Play Ball With Doug

I have a question weighing heavily on my mind this morning. As much as I enjoy having the Richmond Braves in Richmond, I'd like to know just who this Braves organization think they are making demands on Mayor Governor Wilder? Here's my open letter to Mike Plant, Bruce Baldwin, and the rest of those baseball upstarts:
Listen guys, if the Mayor says you'll be satisfied with a ballpark in the slums, then you'd better believe him. Perhaps you Atlanta fellers don't realize that we're not just talking any old Tim Kaine version of mayor. This is Mayor Governor Wilder. He says play on top of an abandoned gas tank. And, he means it.
The Richmond Times Dispatch has gone to the trouble of publishing an artist's rendering of a new ballpark. What more could you guys possibly want or need in order to give your approval? But, noooooooo. You big city folks want more.
When I was a kid (stay with me, there's a point here), and all the neighborhood kids played ball in my yard, I ruled the roost. If the other kids didn't do what I wanted, I'd lie down on home plate. That'd put a crimp in their game.
And, you know what? It was my yard. I had every right to make the rules. If the other kids wanted to go play elsewhere, they could. They did, actually. But, my yard was my castle, so to speak. And, if I wanted to lie on home plate all day long while the other kids played down the street, it was my right. I reckon I taught them a thing or two about power.
I'd like to think Mayor Governor Wilder and I are very much alike. He realizes that it's his yard, so you Atlanta guys better play by his rules. And, if you think you can threaten us with the idea that you can go find another yard, then just go right ahead. You think you're the only team that wants to play ball here?
Think again, bigshots. Mayor Governor Wilder says there are plenty of teams, just knocking on the door, begging to play ball with him. Just because the Mayor won't say who they are doesn't mean anything. After all, we're talking Doug Wilder. And, who does this Randy Mobley think he is? You put the title "president" in front of someone's name, and immediately he starts acting like he has some sort of authority. Mobley, the President (big deal) of the International League, implies that no other teams had better be talking to the Mayor. He says it's against minor league baseball rules.
Rules, schmules, we're talking Doug Wilder here. He don't need no stinking rules.
I, for one, am proud to be living in a city as progressive and as enlightened as Richmond...a city that realizes that an abandon excavated pit on Broad Street is just as good as a performing arts center. Richmond is the sort of city that doesn't mind building a glass-enclosed pedestrian bridge over Broad Street and then tearing it down. Mayor Governor Wilder, here's to you. Hip Hip Hooray! I say keep lying on home plate. We'll show those Richmond Braves a thing or two.