Back In The Day

On occasion, and mainly because I’m a public spirited sort of guy, I’ll gather the children in the neighborhood together, my wife will fix them some knockwurst sandwiches, and I’ll tell ‘em about the good ol’ days.
They seem to enjoy it. “Kids,” I’ll start, “would you like to hear about the good ol’ days?”
“Yippee!” They’ll exclaim. “Please grandpa,” they’ll say. They like to call me “grandpa” because they know how much it hurts me. I try and pretend it doesn’t. But, often, as my tears well up, they can tell. Nevertheless, I continue to regale them with tales of days gone by.
“Okay, kids,” I’ll say, doing my best to hide the tears. “I can remember a time when we could go down to the local filling station…”
“Filling station?” they ask as if they’ve never heard of it.
“Well, that’s what I call ‘em,” I’ll say, with a twinkle in my eye.
“Yeah, he still says, ‘icebox,’” Jimmy Witherspoon will pipe up. I don’t know why I keep inviting Jimmy. He’s obnoxious. But, hey, that’s the sort of guy I am. All the kids get a good laugh over my calling the refrigerator an icebox.
“Jimmy, you’re not only obnoxious, but you’re also fat,” I’ll laugh. I think my scorn will, one day, make a man out of the little brat.
Anyway, by this time, I will have forgotten what we were talking about. “What were we talking about?” I ask the kids.
“The good ol’ days,” they sing together.
“That’s right,” I say, beaming, because if there’s one thing I know, it’s the good ‘ol days.
“Where were we?” I inquire. I’m not that old, but memory is among my souvenirs, so to speak.
“The filling station, Gramps,” Jimmy says. Sometimes when he walks past me, I’ll “accidentally” knee him in the head.
“Yes we were,” I agree vigorously, and continue. “Well, back in the day…” I say before I’m quickly interrupted.
“What day?” Sally Kimchuck asks. Sally’s a sweet little girl, but, well, she is blonde.
“Huh?” I ask, scrunching up my nose in a way that still makes me look rather cute.
“What day?” Sally repeats. “What day are you talking about?”
“No particular day,” I’ll say.
“Well, what did you mean when you said, ‘back in the day’?”
“He doesn’t know what he means,” Jimmy interjects. “He still calls the refrigerator an ‘icebox.’”
“That wasn’t funny when you told it two minutes ago,” I say, somewhat educatingly. But, interestingly, all the kids still laugh. Why can’t I seem to remember before I call the kids and invite them over, just how obnoxious kids can be?
“Back in the day,” I say, continuing to educate, “simply means in a time gone by, a bygone era, if you will.”
“If we will what,” Sally asks?
“Sally, did your mom drop you on your head when you were a baby?” I’ll ask inquiringly. Now the kids are all laughing. I do so love children.
“’If you will’ is just an expression,” I say. “It means, that, well…It’s kind of like saying, ‘if you…’ well, I don’t exactly know what it means. But regardless…”
“Don’t you mean ‘irregardless’?” Billy Wells asks innocently.
“No, there’s no such word as ‘irregardless,’” I say, thinking this must be how a college professor feels. “Sometimes people use that word…”
“Use what word?” Sally asks.
“Irregardless,” I answer.
“I thought you said there was no such word as ‘irregardless,” Billy says.
“Well, there isn’t really.” I’m getting somewhat frustrated by this point.
“Well, why did you call it a word?” Billy asks.
“He still calls a refrigerator…”
“Shut up or go home, Porky,” I snap
“I’m sorry,” I apologize. Jimmy starts to cry.
Trying to change the subject, I speak up, “Let’s all sit back down and let me tell you about the good ol’ days.”
“Oh boy,” they all kinda say, or something to that effect. Anyway, I go to the ice box and pour them some milk. I get the Oreo cookies out. As the kids start to pull their Oreos apart, licking the creamy center filling in a way that reminds me of the time when I didn’t have diabetes, I start my story again.
“Back in the good ol’ days," I say, "I could go down to the local filling station and the gasoline only cost three dollars a gallon.”
“Wow!” they’ll shout in disbelief. “Really?”
“Really!” I answer them, knowing they’re looking at me admiringly. I think they think it’s cool that they know someone who can remember those good ol’ days. “Why, I could fill my car up and drive a whole week for less than sixty dollars.” I know this impresses them.
“Gee, Grandpa,” they’ll say, “Do you think we’ll ever return to those good ol’ days of yesteryear?”
“I doubt it,” I say. “Life just keeps on changing. Now, take my cell phone,” I say, pulling my cell phone out my pocket.”
“Okay, thanks,” Sally says, grabbing my phone.
“What the hey,” I shriek, grabbing the phone back from her sticky little hands. “Leave my phone alone.”
“But you said take it,” she wails.
“Yeah,” I say, “but I didn’t mean ‘take it.’”
“Well, what did you mean?” she asks.
“I just mean consider it. I mean think about cell phones. Used to be…”
“You mean back in the day,” Sally asks, smiling because she’s learned something new, and, for that, I’m proud.
“Exactly,” I smile. “Back in the day, a cell phone was only good for making phone calls.
“That’s all it would do?” Bobby Barry asks in total shock and disbelief.
“Well, you could also use it as a flashlight,” I say, “but other than that, it didn’t do much else.”
“Wow, you are old,” Bobby says.
“And, you have a big ugly birthmark on your arm,” I remind him. “But, anyway, take this cell phone I have now. Leave my phone alone, Sally,” I yell.
“But…” she starts to explain.
“Shut up,” I remind her.
“My new-fangled phone shows TV programs. It has games. It plays music. It sends text messages. I can check my email and get the sports scores and keep appointments. It’s marvelous. I just wonder one thing,” I say. “Do you think one of you could show me how to make a phone call?”

