Pet Peeves

I haven’t given out any Total Idiot of the Week Awards in quite some time. That’s not because there are no idiots out there. Just the opposite. There are so many they tend to blend together. Unfortunately for me, there hasn’t been any really good, new, unique stupidity lately. That is until Elaine Larable came along. Thank you Elaine. You have restored my faith in mankind.
I guess I should feel sorry for the poor gal. She’s sick. She’s vomiting and foaming at the mouth. How you do that at the same time, I’m not sure, but Elaine evidently has figured it out.
Elaine, a resident of Ottawa (that’s in Canada, for all of you who attend Richmond Public Schools), became ill after eating dog food. Now, when I first heard this story, I immediately began to feel sorry for Elaine. As you know, I have a heart as big as all indoors. I assumed she was some destitute old lady who had been reduced to eating dog food because she couldn’t afford human food, although, have you seen the price of dog food lately?
I wept a tear or two, then I continued to read the story. Elaine was not eating dog food because she couldn’t afford better. She was eating dog food in order to encourage her own doggie to eat it.
I’m picturing Elaine sitting in the kitchen with Fido in the high chair. “Open wide,” she’s telling her pet. “Here comes the chow chow choo-choo.” And, since the little fellow was a bit finicky, Elaine had to show him how tasty the food was. I guess Elaine was thinking that if it works for babies, it’ll work for dogs. After all, what is a dog, but a stinky, shedding, ugly baby.
Yes, you see Elaine’s real sickness is what I have diagnosed as Anthropomoronism. I’ve always been a bit put off by folks who treat their animals as if they are humans. I’ve seen mothers blame their kids for being bitten by the dog. They’ll send the kid to the room and give the dog a little treat to compensate for the trauma that Junior has put the animal though.
I’ve seen individuals who appear to be relatively normal in virtually every respect, but who put sweaters and pants on their pets and parade them through the mall. And, while I’m on the subject, what’s with these malls letting people bring their pets shopping with them. My foot is already a manure magnet. I just hate to have to worry about possibly stepping in something while trying on a $95.00 shirt at Brooks Brothers.
I’ve worked with people who give their dogs and cats Christmas presents, and, who actually get Christmas presents from their animals. Don’t ask me how that is done. I do wonder if dogs ever complain about Christmas becoming too commercial. Do you think the manger story has the same significance to a dog as to a human? I mean wouldn’t the dog be thinking, “Cool, he was born in a really swanky place.”?
I thought I’d seen every sort of pet idiocy imaginable. But Elaine Larable takes the cake, or the can of dog food. Can you imagine a woman so delusional that she really belives that by eating dog food she can be a source of encouragement to her dog? I would think eating dog food would be almost as bad as eating potted meat, or, even worse, Spam.
As is so often the case, my tender side has gotten the best of me. So, Elaine Larable, if you are well enough to be reading this, I truly am sorry, not only that you’re sick, but also for all the nasty things I’ve said about you. If you’re still feeling sick, may I suggest a sure-fire remedy. It’s a little health food item they call wheat gluten.