Armed and Dangerous

I read a rather disturbing news story this morning…disgusting is perhaps an even better way to describe it. It seems this performance artist (sometimes pronounced “idiot”) had an ear…that’s right, a human ear…implanted on his arm. Click on the title of this blog (above) and you can see the ear arm (or is it arm ear) for yourself.
Now, nothing that performance artists do really surprises me. It’s like that Richmond (ex-) schoolteacher who paints with his buttocks. Okay, great. So you can do it. What does that prove. The biggest problem I’d think in painting with your buttocks is that you’re always getting a little behind in your work.
But, anyway, this “artist” was actually able to locate a surgeon who was willing to do the implant. Isn’t there some sort of hypocritical oath that doctors take that might keep them from doing that, but what do I know? I don’t even know where he got the ear. Is there someone walking around missing an ear? Or in some Frankenstein’s monster sort of way, is this a cadaver ear? Or, did this brilliant, yet mad scientist, I mean surgeon, kind of just doodle around with the guy’s skin and create his own ear. If it’s the latter (or would that be the latest?), the guy is pretty talented. I’m talking about the surgeon. It doesn’t take much talent to have an ear stuck on your arm.
While this whole idea was initially nauseating, and while I’m still disturbed at this being done for the sake of art, the more I reflect upon this, the better the idea really seems, especially if this ear on the arm is in good working condition. I mean this from the standpoint of someone who is hard of hearing.
I think it’s a family thing. My grandmother was hard of hearing, although she pretended not to be. My mother is hard of hearing, and she doesn’t pretend. She just keeps yelling, “Huh?”
And, I’m noticing that I don’t hear all that well these days. How cool would it be if when I couldn’t understand what someone was saying, I could just stick my arm up to his or her mouth. It’s hard to stick your head up next to someone else’s head. For one thing, a good many people, myself included, spit when they speak. I like to keep my distance when I’m engaged in a conversation. Or, keep a towel handy, at least. Also, there’s that not-so-little problem I like to call “Bad Breath.”
I sometimes gag when I’m standing too close to sufferers of B.B. It’s not that I want to. In fact, sometimes it can be downright embarrassing to gag in someone’s face. But, suppose I could subtly thrust my arm out and stick it right up to a person’s mouth and hear every word they said. I have a feeling that I could pull that off so cleverly that they might not even pay any attention to my arm thrust up under their chin.
You know, the more I think about this, the more my genius machine kicks into high gear. Why stop with an ear? How great would it be to have a nose on your arm? That way, let’s say you were going into the men’s room, you could just stick your arm in the door to make sure it was safe, if you get my drift (drift being the operative word). Or let’s say I wanted a better whiff of someone’s perfume. I wouldn’t have to sniff ‘em, at least not in the traditional way. I could just put my arm up to them. And, of course, an arm nose would be perfect if you’re trying to make sure your deodorant is still working. Rubbing one’s finger under one’s armpit and then sniffing self-same finger just looks so gauche. But, if I had a nose, about at my wrist, it would be a breeze to make a B.O. excursion.
And, best of all, how about a tongue on your arm. Think about that. Have you ever been sitting in a restaurant and seen the waitress (or waiter, for those who say I’m sexist) serve someone at the next table? Have you ever thought, “Gee, I’d love to just taste that.”? But, how do you do so? Not easily, I assure you. However, if you could just reach over and let your backhand graze ever so slightly over the delicacy on their plate, quickly allowing an implanted tongue to lick the dish, you could taste away and no one would be the wiser.
I may not be a performance artist, but I do have some great ideas. For instance, how about another hand attached to your arm. That way you could simultaneously hold a drink and eat from your plate at those fancy stand-up cocktail parties. And then there’s…