The Least Angry Man

I feel that I have, somehow, totally created a false impression of myself. And it’s all due to my charming little stories that I gladly share with you from time to time. It appears that some of you have gotten the impression that I have a mean streak in me. Nothing could be further (or is it farther) from the truth.
For instance, my cousin asked my mother recently, “Is Steve always angry?” I hate that. It’s like when someone says, “Are you in a bad mood.”
I reply, “I am now.” I mean, really, why would anyone suggest that I’m disgruntled. Actually, I prefer to think of myself as totally gruntled. But, nothing puts me in a bad mood like someone asking if I'm in a bad mood.
I was at a wedding this weekend. Now, admittedly, in the past, when I attended weddings, I have shared my observations as to the idiocy of some of the people in attendance. I’m not angry about it. Amused is probably more what I am.
But, anyway, I was sitting with some old friends during the reception and one of them says, “Please don’t say anything ugly about me in your column.” I just stared. I thought she was talking to someone else.
This woman, I’ll call her ‘Donna,’ went on to say, “But, if you do say anything nasty, please don’t use my last name, (Tillett).In fact, don't use my first name either. Just call me ‘DT.' Better yet, just call me ‘D.’”
So, in order to accommodate her, I’ll just say that I had no intention of saying anything bad about D, except that she misjudges me. I would never say anything bad about an old, old friend.
I will say I found her daughter quite charming. She (the daughter) told me how much she enjoys my columns. I didn't hang on her every word like some egomaniac, but it seems she said something like, “I laugh uncontrollably.” I don’t know what it is, but when I’m around people who like me (admittedly, that’s not often), I find them so fascinating. When people are raving about me, I could sit and listen all day. When she changed the subject, I politely said, "Don't stop on my account."
I definitely can’t say anything bad about the wedding either. That’s mainly because it was my boss’ son getting married. Actually, it was a lovely wedding, with great food. I enjoy food. This was the first wedding reception I went to that served Chinese food and fortune cookies. My cookie said, “Avoid the egg rolls.” Unfortunately, I didn’t read it until I had actually eaten one. But, everything else was great.
True, the bride and groom were quite young. I won’t say too young, but I sure would like to have had the Clearasil concession at the event. It was the first wedding I’ve been to where, instead of wedding cake, they served ice cream cones with clown faces on the ice cream. This was the first wedding I went to where the bride and groom were registered for gifts at Toys R Us. I hear they are getting a discount on their honeymoon suite because they were on the honor roll last semester.
But the young couple were quite lovely. They seemed very happy. So happy, that they giggled their vows. But, I’m not saying anything negative. I’m certainly not angry. I mean, after all, these fine folks gave me all the food and grape-flavored Kool Aid I could consume. I was enthralled with the entire event.
So there, to all of you naysayers who besides saying, “Nay,” also say I am an angry man. I guess you all are eating those words this morning, eh?