Although my real strength lies in writing well-thought-out social commentary, the only blog I've written recently that anyone seemed to enjoy was the one about big hairy armpits (not mine, just armpits in general). And, while I don't really have much more to say on the subject of big hairy armpits, I do have lots of thoughts on subjects that are equally as disgusting.
For instance, spitting when talking. Don't you just hate it when that happens? If you answered "yes," then here's a piece of advice. Don't talk to me. Or, if you do, keep your distance. I catch myself spitting quite frequently when engaged in conversation. Now, I'm not talking about a big, throat-clearing, gut-wrenching, let'er rip, type of spitting. I just spray it when I say it, so to speak.
I think it's because I have an extremely wet mouth. My dentist once told me I had the wettest mouth he'd ever seen. I quickly informed that dentist that, under no circumstances, was he ever to try and kiss me again.
Speaking of dentists, here's something else that grosses me out. It's looking up a dentist's nose. Invariably, when I'm sitting in that dental chair, and look up at the dentist, there'll be something hanging out of his nose, or at least coming dangerously close to being hurled out of his nose. I become transfixed seeing the object moving up and down in his nose as he speaks. And there I am, mouth wide open, right beneath that nose. Dentists are wearing rubber gloves these days. Which kind of bothers me. It's like saying, I'll take your money, but I don't want to touch your saliva." I think someone should invent some sort of rubber nose guard for the dentist and his/her assistants to wear to protect us patients from them.
Speaking of things hanging from someone else's nose, do you find that if you're talking to that person, you can't concentrate on the conversation? I do. All I can do is stare at his nose. I really have mixed emotions. I'm not sure whether I want the dangling object to be launched or not. That would mean I wouldn't have to look at it, but it would also mean that the object would now be a part of my environment. Also, do you say something about it to the person or not. I worry about such things.
And, if I'm speaking with someone and they can't keep their eyes off my nose, I become very self-conscious. I begin to imagine I feel something dangling. Often, they're simply just admiring my statuesque nose, I think. But, I can't help wondering if there just might be something hanging out of my nose.
These days when someone is staring intently at my face, there's no telling what he or she may be looking at. I used to think I was pretty good looking, well, at least, that I was not revolting to look at. But, recently, while washing my hands in the restroom on an airplane (did I mention that I took a fabulous trip to China in October?) I looked in the mirror with a fluorescent light hanging just over my head. I literally screamed. I have more flaws on my face than Mary Tyler Moore has plastic surgery incisions. And, if it's not the flaws, there's probably some wild hair growing out of my ears. So, going back to what I said earlier, for any number of reasons, if you're talking to me, don't stand too closely.
Well, I hope this satisfies all my friends who prefer that I take a less than intellectual approach in my columns. It's hard, because I'm such a deep thinker, but this is my best effort. If you don't like it, then come just a little bit closer. I have something I want to tell you.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Took Took Tookie, Goodbye
Rumor has it that washed up television star and political activist, Ed Asner is slated to take over Paul Harvey’s Rest of the Story program once network officials discover that Harvey has been dead for over five years. I say this is a rumor, but, truth be told (or, maybe not), I have obtained Asner’s script he used to audition for the job. And, I’m going to share it with you. Here goes:
Tookie grew up in rough neighborhoods. In order to protect himself and others from gangs, he started his own gang. In February 1979, Tookie holds up a 7-Eleven, and, in the process, he kills a clerk. The clerk is taken into the backroom and shot twice in the back at close range.
Less than two weeks later, Tookie kills again. This time a motel owner, his wife, and daughter. And, again, he shoots them at close range. Witnesses later testify that Tookie laughs at the gurgling sound the man made while dying.
Tookie is convicted or murder and sentenced to die. While in prison, Tookie claims he’s seen the light. He claims to have turned his life around. Tookie even writes children’s books denouncing violence. But there are many doubters. Many are convinced there is no true repentance. The governor refuses to stay his execution.
Perhaps, you’ve guessed by now. This lying murderer is none other than George “Tookie” Bush. Only now you know the rest of the story.
