The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!

I’m baaaacccckkkk! I apologize for my absence, but I’ve been busy with wedding plans. For those of you who don’t know…Rosie O’Donnell and I are soon to be wed. I know. It’s very exciting. I had actually hoped I could quit work, but in view (get it) of her somewhat surprise announcement this week, it looks like I have to go back to doing what I do best.
So, here I am. And I have a fresh bunch of stuff to gripe about. But, first, I want to talk about something really exciting. The Queen is coming to town. No, I’m not referring to another Elton John concert…the real queen…Elizabeth II, the non-virgin queen is coming to Virginia.
It’s such a big deal that Virginia governor, Eddie Munster, has created a special website, http://queensvisit.governor.virginia.gov/. My only concern is that it looks like something from the Clampetts. In other words, this website smacks of a bunch of hillbillies who all got together to say a special Howdy-do to the queen.
For instance, and you may want to go to the site and see what I’m talking about, but for starters, press the About the Queen button. Here’s what you find: On the throne for 55 years (so far), Queen Elizabeth II has played an important part in the life of Great Britain, the Commonwealth, and on the world stage, including Virginia.”
Huh? Great sentence structure there. And, do you really need “so far” in there? I mean, I’m not expecting a queenometer timer to give me the exact hours, minutes, and seconds the gal’s been on the throne (speaking of thrones, did you notice how fast the state moved to get a new reststop built between Richmond and Williamsburg? Do they really think the Queen is going to need to skip to our loo. I’m willing to bet her limo has a wc built in.) But back to my initial ranting – We kinda know that if you say the queen has been on the throne for 55 years, that you mean “so far.”
Next, click on the etiquette hyperlink. There, under protocal, we are informed by Jethro Bodine, “When the Queen enters a room, everyone stands (with the exception of her late mother when she was alive).”
Now, that really is a stupid line. If you want to state that the Queen Mother doesn’t stand for the queen, just say it. But, again, we can kind of figure out that upon her death, she had little further involvement in her daughter’s affairs. Technically, the wording is really saying that now that she’s dead, the Queen Mom should stand for the Queen. I have a feeling that was not the writer’s intention.
Further down on the page we are told “Bowing is not required of U.S. citizens.” That’s reassuring. I can just picture one of them smiley-face guards poking the barrel of a rifle in my ribs trying to make me bow.
Although, to be honest, I wouldn’t mind bowing to the queen. It’s something I don’t get to do all that often, not since I was in China, in fact, when I spent hours trading bows with everyone I met. Those Chinese really are into bowing.
The website goes on to say that women don’t need to curtsey, but it does give a nice description as to how you curtsey. In all my years of curtseying, I never knew I was supposed to put my right foot behind my left heel. Gee, I’m embarrassed.
There’s another interesting line on the website regarding the Queen. It says, “And if HM The Queen Elizabeth II lives until Dec. 21, 2007, she will become the oldest reigning monarch in the history of both British and the Commonwealth Realms.”
Now don’t get nervous Elizabeth, the writer’s not suggesting anything. Sure you’re past 80, so you might not want to buy any green bananas. Why not just say, “On December 21, 2007, she will become….”? Maybe the site should say, “If the old gal can hang on until December 21….”
I wrote the PR person responsible for the site and asked her if this site was a joke, or just terribly written. For some reason, I didn’t get a reply, although someone from the Queen’s office called to tell me they were out of press credentials and I can’t see the Queen. Here I am, trying to make her feel better, and at the same time getting rejected.
I should be disheartened, but hey, I have my Rosie to keep me warm.

