I'll See You in the Food Line

I had an experience this past weekend, that had I been told a year or two ago I would have, I would never have believed it. I visited a new business - a new grocery store, in fact. And there is something so unbelieveably extraordinary about this place that I fear you'll think I'm making it up.
Perhaps you've heard of this new chain. I went to one in Hampton. To my knowledge they do not exist in Richmond to date. The name of the store is Bottom Dollar.
Now, what's so strange about that, you're probably thinking. Bottom Dollar sounds like a pretty good name for a grocery store.
Yes it does. On the surface, I would not find anything too unusual about the place. But, as Paul Harvey used to say before he died, "Here's the rest of the story..."
You see, as impossible as it may seem, Bottom Dollar is run by Food Lion. It is, in fact, a step down from Food Lion.
I know, I know. If you're like me, you would never have believed that the folks who bring us Food Lion would ever be able to do themselves one better, or is that worser?
Food Lion is like the bottom of the barrel when it comes to grocery stores. Every time I go in (including last night), I ask myself, "Why, Steve? Why did you come here? Won't you ever learn?"
The truth is, I won't learn. I go to Food Lion, not because it's cheaper, but because it's closer. It's estimated that by the year 2050, there will be a Food Lion store in everyone's own home. They're everywhere, and getting everywherer, especially now that they've come up with this insidious Bottom Dollar concept.
Bottom Dollar, in many respects, is still a Food Lion. They love to play the "Guess where we hid the item you want" game. Who else but the Food Lion folks would think it reasonable that cigarettes and baby formula be in the same cabinet...a cabinet that comes replete with an armed guard, or a grossly overweight female employee, whichever comes cheaper.
Who else but Food Lion would put diapers and cheese spread in the same aisle? And just when you think you've figured out their little tricks, they move things around. I was looking for crackers last night. Now, naturally, since it was Food Lion, I headed for the motor oil aisle. But, lo and behold, they'd moved crackers to the aisle labeled, "Magazines." They're tricky, those Food Lion folks.
I've often said that Food Lion's motto should be, "We're the store you swore you'd never come back to...but, just look at yourself."
Bottom Dollar's motto should be, "Would you rather we just shot you as you are getting out of your car?" I think the philosophy of the powers that be at Food Lion is that rather than fire an incompetent clerk, why not make him a manager at Bottom Dollar.
At Bottom Dollar, they don't just hide the most popular items, they keep them loaded in carts and are constantly moving them around, staying just one step ahead of the shoppers. Bottom Dollar doesn't even offer grocery bags, but their clerks will help you stuff your purchases down your pants and under your arms. They'll even hold the broken automatic door open for you as to stumble out to the parking lot.
I really would like to have been in on the corporate meeting when some big Food Lion executive proposed that they come up with a new brand...a new store where they could lower the quality of the service. That would be kinda like a staff meeting at the Jerry Springer Show, where someone says, "Let's see if we can appeal to a dumber audience."
Jerry Springer has discovered that this is possible, and now the Food Lion family has proven they can also lower the quality. I shopped Bottom Dollar on Saturday. I know that of which I speak. Actually I didn't really shop there. I loaded my cart, and headed to the checkout counters. There were about fifty people lined up in the only lane that was opened. Of course, this was about noon on Saturday, so I guess they figured not many people shop at that time.
I did the only sensible thing I could think to do. I left my cart, ice cream and all, sitting in the aisle and headed for the hills. I think if more people would do that, it might send Food Lion a message. I might say, "Hey, we're not going to stand for this."
I for one am never going back to a Food Lion or a Bottom Dollar...not until I need to run out for some ice cream, that is.

A Devil of a Holiday

I wore white pants to work today. But, before you panic, let me say, "Don't!" I'm fine. You see, I don't celebrate Labor Day, so I can wear white pants throughout the year. Speaking (now, catch this segue) of holidays I don't observe, as well as dressing horribly, it's time for the most obnoxious, the most disgusting, the most revolting of all holidays...Halloween.
Aw, it's just a fun time for the kids to dress up. When I hear someone say that, I politely reply, "Shut up, you idiot." Halloween is nothing more than a demonic ritual that teaches kids to blackmail their neighbors.
But, before I get too deep, here are the things I really hate about Halloween:

3) Fat women dressed like prostitutes. You know those skimpy little Playboy Magazine approved costumes that you get from such stores as Sluts R Us? Why is it that the larger gals seem to be drawn to such? I guess they think since everyone else is going to look hideous on Halloween, they may as well also. But when you see these larger than should be legal ladies stuffed into these little tramp outfits, it makes one's eyes want to vomit.

Now, Steve, you may be thinking, where do you see these lucious ladies? That brings me to the #2 thing I hate about Halloween.

2) Businesses that encourage employees to dress up for Halloween. One year, I had my teeth cleaned by a witch. I've deposited my hard earned paycheck with a rabbit, and I've sat across from a 250 pound co-worker (a black guy) dressed like Marilyn Monroe. I hate it. If you want to put on your goofy little outfits and run around your own neighborhood looking like complete fools, I guess you can go ahead, but don't come to work looking like a moron. Grow up people. I believe in fun in the workplace, but I don't believe in responsible adults (which you should be at work) wearing costumes in the workplace. Nothing gets done on Halloween, and when you consider that come Thanksgiving, no work will take place in most offices, until January 2nd, we can't afford to lose another day.

But there's one more thing I hate even more than clowns performing surgery. I mean surgeons dressed like clowns.

1) And that's the discount on candy on November 1st. Hey, I'm on a diet. My life is at stake. Who in their right mind, would put M&M's at 50% discount, or miniature Milky Ways half off? It's not fair. I'm only human. Cut me, I bleed...a lot. I figure with my willpower that by noon the day after Halloween, my blood sugar will be spiking at about 300. I just hope that when they cart me into the emergency room, I'm not tended to by a 400 pound nurse in a fishnet miniskirt and an arrow through her head. If you see that coming, just go ahead and shoot me.