’m sure you are as excited as am I with regards to Apple’s new IPhone. This is perhaps the most important event in the history of mankind. It’s unbelievable. Just imagine…you are imagining, aren’t you? It’s a phone, an ipod, a movie viewer, it’s a computer, it’s a pda. The deluxe version even comes with a bottle opener attached.
Do you know what this means? It means that ultimately the average American can receive horrible customer service for everything they ever need and all from the same provider. It means that we can be put on hold for upwards of six to twelve hours a day. It means new customer service jobs for millions of non-English speaking citizens of the world’s smaller nations.
And that’s just for starters. Just imagine (keep imagining) the technological implications. Everyone who is walking around with those Bluetooth thingamabobs in their ears today, will one day, in the not too distant future, be walking around with a satellite dish hanging out their pants.
And speaking of Bluetooth…have you noticed how ridiculously ridiculous these morons look whom you see in the grocery stores and malls? At first glance, I think they’re just deviants who talk to themselves. But, as they get closer, and I can see the Bluetooth, I realize they’re far worse than your typical mental cases of yesteryear. This is a new breed of idiot…someone not just crazy, but also impressed with himself and his technology.
Something else that doesn’t make sense to me is that for years people, especially the more mature (sometimes pronounced “elderly”), clamored for hearing aids that were undetectable. Hearing aid manufacturers labored to reduce what once looked like a transistor radio down to the point that today a hearing aid merely looks like a grotesque ball of earwax.
And now, these techno-freaks walk around with what could easily be mistaken for harmonicas hanging out of their ears. And they’re proud of it!
It doesn’t make sense. On one hand, you have people who will deprive themselves of the enjoyment of actually understanding what other people are saying because they don’t want the stigma of having a hearing aid, and, on the other hand, you have those who will stick a big metal box in the side of their head so that, God forbid, they don’t miss out on any opportunity to tell Aunt Betsy what Rosie O’Donnell said this morning, or to find out about Aunt Betsy’s latest tattoo.
Of course, there are also those wannabe high-power, business-people types…the ones who are so impressed with themselves and who love to walk through a crowd pretending to be making deals via their cell phone. These obnoxious boors are the first to click their cell phones on as soon as the airplane hits the ground and, speaking loudly enough for all on the plane to hear them, start scheduling appointments and conferences and the like.
I’m sure these will be among the first to have the new IPhones.
When you think about it, modern technology is wonderful. It’s a great equalizer, in a way. Trailer park trash (not to be confused with any of my wonderful readers who live in mobile homes) and egomaniacal yuppies have become somewhat co-mingled in their use and misuse of this technology. And now, thanks to the new IPhone, the TPT can get in the pick-up and head down to Aunt Betsy’s without having to miss a moment of professional wrestling, while the suits can listen to their latest motivational recording and make million dollar deals while shopping in their favorite gourmet boutique.
And when you think about it, isn’t that what makes life so great on this big blue ball that I like to call earth?
Do you know what this means? It means that ultimately the average American can receive horrible customer service for everything they ever need and all from the same provider. It means that we can be put on hold for upwards of six to twelve hours a day. It means new customer service jobs for millions of non-English speaking citizens of the world’s smaller nations.
And that’s just for starters. Just imagine (keep imagining) the technological implications. Everyone who is walking around with those Bluetooth thingamabobs in their ears today, will one day, in the not too distant future, be walking around with a satellite dish hanging out their pants.
And speaking of Bluetooth…have you noticed how ridiculously ridiculous these morons look whom you see in the grocery stores and malls? At first glance, I think they’re just deviants who talk to themselves. But, as they get closer, and I can see the Bluetooth, I realize they’re far worse than your typical mental cases of yesteryear. This is a new breed of idiot…someone not just crazy, but also impressed with himself and his technology.
Something else that doesn’t make sense to me is that for years people, especially the more mature (sometimes pronounced “elderly”), clamored for hearing aids that were undetectable. Hearing aid manufacturers labored to reduce what once looked like a transistor radio down to the point that today a hearing aid merely looks like a grotesque ball of earwax.
And now, these techno-freaks walk around with what could easily be mistaken for harmonicas hanging out of their ears. And they’re proud of it!
It doesn’t make sense. On one hand, you have people who will deprive themselves of the enjoyment of actually understanding what other people are saying because they don’t want the stigma of having a hearing aid, and, on the other hand, you have those who will stick a big metal box in the side of their head so that, God forbid, they don’t miss out on any opportunity to tell Aunt Betsy what Rosie O’Donnell said this morning, or to find out about Aunt Betsy’s latest tattoo.
Of course, there are also those wannabe high-power, business-people types…the ones who are so impressed with themselves and who love to walk through a crowd pretending to be making deals via their cell phone. These obnoxious boors are the first to click their cell phones on as soon as the airplane hits the ground and, speaking loudly enough for all on the plane to hear them, start scheduling appointments and conferences and the like.
I’m sure these will be among the first to have the new IPhones.
When you think about it, modern technology is wonderful. It’s a great equalizer, in a way. Trailer park trash (not to be confused with any of my wonderful readers who live in mobile homes) and egomaniacal yuppies have become somewhat co-mingled in their use and misuse of this technology. And now, thanks to the new IPhone, the TPT can get in the pick-up and head down to Aunt Betsy’s without having to miss a moment of professional wrestling, while the suits can listen to their latest motivational recording and make million dollar deals while shopping in their favorite gourmet boutique.
And when you think about it, isn’t that what makes life so great on this big blue ball that I like to call earth?
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Buy It By the Gross
I received an email this morning from one of my readers. Wow! I’ve never used that term before. I have a reader, a real honest to goodness reader. You tolerate me. You really tolerate me.
Anywho, she (the reader) makes some interesting points about a new era of grossness in advertising. First, let me share her thoughts:
"Hey, Steve, I've been reading your blog as often as I can (one of your "handful" of friends who is addicted to it), and I thought maybe if you wanted to do a column with a gross subject, I had an idea. I was walking around in Wal-Mart the other night and was struck by how some new cold remedies had the word "mucus" in their names. The commercials are gross, too. They have blubbery little green men (and little mucus kids, too) waddling around and setting up housekeeping in your lungs, until someone takes their mucus remedy and the little mucus people are forcefully ejected. Euuuw, thank heavens they never show you on the commercials where the little mucus people end up after the cough.
Another gross commercial is the one where the little fungus people lift some poor guy's toenail up as if it were a lid and then starts digging away in the skin under the toenail along with hundreds, maybe thousands of his buddies. Then the fungus remedy comes by and saves the day and scares the little buggers off. The first commercial had the remedy actually run over and squish the little fungus guy, but I guess they thought it was too violent and gruesome, what with the cute little fungus laying there dead with his tongue hanging out. In the newer commercials, the fungus remedy just looks threateningly at the fungus person who then runs away."
I agree with the reader. I prefer not to think about the word “mucus.” “Snot” is a much more dainty term, don’t you think?
The thing that really bothers me about those commercials, though is that it humanizes fungi and mucus and the like. When the little fellow under the toenail goes to his reward, so to speak, I’m devastated. Fungy, we hardly knew ye.
It’s the same way with the Raid commercials. I hate cockroaches in the flesh, but the cartoon roaches are just so darn cute that I’m sad to see them get it. I find myself sometimes rooting for the roach. That sounds like a lyric from a 60s rock song, doesn’t it?
Speaking of gross, I had a great idea for a toilet paper commercial a few years back, but everyone I pitched it to thought it was too gross. The commercial showed two people sitting on toilets (nothing revealing, just from the waist up). Anyway, one of the guys is looking disgusted and you see his finger has ripped through the toilet tissue.
The other guy is holding his wad of toilet tissue in the air proudly. His finger has not ripped his paper. The announcer says, “BRAND NAME is proud to announce no new breakthroughs.
Pretty clever, eh? Would you believe no one wanted to use my idea? Me either.
One more commercial that disgusts me is the toilet paper spot showing bears in the woods, with their roll of toilet paper attached to a tree. It creates a visual image that I’d rather not have.
Speaking of bears, today’s the day Governor Mayor Wilder announces the name of the second Maymont bear. I’m so excited I can hardly think straight. I had been thinking that the name Bobby the Baby Biting Bear would be good, but after rereading my column today, I’m going to make a last minute suggestion…Grunty.
Anywho, she (the reader) makes some interesting points about a new era of grossness in advertising. First, let me share her thoughts:
"Hey, Steve, I've been reading your blog as often as I can (one of your "handful" of friends who is addicted to it), and I thought maybe if you wanted to do a column with a gross subject, I had an idea. I was walking around in Wal-Mart the other night and was struck by how some new cold remedies had the word "mucus" in their names. The commercials are gross, too. They have blubbery little green men (and little mucus kids, too) waddling around and setting up housekeeping in your lungs, until someone takes their mucus remedy and the little mucus people are forcefully ejected. Euuuw, thank heavens they never show you on the commercials where the little mucus people end up after the cough.
Another gross commercial is the one where the little fungus people lift some poor guy's toenail up as if it were a lid and then starts digging away in the skin under the toenail along with hundreds, maybe thousands of his buddies. Then the fungus remedy comes by and saves the day and scares the little buggers off. The first commercial had the remedy actually run over and squish the little fungus guy, but I guess they thought it was too violent and gruesome, what with the cute little fungus laying there dead with his tongue hanging out. In the newer commercials, the fungus remedy just looks threateningly at the fungus person who then runs away."
I agree with the reader. I prefer not to think about the word “mucus.” “Snot” is a much more dainty term, don’t you think?
The thing that really bothers me about those commercials, though is that it humanizes fungi and mucus and the like. When the little fellow under the toenail goes to his reward, so to speak, I’m devastated. Fungy, we hardly knew ye.
It’s the same way with the Raid commercials. I hate cockroaches in the flesh, but the cartoon roaches are just so darn cute that I’m sad to see them get it. I find myself sometimes rooting for the roach. That sounds like a lyric from a 60s rock song, doesn’t it?
Speaking of gross, I had a great idea for a toilet paper commercial a few years back, but everyone I pitched it to thought it was too gross. The commercial showed two people sitting on toilets (nothing revealing, just from the waist up). Anyway, one of the guys is looking disgusted and you see his finger has ripped through the toilet tissue.
The other guy is holding his wad of toilet tissue in the air proudly. His finger has not ripped his paper. The announcer says, “BRAND NAME is proud to announce no new breakthroughs.
Pretty clever, eh? Would you believe no one wanted to use my idea? Me either.
One more commercial that disgusts me is the toilet paper spot showing bears in the woods, with their roll of toilet paper attached to a tree. It creates a visual image that I’d rather not have.
Speaking of bears, today’s the day Governor Mayor Wilder announces the name of the second Maymont bear. I’m so excited I can hardly think straight. I had been thinking that the name Bobby the Baby Biting Bear would be good, but after rereading my column today, I’m going to make a last minute suggestion…Grunty.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
A Kinder, Gentler Steve
I don’t know if this constitutes a medical emergency or not, but my anger level is way down. I was thinking about it this morning. There are very few things I really hate right now.
That has me worried. They say that when you run out of things to scream about, you just slowly fade away. Well, they don’t say it. I do, but I believe I know as much as they do anyway.
Even my experience with Sprint Telephone customer service yesterday didn’t reach the ranting and raving stage. True, I did call the guy an idiot. But, if you’d been there you’d have done the same.
I didn’t even scream it at the top of my lungs. I just sort of matter-of-factly said, “Hey, you are an idiot.”
Let me tell you what happened. I couldn't make a call on my cell...kept being told my account could not be validated. So, I call customer service. They say my account looks fine, and that they will transfer me to technical support. I was then put on hold for fifty minutes waiting for technical support and then technical support comes on and tells me, “Oh yeah, there’s nothing wrong with your phone, we’re having a problem on the East Coast.”
“Well, why couldn’t you let your customer service people know that so I wouldn’t have had to wait so long,” I asked meekly.
His reply was one that in the old days would have had my arm reaching into the phone in order to throttle some neck, even if said neck was attached to a head in Bombay. But, rather than becoming hostile, I just quietly suggested that he might be an idiot.
What’s happening to me? Even this morning I had an experience that should have sent me over the edge. I should have run screaming through the house, but instead, I just said to myself, “Oh well. That’s life.”
That’s life? How could I have remained so calm? Oh, yeah, you don’t know what happened do you? I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I got the tube. It’s one of these new-fangled flip-top caps that the toothpaste people are so excited about. The problem is that these big dad-blasted caps simply create a receptacle for toothpaste to harden in. So, after one or two squeezes, the opening becomes scabbed over, as it were, making squeezing toothpaste on one’s brush nearly impossible.
Even though I didn’t go ballistic over the tube problem, which any normal human would have done, I do have a question or two I’d like to ask a customer-service rep with the toothpaste company about. I'm not upset. I just kinda would like to know.
