Oh Say Can You Sue?

I received a flyer for a special seminar designed for business owners. The seminar is entitled, "Top Ten Ways Your Employees Can Sue You." Seems to me that this is a seminar that employees should be attending. I'd like to know more ways to sue my boss. I sure can't depend on my wise financial investments to keep me warm in my rapidly-approaching old age. My 401k kicks in when I'm 92. I'm looking forward to that. And my life insurance isn't very good either. Because of my health, the best policy I could get doesn't actually pay a death benefit, but when I die, my wife gets a free oil change every six months. So, all in all, I guess I should be thankful.
However, I believe I could firm up my financial picture by suing my boss. I've come up with several ways to do that, although i'm looking forward to learning of other ways at the seminar. But, as a public service, here are my top five reasons for which one could sue their employer.

5. Hiring Ugly Women. Some may say this is a sexist comment. My reply is, "Of course, it's sexist. But, hey, I'm a guy, so where's the problemo? Ugly women in an office do so much damage. Now, I'm not speaking from recent experience. Our office is teeming with lovely ladies. But, I have worked with some ugly gals. And it does have a negative impact. Take this woman who works at a local retailer (please) (I never can resist that one). She has dingy, gray dreadlocks and a beard much thicker than mine. Her facial hair is so coarse that I could easily believe that's where Brillo pads come from (if I were younger and naivier). Everytime I go into this store I end up at her register. I can't look at her. What a jerk, you all are probably thinking right now. Not true. Her personality is lovely. But her looks leave something to be desired. If I worked for this store, I'd have to sue my employer for creating an unpleasant work environment.

4. Paper Cuts. Ouch! Did you know that paper is the most dangerous item in an office. I'm not positive about that, but judging from the numerous paper cuts I get, I'm guessing I'm on the mark here. I have bloodstains on most of my files. I don't think we'll ever have paperless offices, but it seems to me that if they could make paper out of something less lethal than paper, maybe rubber, we'd have a lot less paper cuts. Plus, if writing paper were made of rubber, it could erase its own mistakes.

3. Unreasonable Employers. There's something about becoming a boss that makes some people so, how should I say it, so...bossy. Personally, I work better when I can come and go as I please and do exactly what I want, when I want, and how I want. But does my boss see it that way? Nope. He looks at me as if I'm nuts or something. I know that look. I see it often. But, let me tell you, that sort of attitude is going to end up biting him in the derriere. When he's sitting in a courtroom and I'm interrogating him mercilessly, we'll see just who looks so stupid then, eh?

2. Inferior Snacks. Our company has a snack room and the boss "so graciously" supplies us with cookies and candy and chips and stuff. But the guy must shop at Big Lots. Instead of Oreos, we have something called, "Choco-creamo-wiches." We don't have Fig Newtons, we have Figolicious Snack Bars. Big Lots has a knock-off on virtually every real product in existance. They have a deodorant that looks like Speed Stick, but it's called Pit Stop. They even have their own brand of birth control products, known as Poppa-Stoppa. The products have labels that, at first glance, make you think they're the real thing. Take it from me, they're not. I say if someone thinks so little of himself to go buy this stuff, more power to him. But when big corporations start foisting these things on their employees, my advice is, "Get an attorney!"

1. Five-Day Work Weeks. This may have been fine in Ebenezer Scrooge's day, but, hey, this is the 21st century. We're enlightened. I would personally prefer a five day weekend, but, to show my willingness to compromise, and to be reasonable, I'm willing to settle for a 3-day work week and a 4 day weekend. When you consider that Saturday and Sunday come and go so quickly, any reasonable person should conclude that the American worker deserves a couple more days to get things done. And, if my boss doesn't like it, I guess we can settle it, like men, in a court of law.

Well, these are just a few reasons one could sue their employer. I'm hoping this seminar I'm going to isn't just a rehashing of what I've written above. Or, I may have to sue the seminar people, too. If you have any good ideas, I'd love to know. I watched the Law And Order Marathon recently, so I know my way around a courtroom. In fact, there are some who might describe me as litigilicious.