I'd Tell You How I Did It, If I'd Done It, But I Haven't Done It. Really.

I have figured out a great way to make a pile of money, but I don't know how to go about actually doing it. I've been reading about Ron Goldman's family getting the rights to O.J. Simpson's book. Seems they stand to make quite a killing (no pun intended) on this deal. Now, part of me thinks it's pretty horrible to make money from a book that describes how your son was murdered and how the murderer got away with it. But, maybe I'm just too old fashioned.
After all, money is money. Right? I mean O.J.'s money is just as green as anyone else's. Right? I mean, except for the bloodstains, it's just money. Right?
So, I'm thinking that maybe I could write a book about how I killed someone or did something equally horrendous. The only problem is, I'm scared to death of getting in trouble with the police. I've been racking my brain to see if I can come up with something terrible that I've done that people would pay good money to read about. I remember, years ago, I was on a long trip, and I had to go to the bathroom, see, but I just kept driving and driving and couldn't find a rest stop, or even a McDonald's, so finally, I just pulled over and, well, you can kinda figure out what I did.
I guess that's another problem. If I'm too embarrassed to even talk about the time I, well, you know what I did, beside my car (out of view of anyone else, of course), then how could I go into any detail about killing someone. And, of course, there's that small business about actually having to kill someone first, so I could then write about how I did it.
I did go in this restaurant once and no one was in the front of the restaurant. It was just a little mom and pop grill. But, anyway, no one was out front and the cash register drawer was open and I thought to myself, "Hey, I could reach over and grab a dollar and no one would ever know." But, of course, I didn't do that. Although I could have. But, that experience probably wouldn't make a good tell-all either, especially since the only thing I could tell would be what I momentarily thought about doing.
I guess I could take a lesson from O.J. on this thing though. He didn't really say he killed anyone, he just said that if he was going to kill them, this is how he would have done it. And people are buying his book, aren't they? So, I could talk about how I could have reached over and grabbed a dollar and run from the restaurant like a scared rabbit.
Somehow, I just don't think that makes for good reading. Gee, I wish I could think of something to reveal that would really have 'em standing in the aisles to buy my book.
Once, when I was about six years old, my mother told me to drink my milk before I left the breakfast table. She then went upstairs leaving me to cry over unspilt milk. I hated milk, I might add. Anyway, I sat there about five minutes and stared at the glass of milk. Then I noticed the kitchen sink just sitting there. Here was my escape. I quickly picked up the glass and poured the milk down the drain and then rinsed the sink out real good, getting rid of all evidence. I was pretty smart, considering that this was well before they had such shows as CSI on TV.
When I went upstairs, my mother asked me if I had finished my milk. "Yes Mam," I lied. Although, truth be told, I had finished it. Anyway, later that day, in school, I got to thinking about what I'd done. I was going to this little Brethern Church back in those days. They were really big advocates for hell, and I think I thought I might be heading straight there for telling my mother I'd finished my milk. So, as soon as I got home, I confessed my sin. My mother didn't seem all that upset, so I'm not sure the story would make a good book, but I could elaborate a little.
Now that I'm thinking out loud on this, I think I've come up with a better idea. Maybe I could write about something someone else did. Do you have any old skeletons in your closet which you wouldn't mind revealing? I could write about how you did it. That would shift the spotlight off of me, and yet, I'd still get rich. And, being the generous guy I am, I'd even cut you in for a percentage. It would have to be small, though, because I really want to get rich myself on this.
Anyway, if you have some really good juicy story, let me know about it. I'd love to make money off of you. Unless you minded, of course.