First of all, were the old screw-off caps so much of a problem that they needed to create a new cap? I mean, I’m as lazy as they come, but I never really minded a couple of twists of the old cap.
Personally, I’d prefer they spend more time on new flavors than on new caps. For instance, what about a hamburger flavored toothpaste? Now, that would be a great way to start my day. Or devil's food cake with white icing. Now that would be a flavor.
When I was a kid, someone gave my father a bourbon-flavored toothpaste. It didn’t contain alcohol, just the taste. But, I was sneaking into the bathroom and brushing my teeth eight to ten times a day. Whatever happened to those good old days?
My second question, getting back to toothpaste tube caps, is this, do you guys ever stop to actually “test-drive” your caps before you start putting them on tubes and selling them? I’m sure that if anyone in R&D had taken that flip top tube home and used it a few days, the fool thing would never have gotten out the door. What’s wrong with you people?
Hold on. Do I seem to be getting irritated? Yes! Yes, I do, in fact. This is great. I’m actually getting mad just thinking about that stupid toothpaste tube. Every day or two I have to clean that scummy dross out. (I don’t know what scummy dross is, but I’ve always wanted to use the term). It’s not a pleasant job. It’s thick and hard and icky. And I hate it.
Gee, my blood pressure is soaring over this. I’m feeling giddy. Of course, I know that’s just the diabetes speaking, but hey, I feel alive again.
Life is great. Let me call that Sprint guy back and tell him what I really think of him.
That has me worried. They say that when you run out of things to scream about, you just slowly fade away. Well, they don’t say it. I do, but I believe I know as much as they do anyway.
Even my experience with Sprint Telephone customer service yesterday didn’t reach the ranting and raving stage. True, I did call the guy an idiot. But, if you’d been there you’d have done the same.
I didn’t even scream it at the top of my lungs. I just sort of matter-of-factly said, “Hey, you are an idiot.”
Let me tell you what happened. I couldn't make a call on my cell...kept being told my account could not be validated. So, I call customer service. They say my account looks fine, and that they will transfer me to technical support. I was then put on hold for fifty minutes waiting for technical support and then technical support comes on and tells me, “Oh yeah, there’s nothing wrong with your phone, we’re having a problem on the East Coast.”
“Well, why couldn’t you let your customer service people know that so I wouldn’t have had to wait so long,” I asked meekly.
His reply was one that in the old days would have had my arm reaching into the phone in order to throttle some neck, even if said neck was attached to a head in Bombay. But, rather than becoming hostile, I just quietly suggested that he might be an idiot.
What’s happening to me? Even this morning I had an experience that should have sent me over the edge. I should have run screaming through the house, but instead, I just said to myself, “Oh well. That’s life.”
That’s life? How could I have remained so calm? Oh, yeah, you don’t know what happened do you? I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I got the tube. It’s one of these new-fangled flip-top caps that the toothpaste people are so excited about. The problem is that these big dad-blasted caps simply create a receptacle for toothpaste to harden in. So, after one or two squeezes, the opening becomes scabbed over, as it were, making squeezing toothpaste on one’s brush nearly impossible.
Even though I didn’t go ballistic over the tube problem, which any normal human would have done, I do have a question or two I’d like to ask a customer-service rep with the toothpaste company about. I'm not upset. I just kinda would like to know.
First of all, were the old screw-off caps so much of a problem that they needed to create a new cap? I mean, I’m as lazy as they come, but I never really minded a couple of twists of the old cap.
Personally, I’d prefer they spend more time on new flavors than on new caps. For instance, what about a hamburger flavored toothpaste? Now, that would be a great way to start my day. Or devil's food cake with white icing. Now that would be a flavor.
When I was a kid, someone gave my father a bourbon-flavored toothpaste. It didn’t contain alcohol, just the taste. But, I was sneaking into the bathroom and brushing my teeth eight to ten times a day. Whatever happened to those good old days?
My second question, getting back to toothpaste tube caps, is this, do you guys ever stop to actually “test-drive” your caps before you start putting them on tubes and selling them? I’m sure that if anyone in R&D had taken that flip top tube home and used it a few days, the fool thing would never have gotten out the door. What’s wrong with you people?
Hold on. Do I seem to be getting irritated? Yes! Yes, I do, in fact. This is great. I’m actually getting mad just thinking about that stupid toothpaste tube. Every day or two I have to clean that scummy dross out. (I don’t know what scummy dross is, but I’ve always wanted to use the term). It’s not a pleasant job. It’s thick and hard and icky. And I hate it.
Gee, my blood pressure is soaring over this. I’m feeling giddy. Of course, I know that’s just the diabetes speaking, but hey, I feel alive again.
Life is great. Let me call that Sprint guy back and tell him what I really think of him.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
A Wrinkle In Time
I was talking to my oldest and, yes, dearest, friend, Jon Pope this morning. Okay, I barely know the guy, but he laughs at my jokes, which not only makes him my best friend, it also proves to me the guy's a genius.
Anyway, I have Jon convinced I'm a successful songwriter, and that I'm only working for this company as a community service sort of thing in order to make restitution for an armed robbery a couple of years back.
So, this morning Jon tells me he has an idea for a song. He thinks I should write a song about how when you're having fun, time goes by so quickly, but when you're bored, it just drags slowly by. He's right.
I've often thought that one of the true benefits of my boring existance is that it makes it feel like I'm living longer. But, anyway, I digress. I liked Jon's idea. And, I have to humor him with this songwriting pretense.
So, I sat down and I wrote a little song I like to call, "A Wrinkle In Time." Here, for your listening enjoyment is that song. You'll have to make up your own tune, of course.
I was watching the sci-fi channel just the other night
And they was talking about a subject that to me just don’t seem right
So, I thought I’d sit me down and put my thoughts in rhyme
And try to figger out that thing they call a wrinkle in time
A wrinkle in time. A wrinkle in time
Just the thought has me scratching my head
I don’t xactly know what they was a talking about
But I sure know that I’m mighty afraid.
You see the truth is there’s always been those wrinkles in time
It’s not science fiction. It’s really more like a crime
It’s like when you’re watching your favorite TV show
And your wife starts in to talking about what her days been like, don’t you know.
You’re trying to hear what they’re saying on the TV set
But your wife’s a chattering, she hasn’t taken a breath yet.
How come fore you know it the show’s almost done
And Bertha the missus, well she’s just begun
The thirty minute TV show breezed right past your ears
But your wife’s thirty minutes, well, they seemed like years
Yet it’s the same thirty minutes. Folks, I gotta tell you that I’m
Awfully confused about that dad blasted wrinkle in time.
Anyway, I have Jon convinced I'm a successful songwriter, and that I'm only working for this company as a community service sort of thing in order to make restitution for an armed robbery a couple of years back.
So, this morning Jon tells me he has an idea for a song. He thinks I should write a song about how when you're having fun, time goes by so quickly, but when you're bored, it just drags slowly by. He's right.
I've often thought that one of the true benefits of my boring existance is that it makes it feel like I'm living longer. But, anyway, I digress. I liked Jon's idea. And, I have to humor him with this songwriting pretense.
So, I sat down and I wrote a little song I like to call, "A Wrinkle In Time." Here, for your listening enjoyment is that song. You'll have to make up your own tune, of course.
I was watching the sci-fi channel just the other night
And they was talking about a subject that to me just don’t seem right
So, I thought I’d sit me down and put my thoughts in rhyme
And try to figger out that thing they call a wrinkle in time
A wrinkle in time. A wrinkle in time
Just the thought has me scratching my head
I don’t xactly know what they was a talking about
But I sure know that I’m mighty afraid.
You see the truth is there’s always been those wrinkles in time
It’s not science fiction. It’s really more like a crime
It’s like when you’re watching your favorite TV show
And your wife starts in to talking about what her days been like, don’t you know.
You’re trying to hear what they’re saying on the TV set
But your wife’s a chattering, she hasn’t taken a breath yet.
How come fore you know it the show’s almost done
And Bertha the missus, well she’s just begun
The thirty minute TV show breezed right past your ears
But your wife’s thirty minutes, well, they seemed like years
Yet it’s the same thirty minutes. Folks, I gotta tell you that I’m
Awfully confused about that dad blasted wrinkle in time.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
I Only Complain As a Last Resort
You know how much I hate to complain. But sometimes things happen that force me to air my grievances. For instance, my wife and I spent a couple of nights in a relatively nice hotel recently. Actually, it is a very resort-like facility. You’d think that I wouldn’t be able to find anything about which to complain. Think again.
This resort, like so many of the upscale hotels, are using so-called environmental issues as an excuse to not have to do laundry. You probably know what I’m talking about.
They have this little sign in the bathroom. It reads something like this:
In an effort to conserve the natural resources of this big dying planet, earth, we will only wash towels if you demand it. Now, if you don’t care if our home becomes uninhabitable…if you’re all in favor of seeing you and your family dead, then go ahead and put your towels in the basket, and begrudgingly, we’ll wash them. If you, on the other hand, want to see your kids grow up, we’d suggest you just keep using the same towels day in and day out.
Now, normally, I’ll use the same towel at home for a year or more. After all, I reason, it’s only used to dry off my already clean body, so why replace it? But, there’s something about going to a hotel that makes me want to use a fresh towel every day. In fact, I’d like them to come in and replace the towel after I dry my back and before I dry the front side.
So, I throw all caution to the wind and throw my towel in the basket. Actually, I don’t. I just throw my towel on the floor. That’s another perk of staying in a hotel. You can toss your towels anywhere you wish, and then walk all over them. And, voila, the next day, you have clean towels neatly folded on the rack.
This hotel also has an aversion to changing sheets. I’m wondering how many other guys may have been lying under the same sheets as I, just because none of us took the time to take the “Change the Sheets” card and place it at a 45 degree angle on the desk. Because if you don’t do that, the same ol’ sheets go right back on the bed. Pretty disgusting, eh?
There was something else I didn’t like about my hotel room…horseshoe toilet lids. You know the sit down/stand up lid? I like my lid to go all the way around. I never understood this open-ended lid mentality. My biggest concern is that it provides some wanna be sharpshooters too much of a temptation to try and do the job without lifting the lid.
I hate lifting the lid in a public restroom as much as the next guy. In fact, I’d say if there was one real benefit to being a woman, it’s that you never have to lift the lid. But, my good manners move me to always lift the lid. Oops, I guess I’ve kind of gotten off the subject at hand.
There were other things I didn’t especially care for at this so-called resort. For instance, they use that stupid faucet in the shower that is designed to scald you. You’ve probably seen them. It’s almost impossible to tell which end is the pointer. Is the fool thing pointing to hot or pointing to off?
I always choose the wrong way, and I always get burned. I know the inventor of this faucet is a sadist. I hope he’s getting his jollies knowing what he’s done to me, on more than one occasion.
And, one more thing I didn’t like…The hotel has these really fancy white bath robes you can put on. I never wear robes, unless I’m staying in a hotel that has them. There’s something just kinda luxuriant about the whole thing.
However, the hotel has a little card hung up by the robes that says, “Luxurious to wear, Soft to hold. If it leaves the room, Consider it sold."
What’s with that? They don’t put similar warnings on the TV or the lamps or the chairs, or even the pillows. Obviously the robes are not like the shower caps. No one is his or her right mind would think they’re a giveaway item. I think it’s just sad that people pay big bucks to spend the night in this resort and then they’re made to feel like a criminal.
Hey, if I wanted to be treated like a criminal, I’d go to Sam’s Club. Anyway, I wrote a card of my own which I hung up next to the robes. It read:
"Scratchy to my skin. Puts me in a bad mood. If I get a rash, Consider yourself sued."
Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
Anyway, my mini-vacation is over. I’m back home. And now I have nothing about which to complain. But, don’t worry. I’ll think of something.
This resort, like so many of the upscale hotels, are using so-called environmental issues as an excuse to not have to do laundry. You probably know what I’m talking about.
They have this little sign in the bathroom. It reads something like this:
In an effort to conserve the natural resources of this big dying planet, earth, we will only wash towels if you demand it. Now, if you don’t care if our home becomes uninhabitable…if you’re all in favor of seeing you and your family dead, then go ahead and put your towels in the basket, and begrudgingly, we’ll wash them. If you, on the other hand, want to see your kids grow up, we’d suggest you just keep using the same towels day in and day out.
Now, normally, I’ll use the same towel at home for a year or more. After all, I reason, it’s only used to dry off my already clean body, so why replace it? But, there’s something about going to a hotel that makes me want to use a fresh towel every day. In fact, I’d like them to come in and replace the towel after I dry my back and before I dry the front side.
So, I throw all caution to the wind and throw my towel in the basket. Actually, I don’t. I just throw my towel on the floor. That’s another perk of staying in a hotel. You can toss your towels anywhere you wish, and then walk all over them. And, voila, the next day, you have clean towels neatly folded on the rack.