Okay, I admit it. I made that whole thing up. But, there is an underlying point here. I don’t make many valid points, so I hope you’ll take note of this one. My point is totally non-political, but does it seem strange that entertainers like Asner, Ted Danson, Richard Dreyfuss, Elliott Gould, and others, rail against the President of the United States, some even comparing him to Hitler, while petitioning for mercy for a cold-blooded killer?
Asner, who has supported Planned Parenthood, an organization that wholeheartedly endorses abortion, doesn’t seem to mind the murder of innocent babies, innocent 7-Eleven clerks and innocent motel owners. But he’s offended by the execution – not the murder, but the execution – of Tookie Williams. Go figure.
Ted Danson has campaigned to “keep abortions safe,” using the coat hanger in a back alley scare tactic employed by so many pro-choicers (sometimes pronounced pro-abortionists). He wants to keep abortions safe. He wants to keep Tookie Williams alive (or wanted to, anyway). Too bad he isn’t interested in keeping our children safe from gang members like Tookie Williams.
It really is a crazy, mixed-up world. I can understand concerns about capital punishment. There are obvious flaws and inconsistencies in our judicial systems, but what I can’t understand is why so many of those who are against capital punishment are in favor of abortion. Okay, let’s assume that Tookie Williams really did change. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. I could believe your sincerity if you were also in favor of giving that fetus the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it really is a human life growing in the womb. Gee, what a shocking thought.
I read an interesting comment once that compared the ancient pagan ritual of sacrificing children in the fire, to modern-day abortions. The comment basically was that in ancient times, women sacrificed their children on the altar of Molech. Today, many women sacrifice their unborn children on the altar of convenience. I think there’s a lot of truth to that. In fact, I think that comment may very well be the rest of the story.
Tookie grew up in rough neighborhoods. In order to protect himself and others from gangs, he started his own gang. In February 1979, Tookie holds up a 7-Eleven, and, in the process, he kills a clerk. The clerk is taken into the backroom and shot twice in the back at close range.
Less than two weeks later, Tookie kills again. This time a motel owner, his wife, and daughter. And, again, he shoots them at close range. Witnesses later testify that Tookie laughs at the gurgling sound the man made while dying.
Tookie is convicted or murder and sentenced to die. While in prison, Tookie claims he’s seen the light. He claims to have turned his life around. Tookie even writes children’s books denouncing violence. But there are many doubters. Many are convinced there is no true repentance. The governor refuses to stay his execution.
Perhaps, you’ve guessed by now. This lying murderer is none other than George “Tookie” Bush. Only now you know the rest of the story.
Okay, I admit it. I made that whole thing up. But, there is an underlying point here. I don’t make many valid points, so I hope you’ll take note of this one. My point is totally non-political, but does it seem strange that entertainers like Asner, Ted Danson, Richard Dreyfuss, Elliott Gould, and others, rail against the President of the United States, some even comparing him to Hitler, while petitioning for mercy for a cold-blooded killer?
Asner, who has supported Planned Parenthood, an organization that wholeheartedly endorses abortion, doesn’t seem to mind the murder of innocent babies, innocent 7-Eleven clerks and innocent motel owners. But he’s offended by the execution – not the murder, but the execution – of Tookie Williams. Go figure.
Ted Danson has campaigned to “keep abortions safe,” using the coat hanger in a back alley scare tactic employed by so many pro-choicers (sometimes pronounced pro-abortionists). He wants to keep abortions safe. He wants to keep Tookie Williams alive (or wanted to, anyway). Too bad he isn’t interested in keeping our children safe from gang members like Tookie Williams.
It really is a crazy, mixed-up world. I can understand concerns about capital punishment. There are obvious flaws and inconsistencies in our judicial systems, but what I can’t understand is why so many of those who are against capital punishment are in favor of abortion. Okay, let’s assume that Tookie Williams really did change. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. I could believe your sincerity if you were also in favor of giving that fetus the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it really is a human life growing in the womb. Gee, what a shocking thought.
I read an interesting comment once that compared the ancient pagan ritual of sacrificing children in the fire, to modern-day abortions. The comment basically was that in ancient times, women sacrificed their children on the altar of Molech. Today, many women sacrifice their unborn children on the altar of convenience. I think there’s a lot of truth to that. In fact, I think that comment may very well be the rest of the story.
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