I hope this won't disappoint too many of you out there, but it looks like my columnist days are soon to be a thing of the past. I cut a demo tape today to do the news for Channel 6. They don't know about it yet, but once they get the tape, it's bye bye Smallville, hello Metropolis.
I did ask one of my nearest and dearest friends, morning anchor guy, Greg McQuake, to sit in, and critique me as I went along. And, just because I knew you all would be interested, I sat down and transcribed the tape for your reading pleasure. Without further ado, here is STEVE COOK AND THE DAILY NEWS:
STEVE: Good morning. Hey everybody. I'm going to read you the news for today. Here goes. It looks like it's going to be another hot one today, with the weatherman calling for temperatures in the low nineties.
GREG: Whoa! Hold on there, Steve. You don't give the viewers too much information all at once. If you did, they'd be out of here in a flash.
STEVE: All I did was say the temperature would be in the low...
GREG: Shhh. Keep that info under wraps for now, little Buddy. What you should say is, "It's going to be a scorcher today. How hot will it get? Stick around and we'll tell you. But, keep in mind, it's going to be horrible." Do you see how much better that sounds?
STEVE: Kinda. But, anyway, let me continue with the news. NBC is taking some flak today over its plane crash sketch that opened last night's Emmy telecast. Many complaints were received as the sketch came on the heels of a real plane crash.
GREG: Steve, may I be the first to say that you really are very bad at this?
STEVE: Well, I appreciate your frankness. I guess. But what's so bad?
GREG: You took a fairly good story and made it booorrrring. Here, tell me why this is so much better..."Why do so many people hate NBC this morning? Stickaround and we'll tell you. But, keep in mind, NBC will probably have to lay most of its employees off." Yes! I nailed it! Did you hear the anguish, the horror in my voice?
STEVE: Yeah, I heard it, but I'm not so sure it's what was needed for that story.
GREG: Steve, Steve, Steve. My naive, and untalented little friend. You're telling me, Greg McQuake, what makes for a good story. Why that's like the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it?
STEVE: No, I don't really think it's like a pot calling a kettle black. It might be like John Bernier telling Jim Duncan that it's going to be in the low nineties today.
GREG: Stop it! You're just plain evil. You just had to give the temperature again, didn't you. And you had to mention those two guys, as if our weatherman, you know, what's his name, wasn't as important as they are. You really do have a cruel streak in you. Now I know why Julie never liked you.
STEVE: Can I just get back to this audition tape?
GREG: Yeah, right. As if you had a chance in, well, nevermind. Let me show you a thing or two about news reporting. "Greg McQuake here. What local editor of some puny little magazine had his lights punched out today by Richmond's leading morning anchor? Stick around and I'll tell you, but first, I have to go punch someone's lights out.
Well, the tape abruptly ends at this point. But, I've watched it a few times, and, personally, I think it's pretty good. But, now that I've had a chance to play it for you, sort of, I'd like your opinion. If you really like it, you'll call channel 6 and ask them to fire Greg McQuake, my nearest and dearest friend, and give me a shot at this news thing. I think I'm kind of a natural. But, that's just one man's (me) opinion.
Monday, August 28, 2006
My Very Elderly Mother Just Stood Up Near Regency Square
Well, they’ve gone and done it. We talked about it last week. Pluto is gone. Just like that. A bunch of brainiacs get together for some international geek-fest and they decide for the rest of us that Pluto is not a planet.
I will not take this sitting down. They want to call Pluto a dwarf planet. What happened to political correctness? If I were to call Jeff Gordon a dwarf NASCAR driver, I’d be branded as being some sort of midget bigot.
But, if these scientists want to call Pluto a dwarf, that’s a different story. Sure, go right ahead. Well, Pluto will always be a full-fledged planet in my book.
But, enough about Pluto, I have other things on my mind today. For one thing, have you been to Regency Square shopping center lately? If not, don’t. It’s kinda sad, to us long time Richmond area residents, anyway, just how dilapidated Regency Square has become. I didn’t notice it until last week, but I think it would be appropriate to start calling Regency Square Cloverleaf Mall, Junior.
I’ve seen this coming for some time. The nice clothing stores are being replaced by such upscale establishments as the As Seen on TV Store. Can dollar-a-week-TV-rental stores be far behind? Or, perhaps Cash-A-Check Centers?