This hotel also has an aversion to changing sheets. I’m wondering how many other guys may have been lying under the same sheets as I, just because none of us took the time to take the “Change the Sheets” card and place it at a 45 degree angle on the desk. Because if you don’t do that, the same ol’ sheets go right back on the bed. Pretty disgusting, eh?
There was something else I didn’t like about my hotel room…horseshoe toilet lids. You know the sit down/stand up lid? I like my lid to go all the way around. I never understood this open-ended lid mentality. My biggest concern is that it provides some wanna be sharpshooters too much of a temptation to try and do the job without lifting the lid.
I hate lifting the lid in a public restroom as much as the next guy. In fact, I’d say if there was one real benefit to being a woman, it’s that you never have to lift the lid. But, my good manners move me to always lift the lid. Oops, I guess I’ve kind of gotten off the subject at hand.
There were other things I didn’t especially care for at this so-called resort. For instance, they use that stupid faucet in the shower that is designed to scald you. You’ve probably seen them. It’s almost impossible to tell which end is the pointer. Is the fool thing pointing to hot or pointing to off?
I always choose the wrong way, and I always get burned. I know the inventor of this faucet is a sadist. I hope he’s getting his jollies knowing what he’s done to me, on more than one occasion.
And, one more thing I didn’t like…The hotel has these really fancy white bath robes you can put on. I never wear robes, unless I’m staying in a hotel that has them. There’s something just kinda luxuriant about the whole thing.
However, the hotel has a little card hung up by the robes that says, “Luxurious to wear, Soft to hold. If it leaves the room, Consider it sold."
What’s with that? They don’t put similar warnings on the TV or the lamps or the chairs, or even the pillows. Obviously the robes are not like the shower caps. No one is his or her right mind would think they’re a giveaway item. I think it’s just sad that people pay big bucks to spend the night in this resort and then they’re made to feel like a criminal.
Hey, if I wanted to be treated like a criminal, I’d go to Sam’s Club. Anyway, I wrote a card of my own which I hung up next to the robes. It read:
"Scratchy to my skin. Puts me in a bad mood. If I get a rash, Consider yourself sued."
Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
Anyway, my mini-vacation is over. I’m back home. And now I have nothing about which to complain. But, don’t worry. I’ll think of something.
Friday, December 29, 2006
A VISIT TO GERIATRIC PARK
It's a big day here at the ol' office. I'm set to unveil a new product line aimed at those vibrant "active adults (active, as in still breathing)" in my age group. I want to run some of these ideas by you first to see if you think I have a real money-maker on my hands, but only if you qualify. My products would only appeal to those of you who are, how should I say it, just a bit long in the tooth. So, before we proceed, I'd like you to answer a few questions:
1) When you see an ad for an assisted living community, do you find yourself thinking, "Wow. What a cool place to live!"?
2) Do you look at the green and red plaid polyester pants in your closet and say, "Honey, could you buy me a black and white checkered flannel shirt to go with these pants?"
3) Do you find yourself wishing you could be fifty again?
4) Do you spend hours each day checking your pulse and trying to determine if that lump on your left side has a match on the right side?
5) Do you remember a time in the past when Presidents of the United States were younger than you?
6) Is Pepe the Wonder Chihuahua your closest friend?
If you can answer yes to at least four of those questions, then the Steve Cook Senior Moments Gift Collection might be just for you. Here are a few of the items in our first catalogue.
CONNECT THE LIVER SPOTS MARKERS - These non-toxic, easily-wash-off markers provide hours of fun as you connect your liver spots creating clever, and often hilarious shapes.
SILENCE CUSHION - Place this high-tech cushion, utilizing sound asorbing materials developed by NASA, on the chair and invite one of your senior friends to sit on it. Watch for the shock in his/her eyes when he/she sits down and produces none of those tell-tale embarrassing sounds.
HARD CANDY LINT REMOVER - This safe, gentle cleanser comes in a handy spray can and is perfect for cleaning the hard candy that's been sitting in your candy dish since Mother's Day, 1987.
MAIL ENHANCEMENT - Embarrassed by the fact that the mail man just isn't delivering the goods...you know, birthday cards, postcards, letters, and correspondence from family and friends. Now, for just $12.95 a month, Mail Enhancement will send you fake cards for all special occasions. And, when you sign a two-year agreement, we'll send you a pajama-gram at any time of the year you decide.
Finally, one more item for those of you who want to rekindle the romance even when the fire's long been extinguished...PEEKABOO DEPENDS.
1) When you see an ad for an assisted living community, do you find yourself thinking, "Wow. What a cool place to live!"?
2) Do you look at the green and red plaid polyester pants in your closet and say, "Honey, could you buy me a black and white checkered flannel shirt to go with these pants?"
3) Do you find yourself wishing you could be fifty again?
4) Do you spend hours each day checking your pulse and trying to determine if that lump on your left side has a match on the right side?
5) Do you remember a time in the past when Presidents of the United States were younger than you?
6) Is Pepe the Wonder Chihuahua your closest friend?
If you can answer yes to at least four of those questions, then the Steve Cook Senior Moments Gift Collection might be just for you. Here are a few of the items in our first catalogue.
CONNECT THE LIVER SPOTS MARKERS - These non-toxic, easily-wash-off markers provide hours of fun as you connect your liver spots creating clever, and often hilarious shapes.
SILENCE CUSHION - Place this high-tech cushion, utilizing sound asorbing materials developed by NASA, on the chair and invite one of your senior friends to sit on it. Watch for the shock in his/her eyes when he/she sits down and produces none of those tell-tale embarrassing sounds.
HARD CANDY LINT REMOVER - This safe, gentle cleanser comes in a handy spray can and is perfect for cleaning the hard candy that's been sitting in your candy dish since Mother's Day, 1987.
MAIL ENHANCEMENT - Embarrassed by the fact that the mail man just isn't delivering the goods...you know, birthday cards, postcards, letters, and correspondence from family and friends. Now, for just $12.95 a month, Mail Enhancement will send you fake cards for all special occasions. And, when you sign a two-year agreement, we'll send you a pajama-gram at any time of the year you decide.
Finally, one more item for those of you who want to rekindle the romance even when the fire's long been extinguished...PEEKABOO DEPENDS.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
And Yet More Random Observations
I was listening to the news on my way in to work this morning. Now, before I started writing this online column, I’d listen to the news on and yell at the radio in order to express my own views. I had, at least as far as I was concerned, some rather clever opinions and comments, but, alas, no one ever heard them.
Now that I’m read by upwards of a handful of people, there are those few fortunate ones out there with whom I can share my delightful ideas. I know you’re feeling especially lucky to have this opportunity, although, I’m guessing that Kathy G. isn’t feeling so lucky as she lies in her hospital bed this morning. Kathy, I’ve heard you’ve been undergoing a lot of pain, but, take it from me, once the baby is born, it will all have been worth it.
Anyway, enough about her. This is supposed to be all about me, and my thoughts on the news. So, here goes:
How about that East End man who was cleaning his gun and shot both of his kids. Now, normally, shooting one’s children isn’t a laughing matter, but in this case…Well, never mind. But, now they’re talking about arresting the guy. Hey, what’s up with that? It’s not like he deliberately shot his kids. I mean doesn’t everyone handle loaded firearms while holding their 10-month old? And, really how unlucky can one guy be. He shot both kids with one bullet. At least environmentalists should applaud him for not wasting bullets.
I guess you’ve heard by now that Gerald Ford died. Who saw that one coming? I tell you who I feel sorry for. It’s his wife, Betty. The poor woman takes a few drinks, opens up a clinic and now when you hear her name, you think drunks. Here, she becomes one of only about 40 women or so in history to be First Lady and yet when you hear the name Betty Ford, you don’t think wife of a president, you think lush. At least that’s what I think and I’m guessing you think like me.
Another big death in the news this week…James Brown the Godfather of Soul is dead. I always wondered who the father of soul is, and why he named Brown the Godfather. Anyway, word coming from Brown’s family is that the legendary singer’s last words were, “I don’t feel so good.”
There is another story out of the East End this week, that while not as bloody as shooting one’s kids, is just about as stupid. It’s the story about a guy named Fred Gay. Gay gaily decorates his home each year for Christmas, and it would appear from pictures at the Times Dispatch’s website that even for the East End, the guy’s a bit gaudy. In addition to thousands of lights, the guy also has about 100 blow up ornaments…you know the inflatable Santas, elves, snowmen, etc. All sounds a little too kinky if you ask me.
But, a comment by a little girl who visited I think is the most telling. The child said that the yard looks like "Christmas heaven." Somehow, from my limited knowledge, I don't believe heaven is populated with inflatable santas, or angels, for that matter.
I just have one thought on that, if God is as gaudy as Gay, then heaven help us. One thing I know for sure. if I die, I hope I don't go to Fred Gay’s front lawn.
Now that I’m read by upwards of a handful of people, there are those few fortunate ones out there with whom I can share my delightful ideas. I know you’re feeling especially lucky to have this opportunity, although, I’m guessing that Kathy G. isn’t feeling so lucky as she lies in her hospital bed this morning. Kathy, I’ve heard you’ve been undergoing a lot of pain, but, take it from me, once the baby is born, it will all have been worth it.
Anyway, enough about her. This is supposed to be all about me, and my thoughts on the news. So, here goes:
How about that East End man who was cleaning his gun and shot both of his kids. Now, normally, shooting one’s children isn’t a laughing matter, but in this case…Well, never mind. But, now they’re talking about arresting the guy. Hey, what’s up with that? It’s not like he deliberately shot his kids. I mean doesn’t everyone handle loaded firearms while holding their 10-month old? And, really how unlucky can one guy be. He shot both kids with one bullet. At least environmentalists should applaud him for not wasting bullets.
I guess you’ve heard by now that Gerald Ford died. Who saw that one coming? I tell you who I feel sorry for. It’s his wife, Betty. The poor woman takes a few drinks, opens up a clinic and now when you hear her name, you think drunks. Here, she becomes one of only about 40 women or so in history to be First Lady and yet when you hear the name Betty Ford, you don’t think wife of a president, you think lush. At least that’s what I think and I’m guessing you think like me.
Another big death in the news this week…James Brown the Godfather of Soul is dead. I always wondered who the father of soul is, and why he named Brown the Godfather. Anyway, word coming from Brown’s family is that the legendary singer’s last words were, “I don’t feel so good.”
There is another story out of the East End this week, that while not as bloody as shooting one’s kids, is just about as stupid. It’s the story about a guy named Fred Gay. Gay gaily decorates his home each year for Christmas, and it would appear from pictures at the Times Dispatch’s website that even for the East End, the guy’s a bit gaudy. In addition to thousands of lights, the guy also has about 100 blow up ornaments…you know the inflatable Santas, elves, snowmen, etc. All sounds a little too kinky if you ask me.
But, a comment by a little girl who visited I think is the most telling. The child said that the yard looks like "Christmas heaven." Somehow, from my limited knowledge, I don't believe heaven is populated with inflatable santas, or angels, for that matter.
I just have one thought on that, if God is as gaudy as Gay, then heaven help us. One thing I know for sure. if I die, I hope I don't go to Fred Gay’s front lawn.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
That's An Elfish Thing To Do
I’m going to blow the lid off of an international icon. I’m going to upset millions. But, someone has to do it. Someone has to have the fortitude to say, “Enough is enough,” and I’m the one.
Brace yourself. Here me now, and think about this later. Santa Clause is a bigoted snob. There I said it and I feel good. I’m tired of him getting all this positive publicity as some sort of goody-two-shoes bringing toys to boys and girls around the globe.
Oh yeah? Think again. What about little Jewish boys and girls? Or the little Muslim junior terrorists? They don’t deserve a visit from ol’ Saint Nick? Apparently not.
But, you might reason, they don’t celebrate so why should they get anything. Okay, let’s forget the non-celebrants for a moment.
What about all those poor families…the destitute kids? Do their mommas and daddies sit them down and lovingly explain that while Santa Claus is real, the truth is, he just doesn’t love poor kids?
That would seem like the fair thing to do. After all, how do you explain to Johnny why his rich schoolmates got these fabulous gifts, and he got a used pair of shoes and a coloring book?
I think it’s time we took off our rose-colored glasses and smelled the egg nog. Failure to do so could have horrible consequences. Little Johnny may grow up to be a criminal…not through any fault of his own, but because of Santa. If Johnny grows up and eventually comes to your home, perhaps after a lonely Christmas day, and mugs you, are you going to be so in love with the jolly old fat man then? I don’t think so.
There he sits in his comfortable North Pole home giggling like a drunk sailor “Ho Ho” this and “Ho Ho” that. Personally, I believe he’s laughing in the face of the world’s poor folks. Yeah, think about that.
