Life's A Gas, And Then You Belch

My blog today was going to blast the laxative industry for producing totally non-effective products. But, all I can say about that is, “never mind,” and “yes, I do feel much better.” What I will talk about is how quickly one goes from being a virile, healthy, young man to a doddering old idiot standing in Walgreen’s carefully perusing the labels on the various antacids, stool softeners, and laxatives, as if it were the most important concern in life, which, at the moment it may be.
As I’m standing there, it hits me…what a pathetic creature I’ve become. Not too many years ago, I’d have been ridiculing the 2006 version of me. But, I’ve been chastened. Laxatives were once merely a topic for humor. Now, they’re serious business.
One thing I have learned is that there are a great many products on the market for digestive issues. I’m sure the Boomer generation has really messed its plumbing systems up with years of junk and fast food consumption. I’m calling it the Golden Arches Syndrome.
McDonald’s (and then its many imitators and emulators) came along, at least here in Richmond, when I was in my late teens. And, like a shrewd drug pusher, they started off simply enough. I was content with a hamburger and an order of fries. The cost was less than a dollar, and that included a Coke.
But, then McDonald’s started supersizing. Why settle for the miniscule hamburger when I could have the Big Mac, and since you wanted to have a balanced meal, that is, a meal where you finished the burger and the fries at about the same time, you needed the large McDrum of Fries. Before I knew it I was consuming massive quantities of lard on a regular basis.
I did that for years. I didn’t know what was going on inside. I thought plaque, at its worst, was just something that I had to scrape off my teeth. Two angioplasties and several stents later, I realize that there’s a big McPrice to pay for my indulgences.
And that price has me popping antacids like I used to pop M&Ms. One thing I will say, is that, perhaps because of the Boomers who were raised on orange-flavored aspirin and cherry-flavored cough syrup, the antacid and laxative makers are coming up with some nice flavors
For a diabetic, the idea of vanilla Rolaids and chocolate laxatives is delightful. And, I must say, Rolaids’ new chewy vanilla-flavored medicine is delicious. It almost has a cake-batter tastiness. However, the chocolate laxative tastes eerily like the very thing it’s trying to generate.
But, as is so often the case, I digress. I think I’m trying to have a little moral to my column today. And that is, if you haven’t already destroyed most of your body’s organs with junk, don’t do it.
But if you have already done the damage, and you lie awake at night listening to the acid gushing through your system, then, why not do, as I’m about to do right now, and enjoy a tasty Rolaids chewy. Even at this point in life, there are still some small, simple pleasures.