My Wait Problem

CONTINUED

Okay, so where were we? That’s right. I had spent about an hour of my morning drive into work waiting for someone at Sprint to help me. Little did I know that waiting would be the order of the day.
I bet I have lost several years of my lifetime just waiting...waiting in lines, waiting on the phone, waiting for someone to assist me. For instance, later that same day, I headed over to Best Buy. I needed to find some kind of connector to tie my XM Radio in with my new receiver.
Before I even got there, I encountered a stop light, out on Hull Street near our office. This stoplight works about as well as the customer service reps at Sprint. Or else, I’m just so skinny that my car fails to trip the light. I sat through three changes of the light before I got my left turn arrow.
Finally, I get to Best Buy. Talk about service with a stall. I think the company should change its slogan to “The K-Mart of Home Electronics.” I honestly feel that my body puts off some sort of magnetic interference that not only disables stoplights, but also renders me invisible when I enter a store. I stood around looking like I was anxious to buy something for about 60 minutes. I’d go from sales associate to sales associate. I did my best to give an appearance of part helpless and part very wealthy and ready to spend.
No one even looked at me. I know how Jimmy Stewart felt in that Wonderful Life movie. But just let me try to sneak out carrying a home theater in my arms and bells and whistles will go off all over the place. I’ll get some attention then. As I found out.
Finally, I tired of Best Buy and decided to head over to the Chinese Restaurant for lunch. Usually my waiter, a pleasant, older, Chinese gentleman is overly attentive. He can’t stop filling my water glass. He’ll even follow me out to the parking lot and hose down my car as I drive away.
But, on this particular day…the day of waiting…he was nowhere to be found. I kept waiting for him to bring my bill and he never came. I figured if I shook my waterless water glass, the sounds of clinking ice would summon him. But nope.
I was in a hurry to get back to work. Finally he happened by, totally oblivious to me or my empty glass. “Hey,” I shouted, “stop bowing to everyone in the building and bring me my check.”
He bowed, and went to get my check. I was feeling pretty badly. I hate being rude, and this guy is so nice. Anyway, he brings me my check and my fortune cookie. Although I was in a hurry, I’m never too busy to stoop to open a fortune cookie. I pulled my cookie apart and read my “fortune.”
It really got to me. For there on my cookie fortune, this little, old gentleman had given me, was this sentence: “People are drawn to you because of your charm and courtesy.”
Despite my ill temperedness, I had to smile. I guess I’m not so bad after all.