He thinks it’s funny that he is going to bring great electronic games to the upper crust, and, if you’re lucky, he’ll stop by the Dollar Tree and pick up a little trinket for the poor kids.
If there was ever a need for some sort of Senate investigative committee to expose outright corruption, this is it. Let’s stop whitewashing what has been one of the biggest cover ups of hatred and bigotry for hundreds of years. Let’s open our eyes and see what’s really going on.
Now, keep in mind, I’m not endorsing violence. I’m not suggesting that anyone lie in wait for this pompous, overweight elitist, and then giving what’s coming to him. But, if his reindeer were to accidentally ingest rat poisoning this year, I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it.
If Santa were to be mistakenly taken for an intruder and shot, I say so be it. Again, I’m not suggesting anything. I wouldn’t want his blood on my hands, but I can tell you, from what I’ve observed, it would be blood that runs ice cold through the heartless enlarged body of one of the most devious, hypocritical bigots this world has ever seen.
Think about this, not only is Santa an anagram for Satan, but Claus is a homonym for claws. I haven’t stopped shuddering over that fact yet.
Am I an alarmist? You be the judge. But trust me. The day WILL come when you say, “You know…Steve Cook really was on to something. He was trying to tell us something, but we didn’t listen. And, now we are going to have to pay the price for ignoring that wonderful man.” Or, maybe not.
Brace yourself. Here me now, and think about this later. Santa Clause is a bigoted snob. There I said it and I feel good. I’m tired of him getting all this positive publicity as some sort of goody-two-shoes bringing toys to boys and girls around the globe.
Oh yeah? Think again. What about little Jewish boys and girls? Or the little Muslim junior terrorists? They don’t deserve a visit from ol’ Saint Nick? Apparently not.
But, you might reason, they don’t celebrate so why should they get anything. Okay, let’s forget the non-celebrants for a moment.
What about all those poor families…the destitute kids? Do their mommas and daddies sit them down and lovingly explain that while Santa Claus is real, the truth is, he just doesn’t love poor kids?
That would seem like the fair thing to do. After all, how do you explain to Johnny why his rich schoolmates got these fabulous gifts, and he got a used pair of shoes and a coloring book?
I think it’s time we took off our rose-colored glasses and smelled the egg nog. Failure to do so could have horrible consequences. Little Johnny may grow up to be a criminal…not through any fault of his own, but because of Santa. If Johnny grows up and eventually comes to your home, perhaps after a lonely Christmas day, and mugs you, are you going to be so in love with the jolly old fat man then? I don’t think so.
There he sits in his comfortable North Pole home giggling like a drunk sailor “Ho Ho” this and “Ho Ho” that. Personally, I believe he’s laughing in the face of the world’s poor folks. Yeah, think about that.
He thinks it’s funny that he is going to bring great electronic games to the upper crust, and, if you’re lucky, he’ll stop by the Dollar Tree and pick up a little trinket for the poor kids.
If there was ever a need for some sort of Senate investigative committee to expose outright corruption, this is it. Let’s stop whitewashing what has been one of the biggest cover ups of hatred and bigotry for hundreds of years. Let’s open our eyes and see what’s really going on.
Now, keep in mind, I’m not endorsing violence. I’m not suggesting that anyone lie in wait for this pompous, overweight elitist, and then giving what’s coming to him. But, if his reindeer were to accidentally ingest rat poisoning this year, I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it.
If Santa were to be mistakenly taken for an intruder and shot, I say so be it. Again, I’m not suggesting anything. I wouldn’t want his blood on my hands, but I can tell you, from what I’ve observed, it would be blood that runs ice cold through the heartless enlarged body of one of the most devious, hypocritical bigots this world has ever seen.
Think about this, not only is Santa an anagram for Satan, but Claus is a homonym for claws. I haven’t stopped shuddering over that fact yet.
Am I an alarmist? You be the judge. But trust me. The day WILL come when you say, “You know…Steve Cook really was on to something. He was trying to tell us something, but we didn’t listen. And, now we are going to have to pay the price for ignoring that wonderful man.” Or, maybe not.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Am I Early Enough to Call This Steve Cook's Disease?
Well, it’s a sad day in the Cook household today, as you can well imagine. I’ve been diagnosed with RLS. I should have seen this coming, but, to be honest, the diagnosis was a bolt out of the blue.
Now, before you overly panic, I will admit that at this point there’s only been a self-diagnosis, but, truth be told, I’m rarely wrong. I realized that, yes, I am an RLS sufferer while watching television this morning.
As soon as the lady in the commercial, a true sufferer and not an actress, I’m sure, mentioned the symptoms, I sat up and took notice. As she spoke, a tear welled up in my left eye. She could have been talking about me.
At that specific moment (and I'll always remember what I was doing when...) I knew, and immediately shared with my wife, the grim diagnosis. I have Restless Leg Syndrome. It might be Restless Legs, as in many, I’m not sure, but either way, it’s a full-blown case of RLS.
Now thankfully, RLS, unlike most of the other dreaded diseases from which I suffer, including the up-til-now incurable Combination Skin problem, didn’t rear its ugly head until there was already a drug to combat it. At least, I know I never heard about it. I guess another pill is in my future, and before you go worrying about when I can work another pill into my daily regimen, I do have a spot between 3:00 and 3:45 each afternoon, when I’m not taking something.
Getting back to RLS, though, it begins to dawn on me the implications of the fact that there was no RLS until there was an RLS drug. I’m thinking that what this really indicates is that the American Medical Association, in all their wisdom and empathy, didn’t want to panic the American public until the drug was on the market.
And, when you think about it, that’s a real kindness. Suppose an RLS scare got out prior to an effective treatment. Think of how that would impact all of us RLS sufferers. I honestly don’t believe we would have sat still for it. Really, how could we?
And, while I’m appreciative for the AMA’s act of…what can I call it but an act of love for their millions of patients…anyway, while I appreciate it, it causes me some measure of concern. Could there be some other initials from which I suffer and just don’t know about it.
That gives me pause for thought. Now that I think about it, I can come up with some other letter combinations, which, if they ever became real medical problems would scare the dickens out of me. For instance, and I’m sure this goes for most of us who have hit the forty year mile marker and gone on beyond, what about HGES, or Hegess, as I’m wont to call it.
I don’t suffer from HGES yet, but I’m in tune with myself enough to know it’s coming. HGES, of course is Hair Growing in Ears Syndrome. I think if a cure for this malady is not discovered within my lifetime, I’ll do what many men, including our super-duper sales consultant here at the company, Jon Pope, has done…grow a beard. Now, I’m not saying Jon has HGES. I’ve never examined his ears. But, beards are a great way to hide HGES. Admittedly, unless someone probed, they’d never know if the hair around your ears was part of a really cool beard, or a really uncool crop of, well, a crop of hair in the ears.
There’s another disease I’m in the very early throes of, and that’s FWSS. You’ve probably figured that one out, especially if you’re in that wonderful Boomer generation. I’m speaking, of course, about Flatulence When Sneezing Syndrome. And, before you go and get upset with my crudeness, consider this, I didn’t have to use the word “flatulence.”
That’s a disease I sincerely hope medical science is about to cure. Because FWSS is all too often followed by PIPWSS, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, I’ve been sitting here typing way too long. My RLS is acting up, and I’m not on any medication at this point. At least now I know what’s wrong with me. I wonder if I can get handicap license plates for this.
Now, before you overly panic, I will admit that at this point there’s only been a self-diagnosis, but, truth be told, I’m rarely wrong. I realized that, yes, I am an RLS sufferer while watching television this morning.
As soon as the lady in the commercial, a true sufferer and not an actress, I’m sure, mentioned the symptoms, I sat up and took notice. As she spoke, a tear welled up in my left eye. She could have been talking about me.
At that specific moment (and I'll always remember what I was doing when...) I knew, and immediately shared with my wife, the grim diagnosis. I have Restless Leg Syndrome. It might be Restless Legs, as in many, I’m not sure, but either way, it’s a full-blown case of RLS.
Now thankfully, RLS, unlike most of the other dreaded diseases from which I suffer, including the up-til-now incurable Combination Skin problem, didn’t rear its ugly head until there was already a drug to combat it. At least, I know I never heard about it. I guess another pill is in my future, and before you go worrying about when I can work another pill into my daily regimen, I do have a spot between 3:00 and 3:45 each afternoon, when I’m not taking something.
Getting back to RLS, though, it begins to dawn on me the implications of the fact that there was no RLS until there was an RLS drug. I’m thinking that what this really indicates is that the American Medical Association, in all their wisdom and empathy, didn’t want to panic the American public until the drug was on the market.
And, when you think about it, that’s a real kindness. Suppose an RLS scare got out prior to an effective treatment. Think of how that would impact all of us RLS sufferers. I honestly don’t believe we would have sat still for it. Really, how could we?
And, while I’m appreciative for the AMA’s act of…what can I call it but an act of love for their millions of patients…anyway, while I appreciate it, it causes me some measure of concern. Could there be some other initials from which I suffer and just don’t know about it.
That gives me pause for thought. Now that I think about it, I can come up with some other letter combinations, which, if they ever became real medical problems would scare the dickens out of me. For instance, and I’m sure this goes for most of us who have hit the forty year mile marker and gone on beyond, what about HGES, or Hegess, as I’m wont to call it.
I don’t suffer from HGES yet, but I’m in tune with myself enough to know it’s coming. HGES, of course is Hair Growing in Ears Syndrome. I think if a cure for this malady is not discovered within my lifetime, I’ll do what many men, including our super-duper sales consultant here at the company, Jon Pope, has done…grow a beard. Now, I’m not saying Jon has HGES. I’ve never examined his ears. But, beards are a great way to hide HGES. Admittedly, unless someone probed, they’d never know if the hair around your ears was part of a really cool beard, or a really uncool crop of, well, a crop of hair in the ears.
There’s another disease I’m in the very early throes of, and that’s FWSS. You’ve probably figured that one out, especially if you’re in that wonderful Boomer generation. I’m speaking, of course, about Flatulence When Sneezing Syndrome. And, before you go and get upset with my crudeness, consider this, I didn’t have to use the word “flatulence.”
That’s a disease I sincerely hope medical science is about to cure. Because FWSS is all too often followed by PIPWSS, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, I’ve been sitting here typing way too long. My RLS is acting up, and I’m not on any medication at this point. At least now I know what’s wrong with me. I wonder if I can get handicap license plates for this.
Friday, December 15, 2006
More Random Acts of Stupidity
I did something just a little bit stupid this morning. Admittedly, I’m not a genius, but I surprised myself with my stupidity. Or, perhaps I’m being too hard on myself.
Here’s what happened: I was fixing a peanut butter sandwich to eat on my way to work. As I spread the peanut butter on the bread, I noticed a little black speck in the peanut butter. Now, because we had a problem with mice a few months ago, my first reaction is that perhaps Mickey's been pooping in the peanut butter.
I had pretty much convinced myself that I was wrong. It wasn’t quite the right shape (belive me, I have studied such things), and how could a mouse get in a sealed jar of peanut butter. I was pretty sure that it must be some sort of seed from the whole grain bread.
But, after giving the matter about five minutes worth of thought, I finally decided that it’s better to be safe than sorry. So, I took the knife and scraped the speck off the bread. Then, I did the stupid thing. Without thinking, I stuck the knife in my mouth and ate the speck along with a tad of peanut butter.
In other words, to be sure that I didn’t get rat droppings in my sandwich, I went ahead and ate the possible dropping directly. Now, the good news is that the speck didn’t taste like what I would imagine a mouse dropping would taste like (if one can imagine such a thing). It was pretty tasteless, actually.
So, I’m probably safe, but, still, it was a pretty stupid thing to do. At least I’m in good company. There are lots of stupid people out there, and when I put my own antics up against those of others, I can proudly say that I’m no where near the top of the stupid list.
For instance, what about this brilliant truck driver who tried to sneak a crane under an overpass on I-95 last night. I have to admit, I’d rather eat mouse droppings than be facing the charges this brainiac must be looking at. How oblivious must a guy be to think he can do something like that?
Or how about the Holloways? Did you hear about this precocious mother and daughter act? While Samara Holloway was finishing up a 7-month jail term, in Richmond City jail, her brilliant mom, Tracey, allegedly (which means we know you did it, but we just can’t say so) smuggled drugs into the jail (in a body cavity, no less) for her daughter.
So, Samara gets out of jail and now she’s back in for having the drugs Mom smuggled in to her. I guess her mother wanted company. She’s also behind bars for resisting arrest, oh yeah I mean for allegedly resisting arrest. Now, that’s a Richmond family you probably won’t be seeing on Jeopardy anytime soon.
