The Money of Love is the Root of All Evil

I have a rather painful confession to make. I hope that after I tell you what I have to tell you, you won't think any less of me. Please, I beg you, don't hate me because I'm beautiful. That's not the confession, but I'm sure it has something to do with it. Gulp. Here goes. My name is Steve C. and, I, well, er, well, I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby.
Whew! That wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Actually, I should say that I MIGHT be the father. Forensics have narrowed it down, or so I'm told, to me, Howard K. Stern, Bill Clinton, Tom Cruse, Stephen Hawking, Richard Simmons, Bill Clinton (a second time), Hugh Hefner, or Melissa Ethridge. So, I'm in a rather elite group, don't you think?
Actually, of greater concern than who is the father of such a blessed child, is who done Anna Nicole Smith in? Accidental? I think not. Overdose? Hardly. The woman was a saint. She wouldn't come anywhere near an illegal or even a controlled substance, unless you consider a Playtex Straight Jacket Bra a controlled substance.
Here's my question. Has anyone thought to ask Nancy Grace where she was the night Smith died? Now, I'm not suggesting anything, I'm just saying. Obviously, Grace had probably more to gain than anyone else with Smith's death. For one thing, she gets an all-expense paid trip to the Bahamas. I mean she milked that Natalee Holloway deal for all she could get out of it. Her Aruba connections have dried up, and so have her ratings, which have steadily gone downhill ever since she killed (allegedly, I have to say that), that woman in Florida.
If every time somebody died, I got a free trip to somewhere neat, I think people would begin suspecting me. Why, I'd even be suspecting myself. So, I don't think it's too great a stretch to include Nancy Grace in as a person of interest in this thing. Someone else who I wouldn't put it past, and forgive me for saying this, is Anna Nicole Smith's mother. I've seen wackos and I've seen wackos, but this woman takes the cake. Or, at least she would have taken the cake if Smith hadn't devoured the entire thing in one sitting.
I think one thing we can be pretty sure of is that Anna Nicole Smith didn't die of anorexia. Perhaps she exploded. But, personally, I think there was foul play. I'm pretty sure she wasn't step-mother of the year, so those kids should probably be high on that interest list as well.
It's hard to believe that Anna Nicole was only 39. It seems I've been reading about her for the past 30 years or so. I think that any parent who has a daughter who starts to dress, act, or talk like a tramp, should immediately go out and rent the Anna Nicole Story on DVD and force their child to watch it. What a life!
Just in case one were thinking that money might be a key to happiness, this woman's story should throw a towel on that idea. All seriousness aside, what good does money do when you're dead...except for maybe getting you a good funeral? This whole sordid affair has made me renounce the evils of filthy lucre. I don't need it. I don't want it. I want to devote my life to helping the underprivileged. My first act is to take responsibility for little Dannielynn Smith...poor thing. I'll raise her. I'll teach her to walk the straight and narrow. Just one question, does anyone know how much she stands to inherit?