Make Big Bucks! Operators Are Standing By!

I realize that my self-centered blog today goes totally against the wholesome, altruistic nature of the Internet. When Al Gore invented it, I feel sure he never intended that the World Wide Web be used for personal gain, but, what the hey, I'm going to do just that. You see, I have a couple of great business ideas. If I can just find investors, my palms could be greased for life. So, listen up all you wealthy people out there who don't know what to do with your filthy lucre. If you stick with me, you'll get rich. Oh, that's right, you're already rich. Well, you'll get richer.
Plan number one - You know how you hear all those Onstar commercials these days? With one person after another calling Onstar to whine about an accident or a flat tire or whatever. Well, have you noticed that all these little whiners are women?Onstar is a woman thing. I have a plan for an onboard GPS-related system for men. Listen up guys, I think you're going to like this. Here's the scenario - You've been driving around, totally lost, for about half an hour. No big deal, right? Because you know you'll find the way. But, here's your wife sitting next to you and now she's starting to complain. "You men are all alike," she says, as if she knows what men are like at all. "You'd rather stay lost all day than ask for directions." Okay, maybe she does know, but anyway, she's starting to become annoying. What do you do?
Hit the Guy-Star button. A man's voice comes online. And, just as a concession, you only hire men who can sound like they are in touch with a woman's feelings. "May I help you?" he asks. So, you say, I'm looking for the best way to...
Before you can finish, your wife pitches in, "The dope is lost. We've been driving around for an hour (women always exaggerate)."
"Never fear," Mr. Guy-Star says. Now here's the genius part. Listen what comes next as the Guy-Star guy continues, "I'm sure your husband has it well under control. He doesn't need me to give him directions. Just settle back, mam. Enjoy the quality time you and your husband are spending together. And not only will he find the way, he'll learn some valuable lessons in self-determination in the process. You know, give a man a fish..."
I can just see the TV commercial. The wife looks over at her husband and smiles. She pats his leg and leans back in the seat. All is well.
Okay, are you in? How much can I count on you to invest?
But, if you're a little late getting in on my first plan, please do not miss out on my second one. This one is especially designed for male baby boomers. You know, when you hit the fifties your body begins to play practical jokes on you. Taking that into consideration, as well as the fact that many fifty plus guys are also raising their grandkids, I've come up with a super-duper business idea - A combination ice cream, nose- and ear-hair removal parlor.
Just think, you can take the grandkids out for their favorite treat and get that ear- and nose-hair, that seems to grow like kudzu vine, removed. I'm calling it "Stevie Cees Ice Cream and Nose-Hair Removal Parlor." I think Ice Cream and Nose- and Ear-Hair Removal Parlor is too long a name. But, once the nose-hair removal technician gets started, they can upsell to the ear-hair removal as well.
I even have a good slogan for the venture. "You pick your flavor. We'll pick your nose."
Okay investors. I'm sitting by the phone. Give me a call and let's talk turkey, or nose-hair, if you will.