On the national scene, I’ll tell you something else that’s pretty dumb. It’s the way this story regarding South Dakota Senator Tim Johnson is being reported. The poor guy is at death’s door (allegedly), and the main concern among most newscasters is that his death could put the Republicans back in control of the Senate. Gee, Mrs. Johnson, I’m sorry to hear about your husband. Just know that I’m praying that the governor won’t appoint a Republican to replace him when he allegedly dies. But the story that takes the cake, is the one about the British professor who wants warning labels put on clothes for fat people. Now, if I go to the clothing store, and have to buy size triple slob, that’s insult enough. I shouldn’t have to look at some label every time I squeeze into the garment, that contains a phone number to call to counsel me on the dangers of being fat. That's just plain tasteless…as tasteless as rat droppings, if you ask me.
Here’s what happened: I was fixing a peanut butter sandwich to eat on my way to work. As I spread the peanut butter on the bread, I noticed a little black speck in the peanut butter. Now, because we had a problem with mice a few months ago, my first reaction is that perhaps Mickey's been pooping in the peanut butter.
I had pretty much convinced myself that I was wrong. It wasn’t quite the right shape (belive me, I have studied such things), and how could a mouse get in a sealed jar of peanut butter. I was pretty sure that it must be some sort of seed from the whole grain bread.
But, after giving the matter about five minutes worth of thought, I finally decided that it’s better to be safe than sorry. So, I took the knife and scraped the speck off the bread. Then, I did the stupid thing. Without thinking, I stuck the knife in my mouth and ate the speck along with a tad of peanut butter.
In other words, to be sure that I didn’t get rat droppings in my sandwich, I went ahead and ate the possible dropping directly. Now, the good news is that the speck didn’t taste like what I would imagine a mouse dropping would taste like (if one can imagine such a thing). It was pretty tasteless, actually.
So, I’m probably safe, but, still, it was a pretty stupid thing to do. At least I’m in good company. There are lots of stupid people out there, and when I put my own antics up against those of others, I can proudly say that I’m no where near the top of the stupid list.
For instance, what about this brilliant truck driver who tried to sneak a crane under an overpass on I-95 last night. I have to admit, I’d rather eat mouse droppings than be facing the charges this brainiac must be looking at. How oblivious must a guy be to think he can do something like that?
Or how about the Holloways? Did you hear about this precocious mother and daughter act? While Samara Holloway was finishing up a 7-month jail term, in Richmond City jail, her brilliant mom, Tracey, allegedly (which means we know you did it, but we just can’t say so) smuggled drugs into the jail (in a body cavity, no less) for her daughter.
So, Samara gets out of jail and now she’s back in for having the drugs Mom smuggled in to her. I guess her mother wanted company. She’s also behind bars for resisting arrest, oh yeah I mean for allegedly resisting arrest. Now, that’s a Richmond family you probably won’t be seeing on Jeopardy anytime soon.
On the national scene, I’ll tell you something else that’s pretty dumb. It’s the way this story regarding South Dakota Senator Tim Johnson is being reported. The poor guy is at death’s door (allegedly), and the main concern among most newscasters is that his death could put the Republicans back in control of the Senate. Gee, Mrs. Johnson, I’m sorry to hear about your husband. Just know that I’m praying that the governor won’t appoint a Republican to replace him when he allegedly dies. But the story that takes the cake, is the one about the British professor who wants warning labels put on clothes for fat people. Now, if I go to the clothing store, and have to buy size triple slob, that’s insult enough. I shouldn’t have to look at some label every time I squeeze into the garment, that contains a phone number to call to counsel me on the dangers of being fat. That's just plain tasteless…as tasteless as rat droppings, if you ask me.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Good Orning E-ree-ody
Well, I'm in the midst of having an almost lifelong dream come true. First, let me tell you the exciting news that will make this whole thing possible. I've just graduated from the Acme School of Ventriliquism. You've probably heard of them. They're the ones whose motto is "We teach you how to talk without ooin your litz." And, sure enough, I can now do that.
But, that's just the beginning. I've already done an amateur night at a local comedy club, and, while there were a few little glitches (to be expected) in my act, I think I wowed the audience. Let me share the evening with you. And, I can, thanks to the efforts of a Mrs. Janet Dewbarger of Laurel, who transcribed my act and emailed it to me. I'm printing it verbatim, below:
STEVE: Thank you ladies and germs.
AUDIENCE: (Laughter and applause)
STEVE: I'm Steve Cook and I brought along with me somewhere my good friend, Charlie Mahoney. Charlie are you here?
CHARLIE: (muffled) eppp mmm nnnnn dddddox
STEVE: Whoa, sounds like Charlie said, "Help I'm in the box." He must be in my suitcase here. (Steve opens box, pulls out his dummy) Well, look everybody. It's my good friend Charlie Mahoney.
AUDIENCE: (Laughter and applause)
STEVE: So Charlie, what's new?
CHARLIE: i don't know i nnnn dah ox
STEVE: Charlie doesn't know. He's been in the box.
CHARLIE: i haaa et n air
STEVE: You hate it in there?
HECKLER IN AUDIENCE: We can't understand a word the dummy's saying. You got to move your lips a little.
STEVE: Whoa. I'm a ventriliquist. Charlie, tell the nice gentleman what a ventriliquist does.
CHARLIE: He eeks without oooin his litz
HECKLER: That's totally indiscernable. You're the worst ventriliquist I've ever seen.
CHARLIE: Just or that I ne'er gon seek again. Ut ee ack in the ox.
STEVE: (covering beautifully) See what you've done. You've hurt Charlie's feelings. He says he'll never speak again. He wants to go back in the box.
ANOTHER MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE: (kindly) Steve, why don't you try moving your lips just a little. That might help.
STEVE: Hey, thanks. Charlie what do you say?
CHARLIE: Okay. How's this? My nae is Charlie.
STEVE: So, you're name is Charlie, eh. What do you for a living?
CHARLIE: I in wood
STEVE: (knocking on Charlie's head) I get it. You're in wood.
HECKLER: If you're going to repeat everything he says this is going to be a long night.
ANOTHER HECKLER: Besides, nothing you've said is funny.
STEVE: Hey, I'm just getting started. Besides ventriliquists don't have to be funny, do they?
THE NICE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Steve, I'm afraid so. Although many of them aren't. I can see why you're confused.
STEVE: Well, I had a routine planned, but some of you have kinda gotten me off my game.
NICE PERSON: Hey everybody. Let's give Steve another chance, okay?
AUDIENCE: (a few grumbles, but finally everyone applauds)
STEVE: So Charlie, do you have a nickname?
CHARLIE: Yeah, knothead
STEVE: Any relatives?
CHARLIE: Oh I ha any rothers and sisters on i a-i-lee tree.
STEVE: Please bear with me folks, I do have to repeat that one. Oh, you have many brothers and sisters on your family tree.
CHARLIE: Yeah
STEVE: What are their names?
CHARLIE: Well, there's aple.
STEVE: Maple...
CHARLIE: And Ellnnn
STEVE: Elm....
CHARLIE: And Pine
STEVE: Ine...
CHARLIE: And, little fig
STEVE: Little ig.
HECKLER: Hey, you've gotten yourself mixed up with Charlie. You're speaking in his voice and he's speaking in yours.
STEVE: I always did have trouble with that in school.
HECKLER: Why don't you go back to school.
STEVE (getting angry) Hey, Hayseed, I've had enough out of you.
HECKLER: Hey, you can't call me Hayseed. That's a hate crime.
STEVE: Sorry Hayseed, but Hayseed is a name I can use. According to the handbook for entertainers, "Epithets You Can Still Say Without Having To Make a Public Apology (note from editor: This handbook is the work of Mahatma Jose Osama Bin Vereen)." The book clearly states that since that name is almost always applied to white men, it's okay to use. So there.
HECKLER: So there, yourself.
EMCEE: Thanks Steve. I think that's quite enough.
STEVE: Say goodbye Charlie.
CHARLIE: Good eye, Charlie.
Well, that's the way it went. As I said, there were a few glitches along the way, but I'm sure even Bea Arthur had a few flubs in the early days of her illustrious career. One thing for sure, I'm not giving up. Look for me on another stage real soon.
But, that's just the beginning. I've already done an amateur night at a local comedy club, and, while there were a few little glitches (to be expected) in my act, I think I wowed the audience. Let me share the evening with you. And, I can, thanks to the efforts of a Mrs. Janet Dewbarger of Laurel, who transcribed my act and emailed it to me. I'm printing it verbatim, below:
STEVE: Thank you ladies and germs.
AUDIENCE: (Laughter and applause)
STEVE: I'm Steve Cook and I brought along with me somewhere my good friend, Charlie Mahoney. Charlie are you here?
CHARLIE: (muffled) eppp mmm nnnnn dddddox
STEVE: Whoa, sounds like Charlie said, "Help I'm in the box." He must be in my suitcase here. (Steve opens box, pulls out his dummy) Well, look everybody. It's my good friend Charlie Mahoney.
AUDIENCE: (Laughter and applause)
STEVE: So Charlie, what's new?
CHARLIE: i don't know i nnnn dah ox
STEVE: Charlie doesn't know. He's been in the box.
CHARLIE: i haaa et n air
STEVE: You hate it in there?
HECKLER IN AUDIENCE: We can't understand a word the dummy's saying. You got to move your lips a little.
STEVE: Whoa. I'm a ventriliquist. Charlie, tell the nice gentleman what a ventriliquist does.
CHARLIE: He eeks without oooin his litz
HECKLER: That's totally indiscernable. You're the worst ventriliquist I've ever seen.
CHARLIE: Just or that I ne'er gon seek again. Ut ee ack in the ox.
STEVE: (covering beautifully) See what you've done. You've hurt Charlie's feelings. He says he'll never speak again. He wants to go back in the box.
ANOTHER MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE: (kindly) Steve, why don't you try moving your lips just a little. That might help.
STEVE: Hey, thanks. Charlie what do you say?
CHARLIE: Okay. How's this? My nae is Charlie.
STEVE: So, you're name is Charlie, eh. What do you for a living?
CHARLIE: I in wood
STEVE: (knocking on Charlie's head) I get it. You're in wood.
HECKLER: If you're going to repeat everything he says this is going to be a long night.
ANOTHER HECKLER: Besides, nothing you've said is funny.
STEVE: Hey, I'm just getting started. Besides ventriliquists don't have to be funny, do they?
THE NICE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Steve, I'm afraid so. Although many of them aren't. I can see why you're confused.
STEVE: Well, I had a routine planned, but some of you have kinda gotten me off my game.
NICE PERSON: Hey everybody. Let's give Steve another chance, okay?
AUDIENCE: (a few grumbles, but finally everyone applauds)
STEVE: So Charlie, do you have a nickname?
CHARLIE: Yeah, knothead
STEVE: Any relatives?
CHARLIE: Oh I ha any rothers and sisters on i a-i-lee tree.
STEVE: Please bear with me folks, I do have to repeat that one. Oh, you have many brothers and sisters on your family tree.
CHARLIE: Yeah
STEVE: What are their names?
CHARLIE: Well, there's aple.
STEVE: Maple...
CHARLIE: And Ellnnn
STEVE: Elm....
CHARLIE: And Pine
STEVE: Ine...
CHARLIE: And, little fig
STEVE: Little ig.
HECKLER: Hey, you've gotten yourself mixed up with Charlie. You're speaking in his voice and he's speaking in yours.
STEVE: I always did have trouble with that in school.
HECKLER: Why don't you go back to school.
STEVE (getting angry) Hey, Hayseed, I've had enough out of you.
HECKLER: Hey, you can't call me Hayseed. That's a hate crime.
STEVE: Sorry Hayseed, but Hayseed is a name I can use. According to the handbook for entertainers, "Epithets You Can Still Say Without Having To Make a Public Apology (note from editor: This handbook is the work of Mahatma Jose Osama Bin Vereen)." The book clearly states that since that name is almost always applied to white men, it's okay to use. So there.
HECKLER: So there, yourself.
EMCEE: Thanks Steve. I think that's quite enough.
STEVE: Say goodbye Charlie.
CHARLIE: Good eye, Charlie.
Well, that's the way it went. As I said, there were a few glitches along the way, but I'm sure even Bea Arthur had a few flubs in the early days of her illustrious career. One thing for sure, I'm not giving up. Look for me on another stage real soon.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Is There Anyone I Haven't Offended Here?
Twas three weeks before Christmas
And I was in a foul moo-id
When who should call me up
But my old friend, Lochru, the Druid
“Hey Pal,” he exclaimed with somewhat of a shout,
“Please tell me what this war against Christmas is about.”
“Beats me,” I replied. “That’s not my cup of tea.”
“Well,” he said, “They’re complaining about diversity.”
“Who is they” I asked, “making all this hullabaloo?”
“It’s some bunch of nuts,” he says, “known as the A.C.L.U.
Seems they don’t think Christmas is diverse enough.
But it’s total diversity. I know all about this stuff.”
