This Bun's For You

Back in the day, my BCA era – that is “before clogged arteries,” I was popping McDonald’s hamburgers the way I pop those St. Joseph’s tasty orange aspirin today. St. Joseph (the company, not the guy) used to call them baby aspirin. Now, they ought to call them baby boomer aspirin. They’ve repackaged the product for those of us at risk for a heart attack.
I tell you what I think would be a good idea for a commercial for St. Joseph’s. The commercial starts with a fifties era home movie quality scene of a mother giving her baby a St. Joseph’s aspirin, then the scene morphs to where the baby is the grown daughter and the mother is an old woman. The daughter is giving her mother a St. Joseph’s aspirin. The announcer says: “St. Joseph’s Aspirin. We brought you in and we’re gonna take you out.”
But, as I’m wont to do, I’ve gotten way off subject here. What I was writing about was my old eating habits. I’m in the (pathetic) shape I’m in today because I popped those McDonald’s burgers like they were pills. Of course, if you’re from around these parts, perhaps you remember, before McDonald’s, it was the Kelly’s hamburger. The company eventually went under, but it wasn’t for any lack of effort on my part to keep them solvent.
Back in the good ol’ days, I ate anything I wanted. Sure, I gained weight. My mother bought my clothes from the Husky department at Thalhimers. But, I kept on eating. I loved all the foods that were bad for me. I was probably the only five-year-old who asked Santa for a deep-fryer for Christmas. When I was in high school, I used to sneak around to the back of the building and smoke a ham. I wasn’t a Toys R Us kid, I was a Tater Tot tot.
I know those days are gone for me…it’s garden burgers and turkey bacon these days, but somehow, it did my rather corroded heart good to hear the new Burger King commercial. Just when you think this healthy eating addiction is going to take over, Burger King comes along with the Triple-Whopper. You go Burger King!
I think that’s great. Burger King is the King. He’s not going to be intimidated by all of those heart association P.S.A.’s that are constantly trying to scare us into submission. In fact, I bet my heart would be in better shape today if there were no doctors to tell me how bad I felt. So what if you get winded climbing the steps. Who need steps? The kitchen’s downstairs anyway.
I tell you who is really going to go for this triple whopper thing, it’s the majority of those who go to the Chesterfield County Fair. They’ll use the bigger burgers to neutralize their palettes between the fried Oreo and the fried Twinkie. I sometimes will go to the fair and just stand by the booth to suck up the aromas. How I envy those 350 pound gals, all decked out in the pink spandex with the matching hair curlers, who belly up to the Fried Twinkie booth. That could have been me a few years ago…I mean except for the spandex and curlers.
Anyway, I really don’t have a point to make today. I was just listening to the Burger King commercial and started to wax nostalgic. I know I probably shouldn’t, but, heck, I might just have to get my lips around one of them triple whoppers today, you know, just for old times’ sake.