The Great Ukrop's Beer Scare of 2008

Wow! What about that beer scare at Ukrop's? "Fortunately," says a Ukrop's spokesman, "it turned out to be nothing more serious than a bomb." The spokesman, Harv Pinkle, went on to say,"Considering the type of world in which we live today, you never know. It could have been a six-pack."
Quickly Pinkle asked, "That is how theose heathen stores sell beer, isn't it? In six-packs?"
Pinkle and the entire Ukrop's team have every right to be alarmed. Beer is prevalent everywhere these days. You can buy it on the open market. And, so, I'm told, there are sights on the Internet that even give detailed instructions on making your own beer.
So, when someone from Ukrop's found an abandoned bag outside one of their West End groceries recently, he immediately suspected beer. Ukrop's called in their own beer squad, replete with beer-sniffing dogs, and within a couple hours, to the relief of all Ukrop's employees, the suspicious-looking bag was found to be just a bomb.
The Ukrop's family has toiled tirelessly through the years to ensure that lips that touch alcohol never touch them...or something like that. Smokes? No problem. The Ukrop's make a pretty hefty profit on cigarettes, but when it comes to beer and wine, it's nosiree bob.
Which leaves me scratching my head. Well, I'm not literally scratching my head, except on those occasions when it itches. But I do wonder where the Ukrop's got their abomination for alcohol. I know, I know, it's a religious thing.
From what I've been told, the Ukrop's have a doctored picture of the Last Supper. All of the wine has been painted over. And, or so I'm told, the picture shows Jesus lighting Peter's cigarette.
Now, I couldn't make this sort of stuff up, folks. Oh, wait, hold on. I guess I could make it up. But, even if I were, and I along with the governor of New York, am not admitting anything right now, but, even if I were making it up, you have to admit that,somehow, it seems rather hypocritical to refuse to sell wine, the drink of prophets, and sell cigarettes, the carcinogen of profits.
If you want to shun all alcohol, I say more power to you. There's nothing in the Bible that condemns the moderate use of alcohol, but there's nothing in there that says you have to drink either.
But, how, with all the statistics, and with the horrendous odor, and with those ugly yellow teeth, so prevalent in the mouths of many Ukrop's employees and shoppers,how do you condemn alcohol and promote tobacco?
But, I shan't worry my pretty little head over it. I'll keep shopping at Ukrop's because, truth be told, they are nice to deal with. And, if I ever want a drink, I'll go to Food Lion, which, truth be told, by the time I leave a Food Lion, I need a drink.