Sticks and Stones Can Break Your Bones, But Words Can Kill You

From reports I’m hearing, it appears that Osama Bin Laden, who has been suspected of being dead, is set to make a reappearance this afternoon. The terrorist leader has called a press conference to present his views on this whole Don Imus deal.
I’m not sure when I’m going to hold my press conference on the issue. I hope the networks can pencil me in between Al Roker’s press conference and Pee Wee Herman’s.
This is just another example as to how a non-story becomes the big issue of the day. It’s also an example of how quick everyone is to become a victim.
Now, don’t’ get me wrong. I think Don Imus was very stupid to have said what he said. However, the man has made a fortune saying stupid, and often shocking things, for several decades now. He’s belittled any number of persons, some more deserving of his tirades than others.
Obviously, the Rutgers women’s basketball team is not made up of a bunch of nappy-headed hos. Is “hos” the plural of “ho”? I don’t think an apostrophe should go there, should it? You can see the issues that puzzle me. But, since these women are, in all likelihood, fine, young ladies, why is there such a big hubbub? Really, how could a thoughtless statement from a washed up old man like Don Imus ruin your moment in the sun?
No one took Don Imus seriously. He might be a jerk, but if the news channels, and even the major networks, filled their schedules with covering every stupid thing that every stupid jerk says or does, there wouldn’t be enough time to cover the really important issues such as the paternity of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.
And, do you fire someone for saying something stupid? If so, then I can think of lots of folks who’ve said far more incendiary things than what Don Imus said. Take the unforgiving Al Sharpton, for example. On many occasions in the past, his comments have done quite a bit of harm, including getting people killed, and yet, I’m betting he’s been rather forgiving of himself for those slip-ups.
I thought it was interesting that, according to a “news” story, a preacher somewhere included in his Easter Sunday sermon, his tirade against Don Imus. The preacher evidently said the man should not be forgiven. Pretty tough words, especially on a day that's supposedly honoring a man who gave his life in order to obtain forgiveness for a lot of people who had done worse than name-calling.
The "Reverend" Jesse Jackson has been quite vocal regarding Don Imus. And yet, it seems he was rather quick to forgive himself for some past indiscretions. Hmmm...Adultery…name-calling. Name calling…adultery. When I weigh them out, I’d think adultery would be a little heavier in the “oops, I’ve sinned” department. But, that’s just me.
Here’s my advice to the Rutgers' ladies…show your grace, your maturity, your dignity. Forgive Don Imus. You’re the ones he offended. You’re the ones who can forgive, or not. If you don’t forgive him, what will you do? Go through life whining about the time someone said something stupid that was offensive? That would certainly be productive. If you really want to make Don Imus feel bad, forgive and forget.
The problem is, when people take a minor indiscretion and blow it up to a national issue, one tends to feel sorry for the offender. Listen ladies…have you ever said anything negative, anything that wasn’t true, anything just plain stupid about someone else? If so, then why not just let this whole thing drop. And, if you have never done that, then you’re perfect, so I’m sure you’ve already forgiven him.
The point is that I’m just sick and tired of hearing about this. I’m sick and tired of everyone who can think of any reason to be offended to be going on TV and wearing that hurt like a shiny badge of which to be proud. It's things like this that give Gary Coleman a chance to make a comeback. If for no other reason than that, this whole thing has to be nipped in the blossoming bud now.
Please just drop the whole mess. I don't really have a pony in this show, but I do want to find out what’s going to happen to Dannielynn.

A Bad Case of Clap For Everything

THERE ARE NO OBSCENITIES IN THIS COLUMN, BUT I DO USE THE ROUGHEST LANGUAGE I HAVE EVER USED.

I’m not a political sort of guy. I know virtually nothing about politics. The difference between Conservatives and Liberals is lost on me, although the best I can figure out from listening to Rush Limbaugh and others, is the Liberals believe in killing unborn babies, and Conservatives would rather wait until they’re born and have ‘em killed via tobacco, or firearms, or even a bit of capital punishment if need be. If there are any other differences, I’m unaware of them.
I say all that to say this…I do think a large segment of society has become Jerry-Springerized into mental oblivion. What do I mean by that? Well, think about it. In the good old days of television, the studio audience would applaud someone famous, or someone who had acted heroically, or someone who did had entertained them. Today, studio audiences applaud everything. And that’s thanks to Jerry Springer and that ilk.
For instance, I’ve seen the foulest talking, filthiest acting, most body-pierced, tattooed, scum of the earth types come on stage and start slapping their girlfriend’s secret lover, who also happens to be their own father, or mother, or brother, or sister, or milkman, and the audience goes wild.
The more trash talking, the more applause. In other words, these idiots in the audience have been conditioned, probably with applause signs, to put their hands together for the trashiest people that the producers of the shows can scrape out of a dumpster and bring on their shows.
I keep thinking that one day Oprah will do an entire show about “Audiences Who Clap at Crap.” Pardon my French.
So now we’ve come to the point that people like Rosie O’Donnell will go on TV and say, “Yep, we Americans are the terrorists and we’re torturing those poor, innocent Islamic captives,” and the audience will applaud wildly. Explain that to me. I get the impression that the audience is saying “Hooray! We stink. We’re horrible people.”
If Rosie’s audience really believes her…if they truly believe that Americans are torturing Islamic prisoners…if they really believe that George Bush orchestrated 9-11 for political purposes, is applause really the correct response?
In my day, you didn’t demonstrate shame or guilt or remorse by applauding wildly. It’d be like a judge pronouncing a death sentence and the prisoner would pump his fist in the air and exclaim, “Alright! I’m doomed!”
Again, this is not a political issue I’m talking about here. It’s simply pure logic. Why should we applaud our badness? What has happened is that the dregs of society have become celebrities via the Jerry Springers of TV land. The message is the badder you are the more famous you are.
Think about what the TV show COPS did for sleeveless t-shirts, or wife-beaters as they’ve come to be called. Because of the misplaced (aka non-existent) values of so many, it became cool to wear a wife-beater. Take that fact one step further and beating women becomes cool. Then turn on Maury or Jerry or whomever, and you’ll see the audiences applauding wife-beaters. You think I’m making this up?
We’ve become so conditioned to glorifying bad that people equate fame with badness. In other words, it makes sense when Rosie says the President of the United States is behind the killings of thousands of Americans because he’s famous, hence he’s bad. Let’s all applaud.
This rule is applied even in the elementary schools, where the good girls, the ones who believe virginity is still something to cherish, are teased and humiliated. Who become the role models when that happens? You don’t need me to tell you.
And so the bad girls grow up to be celebrities. When I was in school being known as a slut would be horrifying. Now, the cable news networks devote special programs to sluts, such as Anna Nicole Smith.
Remember Deborah Jean Palfrey, the Washington “madame” who was threatening to sell her phone records showing which D.C. notables had used her escort service? When whores hold press conferences and the major networks televise them, you know something is wrong. Except for those who’ve been Springerized, this all seems perfectly normal.
I sure am glad TV wasn’t like this fifty years ago. I don’t think I could have handled a Leave It To Beaver episode where June and Lumpy were an item, or, worse yet, Ward was caught in bed with Eddie Haskell.
And, if you think I exaggerate, watch just about any of today’s situation comedies. On second thought, maybe you’d be better served by turning the TV off. That would be something worthy of applause.

