Friday, February 08, 2008

Help Me Make It Through The Write

A letter poured in the other day from little Jimmy Melmer in Mechanicsville. Jimmy writes:

Steve, you have to be in your mid-thirties by now. And yet, your writing is better than ever. How do you do it?

Just to interrupt for a moment, at this point in the letter I was beaming with pride. But, Jimmy continued…

Are you using any performance enhancing substances?

Now my first reaction was to deny it. But, taking a page from the Roger Clemens playbook, I have decided to come clean. I guess I owe my gratitude to little Jimmy in Mechanicsville. I have been using performance enhancing substances, and, I think I’ll feel much better after I confess it all to you. The way I look at it, it's either you or Congress. And I'll pick you. So, here goes:

First, I’m using coffee. This caffeine thing is absolutely mind boggling. Sometimes I come in to work and I’m mad at the world. Nothing seems right. Then I have a cup of coffee and all of a sudden it’s a new day. The sun is shining, and I’m positively radiant.
You may have wondered what gives me that bright Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm attitude. It’s coffee.
But, I haven’t limited myself to coffee. There are other little “tricks” that I use to enhance my performance. There is one substance, which, interestingly is available over the counter at Walgreens. It’s powerful, so if you choose to use, I’d advise you to proceed with caution. I’ll admit, my years of using this substance have played havoc with my health and well-being, but emotionally and mentally, it has made me the man I am today.
Yes, I feel a little awkward going public with all this, but little Jimmy Melmer, and his child-like innocence, has helped me find, deep within my personal recesses, the strength to admit my substance abuse.
Anyway, I have, for several years, been addicted to a little treat that I discovered several years ago. Harmful? Yes, I suppose. Mind-altering? Definitely! I hope you won’t think less of me when you hear my full confession, but here goes.
I’m hooked on Peeps. I don’t care whether they’re heart-shaped and pink, or little yellow bunny rabbits. Give me a Peep and I’ll ingest it. I had gotten up to three packs a day, but because I was destroying my health, I have slowed down.
I would like to think that often I’ve done my best work while under the influence of Peeps. I know that, like caffeine, when I’m down and out,
When I’m on the street,
When evening falls so hard
Peeps will comfort me.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
Peeps will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
Peeps will lay me down.

You see? Do you see how Peeps inspire me? As I say, I do my best work with a Peep in me.

So, there you have it. Yes, little Jimmy Melmer, you nosy little brat, you got it out of me. Are you happy? Here, let me have a sip of coffee. Good. I hope you’re happy, li’l fellow, because I sure am. Thanks for your kind letter. Now, let me get back to the ol’ typewriter.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey Steve! I have my addictions, too. Like coffee and Peeps work to keep you going, I get the same results from tea and chocolate. And when it comes to tea, the sweeter the better. (I do draw the line at taking a drink and feeling a cavity forming at the same time!) I have tried to kick the sugar habit, but it's very hard to do. So a couple of times a week, I have to stop by Mickey D's and get a large tea. At work I start out the day with at least 2 cups of tea & a little....OK.....a lot of sugar. And when it comes to candy, it's gotta be chocolate; otherwise, why bother? Although the occasional Peep or caramel will do when there is no chocolate around....

Glad to see you're back!

Darby

Anonymous said...

Do they have chocolate peeps? Well, it doesn't matter because I'm on a diet and I can't have carbs. I am being very good because the doctor said there was something wrong with my kidneys, liver and heart. Since I'm running out of healthy organs, I guess I'll stick with celery sticks and lean chicken. Bleah!

Old Short Pump Crone

Steve Cook said...

Dear Old Short Pump Crone,

I don't know if you knew this or not, but my father was a doctor, and besides, I used to watch Marcus Welby faithfully, so I think I'm in a pretty good position to offer some valuable medical advice. However, I'm obligated to say that you should consult with your personal physician before you act upon my expert advice. Anyway, based on what you have stated, my suggestion is that you sleep with a mirror strapped under your nose.

Anonymous said...

Your blog is so boring I guess you had to juice it up a little with a biting and witty (you wish) attack on the local yokels. You sound like someone who has been imprisoned in a cellar reading musty kosher documents sadly in
need of editing and revision.No Mencken, you. But if Gloucester is so scary, you're in luck: the road leads in more than one direction!