Running A Fowl of the Faithful

So, I’m sitting at the desk, absent-mindedly picking at belly button lint. My boss slaps my hand, screaming, “I said leave me alone!”
In response, I go back to my own desk and decide to check my email. Lo and behold, I actually get one that’s not trying to sell me a stock, a Rolex watch, or some sort of medication.
It’s from a Reverend Owen Christopher. Mr. Christopher, it seems was somewhat offended by my reference to Sandersria, the somewhat off-beat religion I had written about this morning.
He said, and I’ll quote, “Mr. Cook, may you burn in the eternal flames of hot oil for blaspheming our religion.”
He has my attention…another fan, I’m thinking. He goes on…
“You seem to take our beliefs very lightly. Do you not have even a modicum of appreciation for the feelings of dozens of Sanders-fearing upright men and women who practice our faith?”
First, let me say to Reverend Christopher, “I sir, used to have a modicum, but it broke.”
The good Rev continues, “We are a sincere group of individuals who have been looking for, yes, praying for the Colonel’s Second Helping. And rubbish such as you write can only serve to humiliate us.”
Once again, I interrupt the man of the cloth napkin to assure him and you that I am very fond of his Colonel. I don’t view him as divine, but certainly as a great profit center.
Christopher continues, “Our faith has taken quite a hit over the past few years. First there was that “extra crispy” apostate movement. Then some of our less faithful leaders took the very name Kentucky off our signs, replacing it with the offensive ‘KFC.
“I, sir am very vocal in proclaiming, ‘Put the Kentucky back into K.”
The pastor makes a good point. I personally think a bucket of chicken has become too commercialized. Have you seen what they’re charging – an arm and a leg for a breast and a leg?
But, I digress…the Reverend Christopher concludes, “Perhaps I am over-reacting, but our little group has taken some hard knocks lately. That sweet sticky sauce on the wings was outright blasphemy, but the very worst thing, the most unimaginable thing, and I’m sure if the Colonel were alive today he’d be spinning in his grave, is that horid ecumenical movement. Of course, I refer to the adulterating of pure Sandersria with Pizza Hutian beliefs. A sacrilege…an outrage.”
The reverend concluded with the typical, "Sanders bless."
I’m sharing this with you, my friends in an effort to say, “let’s all stop and smell the roses.”
No, that’s not what I wanted to say. It had something to do with walking a mile in the other guy’s shoes. I tell you what. I’m going to get a big box of wings and go sit down and think this over for a bit.

You Know You're a Norse Heathen...If Your Church Service Ends With A Lethal Injection

I was in the men's room at Ukrop's today. I know that, in itself, is not fascinating. As one rapidly approaching senior citizen's status, I find myself in the men's room at many locations around town. Well, when I say I find myself, I don't mean that I regain consciousness and discover that's where I am. I went in their on my own volition.
Anyway, I knew the Ukrop's family is somewhat a corporate bumper sticker for their religious convictions, but, even so, I was a tad suprised to see that they had etched on the restroom stall the statement, "Jesus saves." Interestingly, below that, someone else (I'm presuming) had etched: "And you can too...at Food Lion."
I'd been thinking about religion lately. There are some strange ones out there. What got me on that mindset is the story about Michael Lenz. He's the Virginia death-row inmate who's about to be lethally injected for killing a fellow inmate during a religious ritual. Seems the fellow inmate - the dead one - was a backslider. He wasn't serving his Norse gods in the manner that the other inmate - the amost dead one - thought he should.
The way I look at it, those Norse god religions are kinda backwoodsy compared to some of the world's major religions. I mean, think about it - the major religions kill hundreds, if not thousands of people at a time in the name of religion. These Norse heathenists can only muster one person, and a prisoner at that. If you ask me, it's kind of like shooting fish in a barrel.
I'll have to remember to ask my old friend Lochru more about this the next time I see him.
There are other interesting religions, that, at first glance might seem a little strange. For instance, there's the Frisbeeterians. They believe that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and you can't get it down.
I think if I were going to choose a cult, I'd be partial to the Sandersria. This is a little-known religion found in the southeastern part of the United States. Their major practice, and the one that draws in the most converts, involves sacrificing a chicken, then frying it up with several delicious herbs and spices and serving with mashed potatoes and biscuits. Devotees follow that up with a two-hour sleep-like state in the middle of a Sunday afternoon.
If you ask me, that's a lot more enjoyable than having to go out and kill people. With my luck, I'd end up killing the wrong guys. But, when it comes to ingesting a fried chicken, you can hardly go wrong. I've never, to my recollection, eaten a chicken I didn't like.
Well, I hope I'm not sounding like a religious fanatic here. Keep in mind, I'm not a practicing Sandersria. And, with clogged arteries, I'm not about to go headlong into the movement. But, hey, once in a while, a nugget or two sure can't hurt.