Something's Rotten in Daytona

I've always wanted to be one of those hard-hitting, investigative journalists...you know, one of those embittered, crusty old veteran writers who is always smelling a scandal. And, I would have done that. There was just one thing, which, in my opinion, held me back...talent. I also lacked a nose for news. For instance, for years I wondered what was so bad about plumbers being in the Watergate Hotel. It finally dawned on me a couple of years ago that those guys probably weren't plumbers at all.
Anyway, I think my nose for news is improving, and while my talent isn't, the talent of most reporters these days is so low that I'm not looking nearly as bad as I once did. Hence, I've been sniffing out a good story, or at least trying to find something that might win me a Pulitzer, or some kind of prize.
So, you can imagine my glee, when, just the other day, I heard a story that immediately sent my scandal-radar blipping like crazy. It was a piece done about a race car driver who, all of a sudden has gotten quite popular. The guy is in his forties, but, it seems that in just the past year he's gone from being a nobody to a somebody. Sounds innocent enough, huh? Well maybe to you novices out there who don't have the nose I do.
You won't believe what I'm about to tell you. Here's the freaky part...the driver's name is...are you ready...Philip Morris. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Do you see what's going on here folks? It's time to wake up and smell the cigarettes.
You know how for years the tobacco industry was so closely intertwined with NASCAR, and then, due to government regulations, the Winston Cup mysteriously became the Nextel Cup? Well, do you suppose the big money people at the tobacco companies just decided to give up? Call me Ed Bradley, but I don't think so. I smell a rat, and rat spelled backwards is tar. Something to think about.
So, this Philip Morris just suddenly bursts onto the scene. Me thinks, that if you look at the guy's driver's license, you might find he's really, oh, I don't know, KYLE PETTY! Do you see what the cigarette people are doing? It's really brilliant in a diabolical sort of way. They're changing the names of the drivers. What's next? Maybe Mark Martin disappears, but a driver bearing a strange resemblance comes on the scene, a driver by the name of Winston Tastegood, perhaps.
The scary part is that they (they being the tobacco guys) almost pulled this thing off. If it hadn't been for my newly-developed keen sense of smell, they would have.
You think I'm crazy, don't you? Well, I have confirmation. I called a couple of the big tobacco manufacturing giants and confronted them with my theory. Do you know what they said? They said I was crazy. That answer is just a little to pat if you ask me. People are always telling me I'm crazy. How simple would it be for these tobacco people to parrot that response?
But, I'll not be deterred. I did a little snooping and found an informant....someone who works for one of the cigarette makers. Now, the guy wouldn't tell me his name. We had to meet in a parking lot, behind the Richmond Convention Center at three in the morning, and he was dressed in one of those old Lucky Strike packages that the Lucky Strike dancers used to wear on TV many moons ago, so all I could see were his legs, but they sure looked like the legs of a tobacco informant.
He would only identify himself as Deep Cough. Here is a bit of my interview with him.

ME: So, how can I be sure you really work for a tobacco company?
DC: (DC stands for Deep Cough) Well (MUFFLED RESPONSE HERE - HE WAS SPEAKING THROUGH A GIANT CIGARETTE CARTON WHICH COVERED HIS FACE)...in 1958 I spoke with (I COULDN'T TELL WHO HE SAID) and he told me, 'Deep, (MUFFLED) until we reach our goal.'
ME: So, you're saying that this guy had a goal?
DC: (NODS)
ME: So, how is NASCAR involved?
DC: I knew this (MUFFLED, HE MAY HAVE SAID DRIVER, OR OWNER), who (SOMETHING, SOMETHING, SOMETHING) and people died.
ME: Thank you. You've been quite helpful.
DC: (HE SAID SOMETHING, BUT I'M NOT SURE WHAT)

There you have it. Obviously something is going on. And, I, singlehandedly have uncovered it. I am afraid to say more because I don't know who may do what to me. I read Runaway Jury, so I'm pretty savvy on these matters. But, as a respected investigative journalist, I felt I needed to pass this on to you. My advice...be afraid. Be very afraid.