Things That Go Bump In My Brain In The Night

I think I may be going through some later-than-mid-life crisis. Or else, I'm just plain losing my mind. I'm supposed to be finishing up the fall issues of our two magazines, West End's Best and Chesterfield Living, and I can't get my mind on my writing. I think my head is just too filled up with worries about what some may feel are very minor issues. Nonetheless, in order to clear my mind, I'm going to come right out and tell you all the things I'm obsessing about these days.
For starters, the space bar on my keyboard is not working properly. I have to pound it. My thumb hurts. But, that's relatively trivial.
On to the big stuff...I stayed awake all night last night trying to come up with an Australian term for vomit. Why? Well, I had a late dinner with several friends at Outback Steak House. The food was actually quite good, but the waitress, who was also very good, kept bringing loaves of the bread, which was, itself, good. It was the way she would bring it...a brown loaf stuck on a skewer. I kept thinking she had caught a big Australian rat and was showing it off. Anyway, the subject came up as to whether there is an Australian term for vomit. I think down-underchuck might be good. But, boomerbits is a close second.
Something else that really bugs me is that I'm forced to use "he/she" when I'm talking about individuals who could be of either or both genders. I have an old boss of mine, Kim Stanley, to thank for that. She explained to me that if I'm speaking singularly, I can't use the word "they." Perhaps an illustration is in order. This would be incorrect: "If someone comes in the front door, they must remove their shoes." This would be correct: "If someone comes in the door, he or she must remove his or her shoes." Really, wouldn't "they" and "their" be much easier? I'll answer that...YES. But, thanks to Kim Stanley, I can't do that.
So, in an effort to clear my head, I'm instituting a new rule for myself. From now on I'll use the appropriate masculine word, and you can fill in the "or feminine" words in your mind. Of course, if I write, "If someone has this sympton, he might have prostate problems," you won't have to add the "or she" in your mind.
Moving on to a totally unrelated matter. Why do some people feel the need to take their fingers and make the quotation sign when they speak? Usually, they're (I'm talking about several people here) trying to make some sort of double entendre, or a pun, so I'm guessing they think we're too dumb to catch on.
And, why do persons who are chairing meetings or seminars call their opening comments and general announcements, "housekeeping"? For some reason it grates on my nerves when a seminar is about to begin (of course, I hate seminars anyway), and the chairperson gets up and says, "First, we have to take care of some housekeeping." Why not just say "Here are some announcements."? Do they think that we attendees are going to pay more attention because it's housekeeping?
And that brings up another gripe. In an effort to be gender-neutral, we now use the term "chairperson." Actually, the word "person" has come to mean "woman." Because if it's a guy, we say, "chaiman." But, if it's a girl, we say, "chairperson." Why not just say "woman." It's a nice word.
These are the sorts of things that have been going through my head lately. You may not feel they're major issues. Perhaps, you're right. But, they are affecting me.
I was driving in to work this morning worrying about these things, when I get behind a big tanker truck...you know, like they haul fuel in. On the back of the tanker, in big lettering, was written, "INEDIBLE."
Why? Did these tanker people think someone's going to get a spoon, and break into the tank, and just start eating whatever he found in there?
As I got closer, I read, in smaller lettering, "Technical Animal Fat." What's that? Well, if you want to get technical, it's animal fat. Even if it were non-technical animal fat, why would anyone want to eat it straight out of a tanker? I mean think about. There's always a McDonald's just down the road.
So, now I have this tanker thing to worry about. I don't think this column has helped me at all. In fact, now I'm thinking of even more things that don't make sense. But, I'll save those for another day, when I have nothing worthwhile to say.