Save Big When You Read This Column

The one thing I especially admire about myself is that no matter how high I fly…no matter how successful I become, I’ve never lost touch with the little people. You know who I’m talking about…those people who really don’t matter much at all, and yet, in their own special way are so very…well, so very special.
True, I work for a powerful magazine publisher. I drive a 1994 Saturn. I shop at the S&K Crazy Warehouse for most of my clothing. My shoes are the very best pair of $15.00 shoes that Walmart has to offer. And yet, I’m still, in so many ways, just one of the common folk.
So, to demonstrate my “every-day-sort-of-guy-who-happens-to-love-hyphens” persona, I’ve gone to the trouble of preparing what I like to call, “Steve’s Handy Guide to Economizing.”
“What does a successful guy like you, Steve, know about economizing,” you’re thinking, while, at the same time, I’m wondering if you put thoughts in quotation marks. But, anyhow, I think you’ll find by the time you finish reading my guide, that there’s quite a bit I know about saving money. So, without further ado (you may want to print this out and keep it with you at all times), here’s my guide:

1) Save money by using over-the-counter medications as food. Why? Because there’s no tax on medicine. Clever, eh? For instance, rather than expensive chocolates, try Exlax. They offer a rich, chocolatey pill that could rival the finest Swedish chocolates. OH YEAH, THE DISCLAIMER – I’M NOT A DOCTOR. DO NOT DO ANYTHING I SAY. NOW BACK TO THE GUIDE. – For a fruity little treat, Tums and Rolaids tablets are great. And those Tums chewables will delightfully melt right in your mouth. If you’re serving ice cream, don’t waste precious tax dollars on syrup. Use Pepto Bismol. One warning – it can cause some darkening of the stools, and I’m not talking about your dining room furniture.
2) Many people waste money by filling their entire toothbrush with toothpaste. Go only half the way, a demi-squiggle if you will. You really can’t tell any discernable difference and you’ll save big on toothpaste.
3) While we’re on hygiene, I’ve found that I can get by on using deodorant every other day. Now, you may already know that, but here’s the big secret, use the deodorant under your left arm one day and your right arm the next. Alternate every day. That way, if you really do work up a stink, you can simply make sure you stand next to other people on your “today’s pit” side. Even if people think you stink, you can let them smell the good pit to convince them that the odor must be coming from someone else in the room.
4) The last suggestion is one that I found helps get me over the hump when the funds run low and that is…Ignore your bills. You recognize them when they come in the mail. Just throw them away. Don’t open them. There may be verbiage in the letter that will only hurt your feelings. And, when bill collectors call, simply tell them you’re dead. Works like a charm.

Well, these are my tips for today. Perhaps you’d like to share some of your own. And, if you find these helpful, let me know. I’ll share some others with you some day. Well, I gotta run. It’s time for the Saturn’s 12,000 mile oil change.