And the kiosks are hideous. The merchants hide behind their stalls and then as you stroll past them, they jump out at you and try to entice you to come over and play with their tumbling trucks, or smell their knock-off perfumes, or feel some sort of spongy thing. Maybe, Regency Square should be called Tijuana East.
I know they have done some sprucing up inside, but on the outside, it’s downright shabby. And, even though they’ve spruced it up inside, it’s still, in my humble opinion, dirty. I was unable to make use of the restroom facilities yesterday because there wasn’t a non-filthy stall in the house…at least in the men’s room. I hesitate to use the ladies’ room. If you’re wondering why restrooms play such an important role in my life, go ask anyone still living who is over fifty.
There is one renovation the folks at Regency Square have made that sort of leaves me scratching my head. I saw it for the first time on Friday. As I was entering the Sears store, I noticed a sign on the big glass doors. It read, “Automatic Door. Pull to Operate.” Excuse me, but isn’t that pretty much how the non-automatic doors operate? Anyway, I pulled on the door and it opened right up. Isn’t modern technology wonderful?
You see, I would think that operating an automatic door by pulling it open, would be pretty much like if I had this stick and I told you the stick was a remote control device for my TV. Then, to demonstrate how my stick worked, I’d walk over to the television set and use the stick to press the power button. Then, I’d use the stick to press the channel button…I guess you get the picture. In other words, why spend money on manually operated automatic doors? Use that money to clean the restrooms.
You know, now that I reflect on all this, it seems that Regency Square has become the Pluto of shopping centers. It once was considered right up there with the big boys. It was THE big boy of area shopping centers. If something isn't soon done, something besides putting up signs that say the doors are automatic, that is, before you know it, Regency will be Azalea Mauled. And, if you're old enough to remember Azalea, then I'd better stop right now, because chances are, you need to run to the restroom.
I will not take this sitting down. They want to call Pluto a dwarf planet. What happened to political correctness? If I were to call Jeff Gordon a dwarf NASCAR driver, I’d be branded as being some sort of midget bigot.
But, if these scientists want to call Pluto a dwarf, that’s a different story. Sure, go right ahead. Well, Pluto will always be a full-fledged planet in my book.
But, enough about Pluto, I have other things on my mind today. For one thing, have you been to Regency Square shopping center lately? If not, don’t. It’s kinda sad, to us long time Richmond area residents, anyway, just how dilapidated Regency Square has become. I didn’t notice it until last week, but I think it would be appropriate to start calling Regency Square Cloverleaf Mall, Junior.
I’ve seen this coming for some time. The nice clothing stores are being replaced by such upscale establishments as the As Seen on TV Store. Can dollar-a-week-TV-rental stores be far behind? Or, perhaps Cash-A-Check Centers?
And the kiosks are hideous. The merchants hide behind their stalls and then as you stroll past them, they jump out at you and try to entice you to come over and play with their tumbling trucks, or smell their knock-off perfumes, or feel some sort of spongy thing. Maybe, Regency Square should be called Tijuana East.
I know they have done some sprucing up inside, but on the outside, it’s downright shabby. And, even though they’ve spruced it up inside, it’s still, in my humble opinion, dirty. I was unable to make use of the restroom facilities yesterday because there wasn’t a non-filthy stall in the house…at least in the men’s room. I hesitate to use the ladies’ room. If you’re wondering why restrooms play such an important role in my life, go ask anyone still living who is over fifty.
There is one renovation the folks at Regency Square have made that sort of leaves me scratching my head. I saw it for the first time on Friday. As I was entering the Sears store, I noticed a sign on the big glass doors. It read, “Automatic Door. Pull to Operate.” Excuse me, but isn’t that pretty much how the non-automatic doors operate? Anyway, I pulled on the door and it opened right up. Isn’t modern technology wonderful?
You see, I would think that operating an automatic door by pulling it open, would be pretty much like if I had this stick and I told you the stick was a remote control device for my TV. Then, to demonstrate how my stick worked, I’d walk over to the television set and use the stick to press the power button. Then, I’d use the stick to press the channel button…I guess you get the picture. In other words, why spend money on manually operated automatic doors? Use that money to clean the restrooms.
You know, now that I reflect on all this, it seems that Regency Square has become the Pluto of shopping centers. It once was considered right up there with the big boys. It was THE big boy of area shopping centers. If something isn't soon done, something besides putting up signs that say the doors are automatic, that is, before you know it, Regency will be Azalea Mauled. And, if you're old enough to remember Azalea, then I'd better stop right now, because chances are, you need to run to the restroom.
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