I'm going to dig down deep within my inner psyche or whatever you call that thing inside you. I'm going to do something that's very painful, yes, even difficult for me to do. I'm going to reveal a secret I've kept hidden for lo these many years.
My name is Steve C. and, well, um, you see, I have IBS. Whew! I've said it. I've practiced this in front of the mirror for years, but never actually got to the point of revealing this most hideously hidden aspect of my pathetic little life.
IBS is fascinating. No, really it is. Stick with me here. By the time I get through, you may wish you were an IBS sufferer yourself.
It's an amazing thing really. IBS, that is. I just repeated a pattern that, alas, I'm sure I'm doomed to repeat many more times in my life.
What am I rattling about? I'll tell you. I went to my favorite restaurant tonight. It's a restaurant that has been around for years, but recently has taken a definite gourmet turn. It's a bit pricey, but let me assure you, even with IBS, it's worth every penny.
Perhaps you've been, yourself. Or, at least, you've surely heard of this fine West End dining establishment - it's Golden Corral. I love it. I mean, think about it...a filet and a baked potato for ten bucks. How about 5 filets and 3 baked potatoes for ten bucks.
The only down side is that my meal at Golden Corral is always followed by my rushing home and...well, it is Golden Corral, you do the numbers (one and two).
What I don't understand about IBS is how it can have an immediate impact. How can I eat and run, so to speak? It's somewhat impressive.
Anyway, now that I'm out of the IBS closet, I think I'll start some sort of telethon to raise money for IBS sufferers. Or start some sort of movement to raise funds. If I can raise enough, we IBSers can have our next meeting at Golden Corral, and we'd better have it on a Wednesday - that's Mexican Fiesta Night!
I would appoint myself the poster boy for IBS, but I'm not sure I could sit still long enough to have my picture taken.
Can you reach deep into your heart and give a little something to help fight IBS? At least buy a can of air freshener.
Okay, my wife has just informed me that this column is disgusting. So, before she pulls the plug on the computer, let me push the "publish" button. If you're reading this, you'll know I won.
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6 comments:
Ah, Golden Coral. They've learned the fine craft of bringing out food's natural tastiness. Now where they put the tastiness once they bring it out--I don't know. It's certainly not in the food anymore.
My girls and I renamed Golden Corral. Remember the movie Vegas Vacation with Chevy Chase? My favorite scene was the one where Cousin Eddie took him to the all-you-can-eat for $1.49 place. Eddie chose the "yella" food and told the guy "and don't get cheap on me now." Hilarious! Anyway, with all the choices there, we have renamed Golden Corral "Cousin Eddie's Diner." We love to go there occasionally. They have delicious hushpuppies....yum
Darby
PS - I am no stranger to tummy troubles myself and have to take medication for it. Hang in there, brother!
Someone with IBS has no need to start another movement.
It's really filet of sir-loin and isn't that a type of cannibalism?
I can't imagine why anyone would stop at five filets. I'm more interested in hearing about that!
You should be more concerned with IPS- irritable person syndrome!
be well (done)
music man
Wow, Music Man, you really know how to hit below the belt - I'm referring to IPS, not Sir-Loin, of course.
I wouldn't have stopped at five, but the soft-serve ice cream machine was calling my name so loudly, I had to shut it up before other guests started to notice.
By the way, have you ever seen a thin, or otherwise normal person in Golden Corral?
i have seen many thin people at the Golden Corral, but they are the ones waiting on tables.
We did see a new item on the menu last time we were there. It's called the "Steve Cook". It's a stack of sirloins, served pancake style with maple syrup and butter, brought out to your table by a nurse wearing a stethoscope and a blood pressure cuff!
I personally suffered a serious trauma there last night. I had settled down to my own stack of sirloins and was happily deciding what my next plate would contain. Meanwhile,a mountain of a man sat down behind us and he and his wife began to eat. As the hours whiled by, to my horror, I noticed the mountain man was no longer there. At first, I was afraid we had consumed him in our eating frenzy, but the waiter told us the Mountain man and his wife had left while we were still stuffing our faces.
The point is, he managed to push the table away before WE did!
We either need to go on a serious diet or start entering the Nathan's hot dog contests.
Sir-loin, the loin hearted
and the dowager hag
ps: Tanner poop we can live with. When they come out with the Barbie poor, THAT's where we draw the line!
m man
Well, Barbie's getting a little long in the tooth, if you know what I mean. Perhaps, there'll be a Barbie, Junior who'll appear and change her mother's Depends. Now, that's reality.
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