It's Beginning to Look Like The Most Miserable Time of the Year - Ding Dong Ding Dong

This has to be the absolutely most miserable time of year. It’s not just a matter of crowded streets and jam-packed stores. It’s not just the incessant bell ringing and the strong-armed tactics of the dozens of winos in Santa suits. No, it’s much more than that.
The real problem is that I’m being Burl Ived to death. I hate Burl Ives music. I don’t think he was a good singer. And, thankfully for about 11 months of the year, no radio station will dare play his music. But, starting Thanksgiving day, my favorite radio stations do 24 hour Christmas music. Why?
Even if you’re a big fan of Christmas music do you really want to listen to it non-stop? Now, Delilah is playing it. Why can’t she just go back to her sappy love songs? Someone calls her up and says they want to dedicate a special song to a loved one who has meant so much to them, and has helped them through the hard times, and has stuck by them, and can Delilah please play something very special, and she says, “I have just the perfect song,” and plays Frosty the Snowman.
Stop the insanity. Everybody is getting into the act. Just last night, I was sitting at my keyboard, when the phone rings. You’ll never guess who was phoning. Yes, it was my old friend Lochru, the Druid. I hadn’t heard from Lochru in quite some time. You may remember, he was found frozen at the bottom of the Falling Creek Reservoir a couple of years back, and when he thawed out, he was as good as new. Anyway, he calls, and the conversation went something like this…

ME: Hello

LOCHRU: Hey, big fellow. It’s Lochru

ME: Well, Lochru, how are you? I haven’t heard from you lately. What’s happening?

LOCHRU: Well, I’ve been busy. I’ve started my own business.

ME: (wondering what sort of business a Druid would be starting) Well, you have me wondering. What sort of business would a Druid be starting?

LOCHRU: Amway, my friend. That’s why I’m calling. How would you like a six-figure income without ever leaving home?

ME: I’m not really interested.

LOCHRU: (Laughing) Whoa! Hold on. That’s what I said. But then I took a look, and these folks are amazing. I’m making money so quickly, I have several checks I haven’t even had time to cash yet.

ME: Let me stop you. I really am not interested...at all.

LOCHRU: I thought you’d say that. So, if I can’t interest you in becoming part of my down network…

ME: Down network? What, are you selling ducks now too?

LOCHRU: (Laughing) Steve, my friend, you always did have a keen sense of humor. But, let me continue. The real reason I’m calling is to see if you know anyone at Lite 98.

ME: Well, I have met Bill Bevins. Why?

LOCHRU: I’ve written a song of the season, and I was hoping they would play it.

ME: You’ve written a Christmas song?

LOCHRU: Heavens no. Christmas is so, so, well, it’s so commercialized. We Druids view this as a very sacred season. It’s Alban Arthuan, you know.

ME: No, I didn’t know.

LOCHRU: Well, it’s very special, and for eleven months a year I really miss my homeland, but this time of year, everyone becomes so Druidish, albeit a bit commercialized. Anyway, as I was window shopping at Short Pump Town Center the other day, I got the idea for a beautiful song. Would you like me to sing it to you?

ME: Yeah, go ahead.

LOCHRU: (demonstrating a very beautiful voice, I might add)

It’s beginning to look a lot like Alban Arthuan,
Everywhere I go
Just when we thought it was dead and done, Here again comes the sun
And so we put up our mistletoe.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Alban Arthuan
The Father Sky God in every store
But the prettiest sight to see is the old yule log that will be
Burning brightly just inside my own front door

It’s beginning to look a lot like Alban Arthuan
Try and describe it and the words will fail ya
Nothing can be so gay, as when we give each other gifts that day
Oh how much I love the good ol’ Saturnalia.

Da Da Da De Da Da Da Da Da

ME: Are you done?

LOCHRU: It needs a little work, but all in all, what do you think?


ME: It’s lovely.

LOCHRU: Thanks. So, can you help me get it on the air?

ME: Sure, sure. I’ll try.

LOCHRU: You’re a pal. Let’s do lunch one day real soon. Byeee.

Anyway, the truth is, I don’t know Bill Bevins at all. So, I’m hoping you can help out. If you know him or someone else there, can you put me in touch? I’d be so grateful. You know how much I hate to disappoint Druids.