“Total diversity?” I asked, with somewhat of a yawn.
“Yeah,” he said, “From the Celtic yule log to Saint Nick on the lawn.”
“I’m still in the dark. Are you saying Santa’s diverse?”
“Well, he’s really a pagan Norse god, but wait it gets worse.”
“Well,” I wisely replied, “I knew he wasn’t there in the manger.”
“And neither was Jesus in December, but wait it gets stranger.”
“Lochru, my friend,” I said over the phone.
“I don’t want to make waves. You’re in this alone.”
“All I am saying,” he replied with so very much glee,
“Is that Christmas is your day if you want diversity.
The neigh-sayers are saying that the whole day is too Christian,
And what I’m trying to say is that Christian it isn’t.”
“Well spit it out then,” I say. “Don’t let the words fail ya.”
“I say” he says, “Let’s call the Roman Saturnalia the Saturnalia.
And what could be more diverse than the Roman’s day of the sun,
mixed with Druid myth, Norse gods…add fertility rites for some fun.
“Shake it all up, add some snow till it freezes.
And then gaily proclaim, ‘Happy Birthday, Jesus.”
It seems that virtually every culture would get all their wishes,
A wham bang celebration that’s truly A.C.L.U.-LICIOUS.
And I was in a foul moo-id
When who should call me up
But my old friend, Lochru, the Druid
“Hey Pal,” he exclaimed with somewhat of a shout,
“Please tell me what this war against Christmas is about.”
“Beats me,” I replied. “That’s not my cup of tea.”
“Well,” he said, “They’re complaining about diversity.”
“Who is they” I asked, “making all this hullabaloo?”
“It’s some bunch of nuts,” he says, “known as the A.C.L.U.
Seems they don’t think Christmas is diverse enough.
But it’s total diversity. I know all about this stuff.”
“Total diversity?” I asked, with somewhat of a yawn.
“Yeah,” he said, “From the Celtic yule log to Saint Nick on the lawn.”
“I’m still in the dark. Are you saying Santa’s diverse?”
“Well, he’s really a pagan Norse god, but wait it gets worse.”
“Well,” I wisely replied, “I knew he wasn’t there in the manger.”
“And neither was Jesus in December, but wait it gets stranger.”
“Lochru, my friend,” I said over the phone.
“I don’t want to make waves. You’re in this alone.”
“All I am saying,” he replied with so very much glee,
“Is that Christmas is your day if you want diversity.
The neigh-sayers are saying that the whole day is too Christian,
And what I’m trying to say is that Christian it isn’t.”
“Well spit it out then,” I say. “Don’t let the words fail ya.”
“I say” he says, “Let’s call the Roman Saturnalia the Saturnalia.
And what could be more diverse than the Roman’s day of the sun,
mixed with Druid myth, Norse gods…add fertility rites for some fun.
“Shake it all up, add some snow till it freezes.
And then gaily proclaim, ‘Happy Birthday, Jesus.”
It seems that virtually every culture would get all their wishes,
A wham bang celebration that’s truly A.C.L.U.-LICIOUS.
Friday, December 01, 2006
The Nerve of Some Presidents
You know, that Jim Webb is one party animal. And, personally, I think we, here in Virginia, ought to be delighted to have him. He's a national treasure. I mean, think about it. Can you come up with any other senator anywhere who goes to a party with the President of the United States and almost gets into a fist fight with him? Talk about a cool guy!
Now, I've heard some folks on the radio blasting Webb, but did you hear what President Bush had the gall to do? Unbelieveably, Bush goes right up to Webb at this party and asks him how his son is doing. Can you imagine the nerve of some people. Listen here Mr. Bush...just because you're the president doesn't give you the right to go around asking people how their kids are doing.
Next thing you know this power hungry President will want to shake hands. Well, good thing for him he didn't try that with the honorable Jim Webb, or I'm sure Webb would have shook hands and come out fighting, if you know what I mean.
I think we should congratulate Jim Webb on showing such self restraint. I know I wouldn't have had his discipline. I was at a family reunion not too long ago and this little old lady comes right up to me and asks me how my daughter was doing. "Aunt Sarah," I say, looking her right in the eye, "that's between me and my daughter." Hmmph, I showed her. But did that shut the old busy body up? Nope.
"I was just asking how your daughter was doing," Aunt Sarah said, feigning hurt.
"Oh excuse me," I said sarcastically. "And, I guess you also want to pry into my personal life and ask about my wife too, huh?" By this time I was boiling. "I'm on to you, you old coot," I shouted at this ninety-two year old nosey nanny."
By this time a crowd had gathered. I could tell the other family members were looking at me with admiration. It was about time somebody put this woman in her place.
Some in the group, I have to tell you, seemed a little stunned. It may be because the devious old bag started crying. Her crocodile tears didn't suprise me one bit. "Would you just turn around, go back to your walker and leave me alone?" I shouted. And then I did something that I think Jim Webb would have loved. When Aunt Sarah turned around to leave, I drop kicked her into the fruit punch. Talk about a surprised look on a prune face!
It was priceless. Her dentures went one way. Her hearing aid went another and her walker ended up wrapped around the neck of one of the toddlers. But, don't worry. No one blamed me. They knew it was Aunt Sarah's fault.
So, you can imagine how proud I am of United States Senator Elect Jim Webb. He's a man after my own heart. And, here's an open imitation to the gentleman. If you ever get invited to the Oval Office, and need a good tag team partner, just let me know. I can do a pretty good pile driver, too.
Now, I've heard some folks on the radio blasting Webb, but did you hear what President Bush had the gall to do? Unbelieveably, Bush goes right up to Webb at this party and asks him how his son is doing. Can you imagine the nerve of some people. Listen here Mr. Bush...just because you're the president doesn't give you the right to go around asking people how their kids are doing.
Next thing you know this power hungry President will want to shake hands. Well, good thing for him he didn't try that with the honorable Jim Webb, or I'm sure Webb would have shook hands and come out fighting, if you know what I mean.
I think we should congratulate Jim Webb on showing such self restraint. I know I wouldn't have had his discipline. I was at a family reunion not too long ago and this little old lady comes right up to me and asks me how my daughter was doing. "Aunt Sarah," I say, looking her right in the eye, "that's between me and my daughter." Hmmph, I showed her. But did that shut the old busy body up? Nope.
"I was just asking how your daughter was doing," Aunt Sarah said, feigning hurt.
"Oh excuse me," I said sarcastically. "And, I guess you also want to pry into my personal life and ask about my wife too, huh?" By this time I was boiling. "I'm on to you, you old coot," I shouted at this ninety-two year old nosey nanny."
By this time a crowd had gathered. I could tell the other family members were looking at me with admiration. It was about time somebody put this woman in her place.
Some in the group, I have to tell you, seemed a little stunned. It may be because the devious old bag started crying. Her crocodile tears didn't suprise me one bit. "Would you just turn around, go back to your walker and leave me alone?" I shouted. And then I did something that I think Jim Webb would have loved. When Aunt Sarah turned around to leave, I drop kicked her into the fruit punch. Talk about a surprised look on a prune face!
It was priceless. Her dentures went one way. Her hearing aid went another and her walker ended up wrapped around the neck of one of the toddlers. But, don't worry. No one blamed me. They knew it was Aunt Sarah's fault.
So, you can imagine how proud I am of United States Senator Elect Jim Webb. He's a man after my own heart. And, here's an open imitation to the gentleman. If you ever get invited to the Oval Office, and need a good tag team partner, just let me know. I can do a pretty good pile driver, too.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
My Name Is Steve C.
You may have noticed that I haven't written much lately. There's a reason for that, and I figure I may as well come right out and tell you what it is. It's not pretty. It's not something I'm proud of. But, it's the cold hard facts.
I've been in rehab, fighting an addiction...Tetris.
It started so innocently. I bought a new cell phone about a year ago and was allowed by the marvelously generous folks at Sprint to download a free game. I chose Tetris. If you're not familiar with it, Tetris is a Russian game where you try to fit various shaped pieces together. When you get a whole line completed you score points. Sounds like fun, eh? Well it was...at first. But, you know those Russians (hope I don't sound like Michael Richards here). They're devious. Even their president goes around poisoning ex-spies.
And they poisoned my mind. Really, they did. I started playing Tetris a few minutes here...a few minutes there, and before I realized what was happening, I was playing six to twelve hours a day.
I stayed up all night playing. I started taking sick days at work in order to stay home and play. I kept telling myself I could stop anytime I wanted to. And, I did, on many occasions, but each time that demon Tetris came back with a vengeance.
Recently I began to realize I'd hit rock bottom. I looked for some sort of twelve step program to help me stop. I went to a TA meeting. Unfortunately, this group had nothing to do with Tetris addiction.
Finally, when I was at wit's end, I saw an ad for a rehab clinic in Tampa, Florida...Sister Mary Krushchev's Tetris De-Tox and Cellulite Removal Ranch. Kill two birds with one stone, I thought.
So, away I went. It was a grueling four months. We were up at six every morning, eating a breakfast of seaweed and kelp. Then there were the group sessions. We'd introduce ourselves. And we'd have to confess to our addictions. Not everyone there suffered from Tetris addiction. There were Ms Pac Man addicts, and Super Mario addicts. Of course, there must have been a couple dozen Solitaire addicts. There was even a poor old man, probably in his eighties, who had been addicted to Pong for over forty years. That was very sad.
After a lunch of bean sprouts and ice cube sandwiches, we'd spend the afternoon weaving baskets or building submarines out of popcycle sticks. Then we'd have more meetings. Those of us who were addicted to Tetris would compare how many lines we had been doing each day.
Finally, after a dinner of oxygen and toothpicks, we'd turn in at about 7:30 PM. The first few nights, I'd sneak back up, get some construction paper and cut out little squares and rectangles and other shapes and then piece them together. After one of the ex-nuns who runs the place caught me and beat me mercilessly, I figured it was time to cut that out (no pun intended).
Well, the bottom line is I've been Tetris-free for over a week. Sure, I wake up at night in a sweat, thinking about the hopelessness of making a square fit when there was no space for it, but aside from that, I'm pretty clean. I feel great. I feel like a new man. I think I'm going to really enjoy life again.
Before I go, just one thing. Can any one out there loan me a cell phone?
I've been in rehab, fighting an addiction...Tetris.
It started so innocently. I bought a new cell phone about a year ago and was allowed by the marvelously generous folks at Sprint to download a free game. I chose Tetris. If you're not familiar with it, Tetris is a Russian game where you try to fit various shaped pieces together. When you get a whole line completed you score points. Sounds like fun, eh? Well it was...at first. But, you know those Russians (hope I don't sound like Michael Richards here). They're devious. Even their president goes around poisoning ex-spies.
And they poisoned my mind. Really, they did. I started playing Tetris a few minutes here...a few minutes there, and before I realized what was happening, I was playing six to twelve hours a day.
I stayed up all night playing. I started taking sick days at work in order to stay home and play. I kept telling myself I could stop anytime I wanted to. And, I did, on many occasions, but each time that demon Tetris came back with a vengeance.
Recently I began to realize I'd hit rock bottom. I looked for some sort of twelve step program to help me stop. I went to a TA meeting. Unfortunately, this group had nothing to do with Tetris addiction.
Finally, when I was at wit's end, I saw an ad for a rehab clinic in Tampa, Florida...Sister Mary Krushchev's Tetris De-Tox and Cellulite Removal Ranch. Kill two birds with one stone, I thought.
So, away I went. It was a grueling four months. We were up at six every morning, eating a breakfast of seaweed and kelp. Then there were the group sessions. We'd introduce ourselves. And we'd have to confess to our addictions. Not everyone there suffered from Tetris addiction. There were Ms Pac Man addicts, and Super Mario addicts. Of course, there must have been a couple dozen Solitaire addicts. There was even a poor old man, probably in his eighties, who had been addicted to Pong for over forty years. That was very sad.
After a lunch of bean sprouts and ice cube sandwiches, we'd spend the afternoon weaving baskets or building submarines out of popcycle sticks. Then we'd have more meetings. Those of us who were addicted to Tetris would compare how many lines we had been doing each day.
Finally, after a dinner of oxygen and toothpicks, we'd turn in at about 7:30 PM. The first few nights, I'd sneak back up, get some construction paper and cut out little squares and rectangles and other shapes and then piece them together. After one of the ex-nuns who runs the place caught me and beat me mercilessly, I figured it was time to cut that out (no pun intended).
Well, the bottom line is I've been Tetris-free for over a week. Sure, I wake up at night in a sweat, thinking about the hopelessness of making a square fit when there was no space for it, but aside from that, I'm pretty clean. I feel great. I feel like a new man. I think I'm going to really enjoy life again.
Before I go, just one thing. Can any one out there loan me a cell phone?
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Sorry Excuse.
