Now, That's Sick

After you read what I’m about to say, you’re going to think I’m a real hypochondriac. You would, of course, be wrong, but you’re going to think it. Here goes: I am just recovering from the worst case of flu any human has ever had to endure. Now you’re probably thinking, “Hey Steve, that’s absurd. Millions have died from flu.”
To that, I respond, true, but they weren’t as sick as I was. I really believe that. I ached in places I didn’t even know existed. My toenails hurt. My hair hurt.
I also know what a hot fudge sundae would feel like if a hot fudge sundae could feel. I was burning up and freezing at the same time. I don’t think that sort of thing has ever happened to anyone else before.
I was so sick I thought my internal organs were shutting down. I started to get up and write my will, but hey, let my wife and daughter figure out how to divide up the buck fifty-seven in my savings account.
One thing I got to do while I was recuperating was watch a lot of TV. I saw all sorts of shows, and since I couldn’t sleep at night I had the privilege of watching some of the late night stuff. Let me tell you, as bad as daytime and primetime TV is, overnight is downright horrible.
I saw some sort of Hollywood Insider show. Gee those folks in show business are a boring lot. I kind of get the impression that this Anna Nicole Smith person is just a wee bit self-obsessed. But maybe my ill health affected my disposition. I also saw Farrah Fawcett. Wow! Has she ever aged? When it comes to a time-ravaged face, I’d say Farah is the modern day Lucille Ball.
What’s really horrid are the late night commercials. There sure must be a lot of people interested in telephone dating. I saw one commercial after another for phone dating. Evidently there must be a lot of very beautiful women who are afraid that their looks intimidate men, so they’re forced to sit at home alone, and, if they’re lucky, to date via the phone. I’m just basing that on the commercials.
And besides dating ads, there must be a lot of lonely guys out there who just need friends because they kept running ads showing this guy who talked about how hard it was to hook up with other guys. So, they have a phone number guys can call and talk to other guys. I guess they’re talking about football, hunting, and stuff like that.
There was also a “Mark Foley Date-A-Senator line. I take that back. That was just a joke and I don’t think I should joke about it. Foley has said he’s sorry. He said he’s put that part of his life behind him and has turned to a new page. I think I should believe him. After all, it wasn’t him hitting on boys, it was the alcohol. Oh yeah, and he was a victim of clergy abuse too.
I was a victim of clergy abuse last night. I flipped to a channel that showed a group of people waving green handkerchiefs in the air. There was a guy on stage whooping it up. I thought he must be some sort of raunchy comedian. But, I soon learned (and my apologies to all raunchy comedians), the guy was a TV evangelist. He was hawking this green prayer handkerchief…said it would heal just about anything. Judging from the guy’s looks, I’m thinking maybe he should try wiping his face with it.
Anyway, to wrap this up, I’m feeling much better. And without the help of a green hanky. I know you’re glad to hear that I’m all well now. Except I do have a slight pain in my neck. You don’t suppose that could be meningitis, do you?