And You Think You Have Problems

You don’t want to hear about the day I had yesterday. Don’t even get me started. Okay, I’ll tell you.
It was frustration personified. To start it off, let me say that my wife just bought me a new Touch phone. That’s the name. It’s through Sprint. This phone has so many bells and whistles. I just wish I knew how to operate it.
Even more so, I wish either the manufacturer (HTC) knew how to write a manual to explain how to operate it, or that Sprint would hire people that knew anything at all.
I called Sprint. They must hold classes showing their customer service people how to deliver absolutely miserable customer service. No one could be that bad by accident.
The first person I got had a lovely Bangladesh accent. And, I’m sure that if I spoke her language, I would have understood every word she said. I was trying to find out how to make something on the phone work.
Finally she said (in that lovely accent), “You mooost hive eee take-nee-kool proh-blem. I wheel kewnect you.
“Hold on,” I screamed as she went, “Click.” I didn’t have a technical problem, but I guess I’d have to wait and tell the person in the Technical Problem department that. I looked around the house while I waited to see if I had an English to Swahili translation book, just in case.
While I waited, I got to listen to the lovely hold music Sprint uses. I guess the same people who write instruction manuals on delivering horrible customer service, must also produce CDs of one tone hold music. Actually it was about 3 or 4 notes, repeated constantly during my fifteen minute (by my watch), three minute (by their calculation) wait. The music just kept going “Diddle-lee dop,” diddle-lee dop, diddle-lee dop.”
Finally someone who spoke English came on line. Hey, now we’re getting somewhere.
“Can I get the mobile phone number you are having a problem with,” she asked in about the same tone as the music.
“Didn’t the woman I just spoke with give you that?” I asked good-naturedly.
“No sir,” she responded in a way that suggested I was keeping her from her cigarette break.
So, I give her the number.
“May I have the password?” she asked.
“I just gave that to the last person,” I informed her.
“May I have the password?” she asked.
“Don’t you people have enough sense to let each other know when you’ve already qualifed someone?” I asked sincerely.
“No sir,” she answered honestly.
I gave her the password and started to explain that I didn’t have a technical problem, I just wanted some information.
“What is the problem with your phone?” she interrupts to ask.
“May I speak with someone who is not a moron?” I ask.
“Sir, I want to help you.”
“I don’t want you to help me. Let me speak with a manager.” I’m getting ticked.
Finally the manager comes on the phone.
“When my wife bought this Touch phone,” I say, “I should have right then and there slashed my wrists. It would have been quicker and less painful.”
He actually laughed. Hey, I’m thinking, I like this guy. Anyway, he puts me on hold and goes to find his Touch book. He tells me how to solve the problem.
“If this doesn’t work, I’ll call you back,” I tell him.
“You don’t want to have to call us back,” he laughs.
“You’re right,” I say. “I’d rather be pecked to death by geese than call Sprint.”
Anyway I do what he says. It doesn’t work.

TO BE CONTINUED

Global Whining

I’ve been away. Or, didn’t you notice? I decided, several weeks ago, to solve the global warming problem. I’m not exactly sure I believe there is a global warming problem, but since perception is reality, it must be a big one…problem, that is. And, the Steve Cook motto is, “Where there’s a problem, Steve’s got a solution.” Or, something like that. I haven’t really given much thought to my motto.
Anyway, I put my mind to solving the problem. First, I studied the situation. It’s always good to study situations. So, that’s what I did. I did a lot of reading, mainly cereal boxes, but, hey, there’s some good stuff out there, especially on those organic cereal boxes.
I basically came to the conclusion, initially, that in some parts of the world it was cooler this year, and in some areas, it’s been warmer. What I think we are really experiencing today is what I call, “Global Staying Pretty Much the Same.” But, again, since so many people are so scared about global warming, I may as well solve it.
Personally, I say, “Bring it on.” I think it would be great to be able to take a vacation in the tropics and see the sights of Manhattan, all at the same time. I just hope global warming kicks in before I get too old to enjoy that.
But, anyway, I digress. Here’s the solution: Do you remember, back in the seventies, when everyone was whining about global cooling? I do. So, here’s what I did. I read some stuff, including a very well-written piece on Wikipedia, about global cooling. I read what the experts of thirty years ago thought was causing global cooling. And, I decided that the secret to ending global warming, is to do the things we were doing in the seventies to cause global cooling.
Pretty clever, eh? I thought so. For instance, it seems that aerosol cans were blamed on global cooling. So, for starters, if you’re really worried about your carbon footprint, and all that, everyone should go get themselves an aerosol can and spray it everyday. It doesn’t matter what it is. Maybe deodorant, or room freshener would do. And, if manufacturers took out those fleurocarbons, then Congress, or someone like that, should demand they be put back in. I firmly believe that if we all cooperated on this, we could end the threat of global warming almost overnight. I think we should all be encouraged to spray regularly. In fact, I’ve already come up with a great campaign slogan. Are you ready for this? “If you want to end global warming, let us spray.” Huh? Cool or what?
Now, there was something else that the scientific gurus were suggesting thirty years ago that might be causing global cooling. It had something to do with the earth’s tilt getting just slightly off kilter. I am not sure if that was caused by anything, or just one of those things that happens. But, anyway, if the earth tilts too much one way and it gets cooler, then logically if it tilts the other way, it’d get warmer. Even an idiot could figure that one out, as I proved. Now, what I haven’t been able to figure out, is how the earth’s tilting affects the whole earth. I’d think the people on one side would get cooler, while the folks on the other side got warmer, but that’s one of those issues I leave for those far wiser than I to figure out.
But, here is what I did figure out. If we simply set off some bombs or something, it should be an easy thing to cause the earth to tilt the right way. And, since we have plenty of bombs lying around, if we tilt too far one way, we can just set off some bombs on the other side of the earth and adjust it. It might take several detonations to tweak things just right, but obviously it’s an easy fix.
So, there you go. While the various political candidates do nothing but whine and complain, I look for solutions. As Bobby Kennedy said, “Some men look at things and say something or another, I look at things and say something else.” Hey, maybe that should be my motto.