Did I Ever Tell You How Much I Really Care About You?

This may well be my last column. My days of hacking away at these pathetic excuses for blogs are done. I am about to embark on a bold, new, dynamic career move. It's a heady move, but, I like to think I'm somewhat of a heady guy. Before you start patting me on the back and offering your congratulations, at least let me tell you what I'm going to do.
Are you ready? I'm guessing some of you are thinking male model. Not quite. I'm going to become a life coach. And why not? I've read about these life coaches. It's a pretty cushy job. The money is good, the hours are short, and there's no heavy lifting. You go around telling people how pathetic they are and giving them some ideas to become less pathetic. The beauty of this is that the people who hire you are pretty much accustomed to failure. They've never made the right decision in their lives, so if (when) I don't work out, hey, it's what they expected all along. That means I'll never disappoint them. And to make things even better, if I don't help them, they're pretty much conditioned to blame themselves anyway.
Now all I have to do is find out how to get in front of these folks and let them know I'm open for business. I'm thinking about advertising on the back of match book covers. I always was a sucker myself for match book cover ads. I used to submit pictures of Blinky almost every week. The fact that I never got admitted to the Acme Artist's School is not the point. What is the point is that matchbook advertising works. In fact, as a life coach, I going to recommend that all of my clients spend some major dollars on matchbook covers.
Of course, I have lots of advice to give. I think my ability to give advice, often times on subjects about which I know absolutely nothing, is one of my stronger points. A good life coach has to act like he/she knows what he/she is talking about, even when he/she knows nothing.
Another thing working in my favor...an ability that has been pointing me towards a career in life coaching for many years, is my ability to come up with cliches at the drop of a hat. Hey, that's a cliche right there. I think you get my drift...you see where the compass is pointing, as it were. Really, a life coach is nothing if he doesn't have his cliches, and I have a satchel full.
I'm not exactly sure what a life coach does beyond that. He probably has some sort of spreadsheet to show people to prove how smart he is. And maybe some pictures of him standing with past clients, hugging them as if to say, "I'm so proud that I helped you." He also probably knows a lot about IRAs and annuities and roll-overs. I'm hoping that's not the case, because I don't know a thing about those subjects. In fact, truth be told, I find all that stuff rather boring.
But, as for the rest of the day to day duties...the meat and potatoes of the operation, so to speak, I'm pretty much going to have to improvise and learn as I go along. I rather imagine that my first few clients will bear a lot of the brunt of my inabilities. But, a man has to learn somewhere, doesn't he?
And even those first clients are going to be made to feel as if their success is the most important thing in my life. And therein lies my greatest strength...my ability to make people think I care. It's not that I don't care. It's just that I could never care as much as they might think I should considering how much of their money I'm going to be earning.
Well, I gotta run. I want to make up some ads to put on the match books. If you're in need for a good life coach, I'd appreciate you giving me a call. I think I could really help you...if for no other reason than that I care about you so very much. Look at me. You can tell I care...can't you? Alright. Why not give me a call today and tomorrow can be the first day of the rest of your life.