This whole Michael Richards fiasco, following somewhat on the heels of the Mel Gibson deal has opened up a rather painful memory from my past. Sometimes it helps to talk these things out, especially when I really can't think of anything else about which to write.
The painful, and up-til-now closeted event in my life goes back about a half a century, to my first grade days in Boones Mill Elementary School. It was the annual Boones Mill Elementary May Day Talent Show. Gee, I remember it like it was yesterday.
(INSERT DREAM LIKE MUSIC AND SPECIAL EFFECTS HERE)
Mrs. Williams (my first grade teacher): And now, everyone, little Stevie Cook will be performing his rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot." Let's have a big hand for Stevie.
Me: (shuffling onstage, placing one hand on my hip, and bending my other arm and hand to remarkably ressemble a spout) I'm a little teapot...short and stout..."
Floyd Clingenpeel (a bratty kid in the audience, not to be confused with his twin brother Lloyd Clingenpeel): You sure are short...and stout too.
Entire Audience: Laugh Laugh
Me: (LANGUAGE WARNING: Watch out, remove children from the room. I use the "B" word here) Oh yeah. You...you...you bugger eater.
Floyd: Who you calling bugger eater, fatso?
Me: You! Bugger Eater! Bugger Eater! Bugger Eater!
At that point Mrs. Williams, and our principal, Mr. Gruver rushed me offstage. I had humiliated myself and the school. The story made the Franklin County Gazette the next week. My career in show business was pretty much destroyed.
I did go on a local TV talk show a few days later. That went something like this:
(MORE DREAMY MUSIC)
Me: What can I say, but I am truly sorry. I am sorry not only that I hurt Floyd Clingenpeel, but that i hurt bugger eaters everywhere. And not just bugger eaters. I know there are many that were hurt. For instance, take Sandra Wood, who is in my class. She doesn't eat buggers, at least not to my knowledge, but she chews ABC gum. She doesn't know that anyone knows that, but we all do. I'm sure she was hurt, because there really isn't much difference between a bugger eater and an ABC gum chewer. Or consider Bluford Overfelt. He's in the third grade and he still wets his bed at night. I overheard his mother tell my mother that he did. I'm sure he was hurt by my cruel words. To all of these people, I truly say "I'm sorry."
Now you would have thought that such a heartfelt apology would have put an end to the matter. You'd have thought we all could have had a good laugh and gotten back to the business of learning to read and write. But, noooooooo. It seems those kids at Boones Mill Elementary were not very forgiving. Charles Wimmer, who was in the second grade, and who was president of the ABEDL, that's the Anti-Bugger Eaters Defamation League, was very vocal in condemining me.
He said, and I quote, "It's unfortunate that Mr. Stevie Cook chose to go on a non-bugger eating TV show, with a non-bugger eating audience and apologize. I'd have felt more comfortable if he'd gone on Romper Room where most of the audience are bugger eaters."
It's that sort of mentality that pretty much did me in. Shortly thereafter, I moved from Boones Mill to Richmond. I changed my name from Stevie Cook to Steve Cook, and for the past fifty years I've been successful in keeping this nastiness hidden, but, thanks to Michael Richards all the pain and the hurt have come flooding back.
I heard from Bluford Overfelt last night. He admitted that he had a hard time living down the bed wetting reputation, and then confessed that just about the time he'd lived it down (within the past year or so), he's once again become incontinent. I consoled him. I told him what goes around comes around.
Neither of us knew exactly what that meant, but we both felt better. If there are any more of your Boones Millians out there who are still hurting over my unkind words, what can I say? Taking a cue from Mel Gibson and Michael Richards, let me well up a tear in my eye and say, "I'm sorry." That ought to take care of matters once and for all. And, if you don't like it, well, hey, I'm sorry.
The painful, and up-til-now closeted event in my life goes back about a half a century, to my first grade days in Boones Mill Elementary School. It was the annual Boones Mill Elementary May Day Talent Show. Gee, I remember it like it was yesterday.
(INSERT DREAM LIKE MUSIC AND SPECIAL EFFECTS HERE)
Mrs. Williams (my first grade teacher): And now, everyone, little Stevie Cook will be performing his rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot." Let's have a big hand for Stevie.
Me: (shuffling onstage, placing one hand on my hip, and bending my other arm and hand to remarkably ressemble a spout) I'm a little teapot...short and stout..."
Floyd Clingenpeel (a bratty kid in the audience, not to be confused with his twin brother Lloyd Clingenpeel): You sure are short...and stout too.
Entire Audience: Laugh Laugh
Me: (LANGUAGE WARNING: Watch out, remove children from the room. I use the "B" word here) Oh yeah. You...you...you bugger eater.
Floyd: Who you calling bugger eater, fatso?
Me: You! Bugger Eater! Bugger Eater! Bugger Eater!
At that point Mrs. Williams, and our principal, Mr. Gruver rushed me offstage. I had humiliated myself and the school. The story made the Franklin County Gazette the next week. My career in show business was pretty much destroyed.
I did go on a local TV talk show a few days later. That went something like this:
(MORE DREAMY MUSIC)
Me: What can I say, but I am truly sorry. I am sorry not only that I hurt Floyd Clingenpeel, but that i hurt bugger eaters everywhere. And not just bugger eaters. I know there are many that were hurt. For instance, take Sandra Wood, who is in my class. She doesn't eat buggers, at least not to my knowledge, but she chews ABC gum. She doesn't know that anyone knows that, but we all do. I'm sure she was hurt, because there really isn't much difference between a bugger eater and an ABC gum chewer. Or consider Bluford Overfelt. He's in the third grade and he still wets his bed at night. I overheard his mother tell my mother that he did. I'm sure he was hurt by my cruel words. To all of these people, I truly say "I'm sorry."
Now you would have thought that such a heartfelt apology would have put an end to the matter. You'd have thought we all could have had a good laugh and gotten back to the business of learning to read and write. But, noooooooo. It seems those kids at Boones Mill Elementary were not very forgiving. Charles Wimmer, who was in the second grade, and who was president of the ABEDL, that's the Anti-Bugger Eaters Defamation League, was very vocal in condemining me.
He said, and I quote, "It's unfortunate that Mr. Stevie Cook chose to go on a non-bugger eating TV show, with a non-bugger eating audience and apologize. I'd have felt more comfortable if he'd gone on Romper Room where most of the audience are bugger eaters."
It's that sort of mentality that pretty much did me in. Shortly thereafter, I moved from Boones Mill to Richmond. I changed my name from Stevie Cook to Steve Cook, and for the past fifty years I've been successful in keeping this nastiness hidden, but, thanks to Michael Richards all the pain and the hurt have come flooding back.
I heard from Bluford Overfelt last night. He admitted that he had a hard time living down the bed wetting reputation, and then confessed that just about the time he'd lived it down (within the past year or so), he's once again become incontinent. I consoled him. I told him what goes around comes around.
Neither of us knew exactly what that meant, but we both felt better. If there are any more of your Boones Millians out there who are still hurting over my unkind words, what can I say? Taking a cue from Mel Gibson and Michael Richards, let me well up a tear in my eye and say, "I'm sorry." That ought to take care of matters once and for all. And, if you don't like it, well, hey, I'm sorry.
Friday, November 17, 2006
Are We Stupid or What?
When I say, "Are WE stupid..." I really mean other folks, not me. Is it just me, or is stupidity really at an all-time high?
For instance, take these brainiacs who will stand in line for 48 hours to buy a video game. Admittedly, most do it so they can sell the video game at a profit. Maybe the folks at Sony are the stupid ones. Why don't they just take all their x-boxes, or whatever they're called and sell them on E-bay themselves for thousands of dollars.
And tell me this...how stupid do you have to be to pay three thousand dollars for a six hundred dollar game in order to be the first on your block to own that x-box.
I think Best Buy and Circuit City should take the folks who line up to buy the game, and make them do some sort of community service during those 48 hours they're just hanging around, getting their pictures taken by the stupid people at the newspaper who think there's something interesting about all this.
And, then what about those stupid people who write columns about the stupid people who do all those other stupid things mentioned above. Now, that's really stupid.
I tell you what else is stupid. I heard this morning that when this new movie, Dreamgirls comes out, they're going to sell tickets for twenty-five dollars for the first ten days. So, if you want to impress all your friends by telling them you were one of the first to see the movie, you have to shell out twenty-five bucks.
Listen, take some advice from an old man who has been around the block a few times. If you want to impress people with stuff you have or stuff you've done, impress them the old fashioned way...lie. It's easy and it doesn't cost a dime. I have the new x-box. I love it, and you know what, I've already seen Dreamgirls. I had to pay a thousand dollars for a really good seat, but it was worth it.
Impressed? I thought you would be. But, surprise. I made the whole thing up. I did this only for demonstration purposes...just to show you how you can save big bucks, as well as precious time waiting in some stupid line, if you simply lie.
There's one more really stupid thing I wanted to talk about, but I'm a little reluctant to do so. I write this little piece for entertainment purposes only (please, no wagering) and there's nothing entertaining about O.J. Simpson, or in Fox TVs decision to air a two-night interview in which Simpson will explain how he would have killed his wife, but, of course, he didn't. Who could conceive of something so stupid.
Actually this goes way beyond stupid. It's about the most immoral thing I've ever heard. Obviously Simpson has no morals or conscience, for that matter. But I'd think there'd be someone at Fox who makes the big decisions who'd not be so stupid to air this. I guess I'm wrong.
It's painfully obvious that Simpson has no regard for his children's feelings, but isn't there someone somewhere who might have the decency to step in and say we're not going to subject his children to this?
Maybe I shouldn't say this, but if you watch that interview on Fox, you'd have to be pretty stupid.
For instance, take these brainiacs who will stand in line for 48 hours to buy a video game. Admittedly, most do it so they can sell the video game at a profit. Maybe the folks at Sony are the stupid ones. Why don't they just take all their x-boxes, or whatever they're called and sell them on E-bay themselves for thousands of dollars.
And tell me this...how stupid do you have to be to pay three thousand dollars for a six hundred dollar game in order to be the first on your block to own that x-box.
I think Best Buy and Circuit City should take the folks who line up to buy the game, and make them do some sort of community service during those 48 hours they're just hanging around, getting their pictures taken by the stupid people at the newspaper who think there's something interesting about all this.
And, then what about those stupid people who write columns about the stupid people who do all those other stupid things mentioned above. Now, that's really stupid.
I tell you what else is stupid. I heard this morning that when this new movie, Dreamgirls comes out, they're going to sell tickets for twenty-five dollars for the first ten days. So, if you want to impress all your friends by telling them you were one of the first to see the movie, you have to shell out twenty-five bucks.
Listen, take some advice from an old man who has been around the block a few times. If you want to impress people with stuff you have or stuff you've done, impress them the old fashioned way...lie. It's easy and it doesn't cost a dime. I have the new x-box. I love it, and you know what, I've already seen Dreamgirls. I had to pay a thousand dollars for a really good seat, but it was worth it.
Impressed? I thought you would be. But, surprise. I made the whole thing up. I did this only for demonstration purposes...just to show you how you can save big bucks, as well as precious time waiting in some stupid line, if you simply lie.
There's one more really stupid thing I wanted to talk about, but I'm a little reluctant to do so. I write this little piece for entertainment purposes only (please, no wagering) and there's nothing entertaining about O.J. Simpson, or in Fox TVs decision to air a two-night interview in which Simpson will explain how he would have killed his wife, but, of course, he didn't. Who could conceive of something so stupid.
Actually this goes way beyond stupid. It's about the most immoral thing I've ever heard. Obviously Simpson has no morals or conscience, for that matter. But I'd think there'd be someone at Fox who makes the big decisions who'd not be so stupid to air this. I guess I'm wrong.
It's painfully obvious that Simpson has no regard for his children's feelings, but isn't there someone somewhere who might have the decency to step in and say we're not going to subject his children to this?
Maybe I shouldn't say this, but if you watch that interview on Fox, you'd have to be pretty stupid.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Death Becomes Me
I really don't believe I'm in my mid-fifties. In fact, if I didn't remember Howdy Doody, I'd swear I was, oh, I don't know, maybe twenty, twenty-five. It's not that I feel so great physically. It's just that my maturity level skews rather low.
Unless, as some suggest, men just never really grow up. What I'm thinking about today is the silly little games I play with myself. I wouldn't even talk about this, but I'm hoping you'll write me and say, "Hey, Steve, you're not as silly, or as stupid as you think you are." That sort of glowing praise would make my day.
Let me tell you what I do, and you tell me if something is seriously wrong upstairs. One of my little games is my gas-pumping game. When I start to pump gas into my luxuriously appointed 1993 Saturn, I predict the total amount on the pump when the auto shut-off kicks in. I also create this little scenario that if I'm within fifty cents I win, but if I'm off by more than fifty cents, I'll get a mild electric shock. However, if I go over my actual bid, then I'll be shot to death. Somehow, knowing that my life is on the line, makes pumping gas just a little more fun. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...why don't I just go down to Church Hill and pump gas. I'm more of a virtual thrill seeker.
