Sorry Excuse.

This whole Michael Richards fiasco, following somewhat on the heels of the Mel Gibson deal has opened up a rather painful memory from my past. Sometimes it helps to talk these things out, especially when I really can't think of anything else about which to write.
The painful, and up-til-now closeted event in my life goes back about a half a century, to my first grade days in Boones Mill Elementary School. It was the annual Boones Mill Elementary May Day Talent Show. Gee, I remember it like it was yesterday.
(INSERT DREAM LIKE MUSIC AND SPECIAL EFFECTS HERE)

Mrs. Williams (my first grade teacher): And now, everyone, little Stevie Cook will be performing his rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot." Let's have a big hand for Stevie.

Me: (shuffling onstage, placing one hand on my hip, and bending my other arm and hand to remarkably ressemble a spout) I'm a little teapot...short and stout..."

Floyd Clingenpeel (a bratty kid in the audience, not to be confused with his twin brother Lloyd Clingenpeel): You sure are short...and stout too.

Entire Audience: Laugh Laugh

Me: (LANGUAGE WARNING: Watch out, remove children from the room. I use the "B" word here) Oh yeah. You...you...you bugger eater.

Floyd: Who you calling bugger eater, fatso?

Me: You! Bugger Eater! Bugger Eater! Bugger Eater!

At that point Mrs. Williams, and our principal, Mr. Gruver rushed me offstage. I had humiliated myself and the school. The story made the Franklin County Gazette the next week. My career in show business was pretty much destroyed.

I did go on a local TV talk show a few days later. That went something like this:
(MORE DREAMY MUSIC)

Me: What can I say, but I am truly sorry. I am sorry not only that I hurt Floyd Clingenpeel, but that i hurt bugger eaters everywhere. And not just bugger eaters. I know there are many that were hurt. For instance, take Sandra Wood, who is in my class. She doesn't eat buggers, at least not to my knowledge, but she chews ABC gum. She doesn't know that anyone knows that, but we all do. I'm sure she was hurt, because there really isn't much difference between a bugger eater and an ABC gum chewer. Or consider Bluford Overfelt. He's in the third grade and he still wets his bed at night. I overheard his mother tell my mother that he did. I'm sure he was hurt by my cruel words. To all of these people, I truly say "I'm sorry."

Now you would have thought that such a heartfelt apology would have put an end to the matter. You'd have thought we all could have had a good laugh and gotten back to the business of learning to read and write. But, noooooooo. It seems those kids at Boones Mill Elementary were not very forgiving. Charles Wimmer, who was in the second grade, and who was president of the ABEDL, that's the Anti-Bugger Eaters Defamation League, was very vocal in condemining me.
He said, and I quote, "It's unfortunate that Mr. Stevie Cook chose to go on a non-bugger eating TV show, with a non-bugger eating audience and apologize. I'd have felt more comfortable if he'd gone on Romper Room where most of the audience are bugger eaters."
It's that sort of mentality that pretty much did me in. Shortly thereafter, I moved from Boones Mill to Richmond. I changed my name from Stevie Cook to Steve Cook, and for the past fifty years I've been successful in keeping this nastiness hidden, but, thanks to Michael Richards all the pain and the hurt have come flooding back.
I heard from Bluford Overfelt last night. He admitted that he had a hard time living down the bed wetting reputation, and then confessed that just about the time he'd lived it down (within the past year or so), he's once again become incontinent. I consoled him. I told him what goes around comes around.
Neither of us knew exactly what that meant, but we both felt better. If there are any more of your Boones Millians out there who are still hurting over my unkind words, what can I say? Taking a cue from Mel Gibson and Michael Richards, let me well up a tear in my eye and say, "I'm sorry." That ought to take care of matters once and for all. And, if you don't like it, well, hey, I'm sorry.