Pet Peeves

I haven’t given out any Total Idiot of the Week Awards in quite some time. That’s not because there are no idiots out there. Just the opposite. There are so many they tend to blend together. Unfortunately for me, there hasn’t been any really good, new, unique stupidity lately. That is until Elaine Larable came along. Thank you Elaine. You have restored my faith in mankind.
I guess I should feel sorry for the poor gal. She’s sick. She’s vomiting and foaming at the mouth. How you do that at the same time, I’m not sure, but Elaine evidently has figured it out.
Elaine, a resident of Ottawa (that’s in Canada, for all of you who attend Richmond Public Schools), became ill after eating dog food. Now, when I first heard this story, I immediately began to feel sorry for Elaine. As you know, I have a heart as big as all indoors. I assumed she was some destitute old lady who had been reduced to eating dog food because she couldn’t afford human food, although, have you seen the price of dog food lately?
I wept a tear or two, then I continued to read the story. Elaine was not eating dog food because she couldn’t afford better. She was eating dog food in order to encourage her own doggie to eat it.
I’m picturing Elaine sitting in the kitchen with Fido in the high chair. “Open wide,” she’s telling her pet. “Here comes the chow chow choo-choo.” And, since the little fellow was a bit finicky, Elaine had to show him how tasty the food was. I guess Elaine was thinking that if it works for babies, it’ll work for dogs. After all, what is a dog, but a stinky, shedding, ugly baby.
Yes, you see Elaine’s real sickness is what I have diagnosed as Anthropomoronism. I’ve always been a bit put off by folks who treat their animals as if they are humans. I’ve seen mothers blame their kids for being bitten by the dog. They’ll send the kid to the room and give the dog a little treat to compensate for the trauma that Junior has put the animal though.
I’ve seen individuals who appear to be relatively normal in virtually every respect, but who put sweaters and pants on their pets and parade them through the mall. And, while I’m on the subject, what’s with these malls letting people bring their pets shopping with them. My foot is already a manure magnet. I just hate to have to worry about possibly stepping in something while trying on a $95.00 shirt at Brooks Brothers.
I’ve worked with people who give their dogs and cats Christmas presents, and, who actually get Christmas presents from their animals. Don’t ask me how that is done. I do wonder if dogs ever complain about Christmas becoming too commercial. Do you think the manger story has the same significance to a dog as to a human? I mean wouldn’t the dog be thinking, “Cool, he was born in a really swanky place.”?
I thought I’d seen every sort of pet idiocy imaginable. But Elaine Larable takes the cake, or the can of dog food. Can you imagine a woman so delusional that she really belives that by eating dog food she can be a source of encouragement to her dog? I would think eating dog food would be almost as bad as eating potted meat, or, even worse, Spam.
As is so often the case, my tender side has gotten the best of me. So, Elaine Larable, if you are well enough to be reading this, I truly am sorry, not only that you’re sick, but also for all the nasty things I’ve said about you. If you’re still feeling sick, may I suggest a sure-fire remedy. It’s a little health food item they call wheat gluten.