Another game I like to play is also automobile related, and equally as violent. When I'm driving home, I predict the time I'll pull into my driveway. If I don't park and turn the ignition off before the clock on the radio goes a minute beyond that, my car will blow up. It really makes those last few minutes of the drive quite interesting. Admittedly, on more than one occasion I've come close to mowing down a pedestrian, but hey, that's the price you (or they) pay for my entertainment.
Last night I did something really fun. I was heading home to Hampton and decided to take the Jamestown Ferry. It was after dark, and being the adventurous sort of guy I am, I got out of the car and stood at the front of the boat. I pretended I was in an Alfred Hitchcock movie, although I couldn't figure out which one. I wanted to pretend that the sea gulls were going to attack me, but I didn't see any. So I pretended that the oncoming Ferry was carrying spies who wanted to kill me. That was enjoyable, although I don't think the guy in the SUV, parked at the front of the line appreciate me hurling my body into his windshield and then rolling over the roof in order to make a quick escape to my car. Some people have absolutely no imagination.
Take my wife (no, I won't say please). She evidently has no imagination. The other night, at dinner, I told her that the clam chowder was so bad, that we should pretend she was poisoning me. You'd think she'd appreciate having such a fun-loving husband. Nope. Somehow that suggestion didn't sit well with her. I guess she's just not the playful sort. In fact, the next morning, I'm fairly certain I saw her put something suspicious in my hot chocolate. When she wasn't looking, I poured it out on the potted plant. When I get back in town tomorrow, I'm interested in seeing how the plant is doing.
I'll tell you about one more game I used to play. I haven't played it in a few years, but it was fun. When I was lying in bed, I'd pretend I was the star of a TV show about a detective who could really do a good job pretending he was dead. I would lie as still as I could without breathing for as long as I could. I would make up a different episode every time I played. For instance, in one episode, the police had laid my body in a hotel room where there was a jewel thief and his moll. I was there to gather evidence, figuring they wouldn't mind revealing secrets about their plans for a heist in front of a dead body. In retrospect, I guess the show didn't make much sense, however I'm sure with some fine tuning there's at least an oyste in there somewhere, if not a pearl.
I've always loved playing like I was dead. When I was in the emergency room because of heart palpitations recently, and was being totally ignored by the staff, I pretended I was dead. I lay on the gurney with my eyes and mouth propped open. I even added drool for effect. No one noticed. Doctors and nurses walked right past. They'd glance at me and smile and keep on going. Finally I unhooked my monitor terminals thinking the flatline might increase their concern. I guess I must have caught them during a coffee break because no one came to check on me. I was a little irritated, but still enjoyed my game.
So, now, the moment of truth. You tell me. Am I normal? Or am I a little twisted? I really don't know. But, I'd appreciate your feedback. If you are going to tell me how strange I am, at least be gentle, because, I think I'm in the early stages of a heart attack. Oh no, my heart is slowing down dramatically and my breathing is becoming shallow. I'll catch you later.
Unless, as some suggest, men just never really grow up. What I'm thinking about today is the silly little games I play with myself. I wouldn't even talk about this, but I'm hoping you'll write me and say, "Hey, Steve, you're not as silly, or as stupid as you think you are." That sort of glowing praise would make my day.
Let me tell you what I do, and you tell me if something is seriously wrong upstairs. One of my little games is my gas-pumping game. When I start to pump gas into my luxuriously appointed 1993 Saturn, I predict the total amount on the pump when the auto shut-off kicks in. I also create this little scenario that if I'm within fifty cents I win, but if I'm off by more than fifty cents, I'll get a mild electric shock. However, if I go over my actual bid, then I'll be shot to death. Somehow, knowing that my life is on the line, makes pumping gas just a little more fun. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...why don't I just go down to Church Hill and pump gas. I'm more of a virtual thrill seeker.
Another game I like to play is also automobile related, and equally as violent. When I'm driving home, I predict the time I'll pull into my driveway. If I don't park and turn the ignition off before the clock on the radio goes a minute beyond that, my car will blow up. It really makes those last few minutes of the drive quite interesting. Admittedly, on more than one occasion I've come close to mowing down a pedestrian, but hey, that's the price you (or they) pay for my entertainment.
Last night I did something really fun. I was heading home to Hampton and decided to take the Jamestown Ferry. It was after dark, and being the adventurous sort of guy I am, I got out of the car and stood at the front of the boat. I pretended I was in an Alfred Hitchcock movie, although I couldn't figure out which one. I wanted to pretend that the sea gulls were going to attack me, but I didn't see any. So I pretended that the oncoming Ferry was carrying spies who wanted to kill me. That was enjoyable, although I don't think the guy in the SUV, parked at the front of the line appreciate me hurling my body into his windshield and then rolling over the roof in order to make a quick escape to my car. Some people have absolutely no imagination.
Take my wife (no, I won't say please). She evidently has no imagination. The other night, at dinner, I told her that the clam chowder was so bad, that we should pretend she was poisoning me. You'd think she'd appreciate having such a fun-loving husband. Nope. Somehow that suggestion didn't sit well with her. I guess she's just not the playful sort. In fact, the next morning, I'm fairly certain I saw her put something suspicious in my hot chocolate. When she wasn't looking, I poured it out on the potted plant. When I get back in town tomorrow, I'm interested in seeing how the plant is doing.
I'll tell you about one more game I used to play. I haven't played it in a few years, but it was fun. When I was lying in bed, I'd pretend I was the star of a TV show about a detective who could really do a good job pretending he was dead. I would lie as still as I could without breathing for as long as I could. I would make up a different episode every time I played. For instance, in one episode, the police had laid my body in a hotel room where there was a jewel thief and his moll. I was there to gather evidence, figuring they wouldn't mind revealing secrets about their plans for a heist in front of a dead body. In retrospect, I guess the show didn't make much sense, however I'm sure with some fine tuning there's at least an oyste in there somewhere, if not a pearl.
I've always loved playing like I was dead. When I was in the emergency room because of heart palpitations recently, and was being totally ignored by the staff, I pretended I was dead. I lay on the gurney with my eyes and mouth propped open. I even added drool for effect. No one noticed. Doctors and nurses walked right past. They'd glance at me and smile and keep on going. Finally I unhooked my monitor terminals thinking the flatline might increase their concern. I guess I must have caught them during a coffee break because no one came to check on me. I was a little irritated, but still enjoyed my game.
So, now, the moment of truth. You tell me. Am I normal? Or am I a little twisted? I really don't know. But, I'd appreciate your feedback. If you are going to tell me how strange I am, at least be gentle, because, I think I'm in the early stages of a heart attack. Oh no, my heart is slowing down dramatically and my breathing is becoming shallow. I'll catch you later.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
When It Comes to Eating Meat, I'm Game. But, Don't Shoot Me
I may be just a tad bit confused, but if I was reading an anonymous comment on yesterday's column, it seems that someone was equating serial killers with hunters. Maybe I misunderstood. That's been known to happen.
Let me say that I've never shot an animal (or a human, for that matter), nor do I think I ever could, unless it was attacking me and I just happened to have a rifle in my hand. Although, I'd probably scream like a woman and run like a coward.
I also do believe that there are some Nimrodish types who truly enjoy killing and hence hide behind that perversion by becoming hunters. That's not to say, however, that hunting is necessarily bad or wrong.
I think it's somewhat ironic that I don't know the meaning of ironic, but if I did, I'd probably use it in discussing the fact that some people rail against hunters while they're eating their fried chicken, or their McDonald's double cheeseburger. Do these folks think that the hamburgers came from cows who died a peaceful, natural death...perhaps in their sleep? Or that the bucket of KFC is made up of suicidal chickens?
Basically, whenever you eat meat, you're eating something that someone has killed. That may be the most asanine statement I've ever made. It's obviously rather obvious. But not so obvious to some anti-hunting types. Again, let me say, I've never been hunting and never would want to go. I'd hate to see Bambi get it right between the eyes, but put Bambi's hindquarter on a bun and I'm there, with the A-1 Sauce.
I have been fishing, although I don't like it, mainly because I think it's inhumane to put worms on a hook...or is that inworm? But, I do love fresh fish. I'll eat 'em as fast as you can catch 'em. It's funny. Some people who hate hunting are fine with fishing. Why? Less blood? Maybe. And it is interesting that Jesus chose fishermen and not hunters to follow him. But, that's not to say that there aren't some blood thirsty fishermen. I think any guy who goes fishing just so he can mount his fish on his wall or have his picture taken holding the biggest badest fish in the pond, is no better than those who hunt because of a love for the kill.
And, if there's some farmer who gets his jollies killing chickens, then he's got a problem too. I think it's pretty clear that many of these subhuman animals are great for eating, unless you belong to PETA. But, when you think about it, the PETA people are the most hypocritical of them all.
Think about it. They want animals to be accorded to same rights as humans. That should mean that animals have the same responsibilities as humans. So, when a bear kills a salmon, shouldn't PETA be out there protesting...maybe even have the bear locked up, or march around wherever bears congregate with gory signs showing half-eaten fish?
To my knowledge, PETA doesn't do that. The only life form they meddle with is humans, and I bet if you added up all the numbers, humans are pretty far down on the list when it comes to sheer numbers of other life forms they have killed.
Think how many poor little worms have been consumed by birds and fish. Those birds and fish should be ashamed of themselves. And, how can some perverted mother bird justify eating her young if she thinks it's been touched by a human?
Or, is that just some old wives tale? I hope not. I always liked telling that story.
When I was a baby, I'm sure some dowdy old woman picked me up because I was just so cute. I'm glad my mother didn't eat me because of that. Really PETA, why don't you go pick on something your own brain-size?
I hope I don't sound uncaring. I'm really a very nice guy. But, I gotta run. I want to kick the dog before I go to work. Have a nice day.
Let me say that I've never shot an animal (or a human, for that matter), nor do I think I ever could, unless it was attacking me and I just happened to have a rifle in my hand. Although, I'd probably scream like a woman and run like a coward.
I also do believe that there are some Nimrodish types who truly enjoy killing and hence hide behind that perversion by becoming hunters. That's not to say, however, that hunting is necessarily bad or wrong.
I think it's somewhat ironic that I don't know the meaning of ironic, but if I did, I'd probably use it in discussing the fact that some people rail against hunters while they're eating their fried chicken, or their McDonald's double cheeseburger. Do these folks think that the hamburgers came from cows who died a peaceful, natural death...perhaps in their sleep? Or that the bucket of KFC is made up of suicidal chickens?
Basically, whenever you eat meat, you're eating something that someone has killed. That may be the most asanine statement I've ever made. It's obviously rather obvious. But not so obvious to some anti-hunting types. Again, let me say, I've never been hunting and never would want to go. I'd hate to see Bambi get it right between the eyes, but put Bambi's hindquarter on a bun and I'm there, with the A-1 Sauce.
I have been fishing, although I don't like it, mainly because I think it's inhumane to put worms on a hook...or is that inworm? But, I do love fresh fish. I'll eat 'em as fast as you can catch 'em. It's funny. Some people who hate hunting are fine with fishing. Why? Less blood? Maybe. And it is interesting that Jesus chose fishermen and not hunters to follow him. But, that's not to say that there aren't some blood thirsty fishermen. I think any guy who goes fishing just so he can mount his fish on his wall or have his picture taken holding the biggest badest fish in the pond, is no better than those who hunt because of a love for the kill.
And, if there's some farmer who gets his jollies killing chickens, then he's got a problem too. I think it's pretty clear that many of these subhuman animals are great for eating, unless you belong to PETA. But, when you think about it, the PETA people are the most hypocritical of them all.
Think about it. They want animals to be accorded to same rights as humans. That should mean that animals have the same responsibilities as humans. So, when a bear kills a salmon, shouldn't PETA be out there protesting...maybe even have the bear locked up, or march around wherever bears congregate with gory signs showing half-eaten fish?
To my knowledge, PETA doesn't do that. The only life form they meddle with is humans, and I bet if you added up all the numbers, humans are pretty far down on the list when it comes to sheer numbers of other life forms they have killed.
Think how many poor little worms have been consumed by birds and fish. Those birds and fish should be ashamed of themselves. And, how can some perverted mother bird justify eating her young if she thinks it's been touched by a human?
Or, is that just some old wives tale? I hope not. I always liked telling that story.
When I was a baby, I'm sure some dowdy old woman picked me up because I was just so cute. I'm glad my mother didn't eat me because of that. Really PETA, why don't you go pick on something your own brain-size?
I hope I don't sound uncaring. I'm really a very nice guy. But, I gotta run. I want to kick the dog before I go to work. Have a nice day.
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