The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!

I’m baaaacccckkkk! I apologize for my absence, but I’ve been busy with wedding plans. For those of you who don’t know…Rosie O’Donnell and I are soon to be wed. I know. It’s very exciting. I had actually hoped I could quit work, but in view (get it) of her somewhat surprise announcement this week, it looks like I have to go back to doing what I do best.
So, here I am. And I have a fresh bunch of stuff to gripe about. But, first, I want to talk about something really exciting. The Queen is coming to town. No, I’m not referring to another Elton John concert…the real queen…Elizabeth II, the non-virgin queen is coming to Virginia.
It’s such a big deal that Virginia governor, Eddie Munster, has created a special website, http://queensvisit.governor.virginia.gov/. My only concern is that it looks like something from the Clampetts. In other words, this website smacks of a bunch of hillbillies who all got together to say a special Howdy-do to the queen.
For instance, and you may want to go to the site and see what I’m talking about, but for starters, press the About the Queen button. Here’s what you find: On the throne for 55 years (so far), Queen Elizabeth II has played an important part in the life of Great Britain, the Commonwealth, and on the world stage, including Virginia.”
Huh? Great sentence structure there. And, do you really need “so far” in there? I mean, I’m not expecting a queenometer timer to give me the exact hours, minutes, and seconds the gal’s been on the throne (speaking of thrones, did you notice how fast the state moved to get a new reststop built between Richmond and Williamsburg? Do they really think the Queen is going to need to skip to our loo. I’m willing to bet her limo has a wc built in.) But back to my initial ranting – We kinda know that if you say the queen has been on the throne for 55 years, that you mean “so far.”
Next, click on the etiquette hyperlink. There, under protocal, we are informed by Jethro Bodine, “When the Queen enters a room, everyone stands (with the exception of her late mother when she was alive).”
Now, that really is a stupid line. If you want to state that the Queen Mother doesn’t stand for the queen, just say it. But, again, we can kind of figure out that upon her death, she had little further involvement in her daughter’s affairs. Technically, the wording is really saying that now that she’s dead, the Queen Mom should stand for the Queen. I have a feeling that was not the writer’s intention.
Further down on the page we are told “Bowing is not required of U.S. citizens.” That’s reassuring. I can just picture one of them smiley-face guards poking the barrel of a rifle in my ribs trying to make me bow.
Although, to be honest, I wouldn’t mind bowing to the queen. It’s something I don’t get to do all that often, not since I was in China, in fact, when I spent hours trading bows with everyone I met. Those Chinese really are into bowing.
The website goes on to say that women don’t need to curtsey, but it does give a nice description as to how you curtsey. In all my years of curtseying, I never knew I was supposed to put my right foot behind my left heel. Gee, I’m embarrassed.
There’s another interesting line on the website regarding the Queen. It says, “And if HM The Queen Elizabeth II lives until Dec. 21, 2007, she will become the oldest reigning monarch in the history of both British and the Commonwealth Realms.”
Now don’t get nervous Elizabeth, the writer’s not suggesting anything. Sure you’re past 80, so you might not want to buy any green bananas. Why not just say, “On December 21, 2007, she will become….”? Maybe the site should say, “If the old gal can hang on until December 21….”
I wrote the PR person responsible for the site and asked her if this site was a joke, or just terribly written. For some reason, I didn’t get a reply, although someone from the Queen’s office called to tell me they were out of press credentials and I can’t see the Queen. Here I am, trying to make her feel better, and at the same time getting rejected.
I should be disheartened, but hey, I have my Rosie to keep me warm.