But I Can Walk and Chew Gum, Almost at the Same Time

I've made some important self-discoveries over the past few months. One of the most important is that I've come to the realization that I am a total oaf. Nary a day goes by that I don't knock something over, or spill a drink, especially on my white shirts, or do something else to totally embarrass myself.
I would love to picture myself as sauve, debonair...even Fred Astair-like. But I know that's not true. Even in simple, daily activities, I manage to botch things up. Take the other night, for instance. My wife and I were preparing to leave the house to attend an important meeting. It was during the recent cold spell, so, in order to be thoughtful, I went out and started the car. Actually, it was a truck I started because my wife's car was in the shop. She had recently gone hunting for venison along Interstate 64, using the hood of her car as a weapon.
Anyway, I start this rental truck and close the door. Simple, eh? All of a sudden I hear this clicking sound. For some reason, without my having even touched anything, all the doors locked. There I was, locked out of a truck, with its engine running. I had to call the auto rental company and confess my stupidity. They sent a guy out to unlock it, but the truck ran for an hour-and-a-half until he got there.
I may have told you about my oafish incident on the United Airlines jet, during my (fabulous) trip to China. I know I mentioned that I had been squeezed into a seat which would have been extremely comfortable for a double amputee. But, even with my stubby little legs, it was very painful. Anyway, I finally, after suffering in silence for about two hours, mustered enough courage to ask the two guys who were sitting beside me (I was by the window), if they would let me out to use the restroom. As they maneuvered to let me out, I quickly slipped on my shoes and headed down the aisle. After walking past dozens of passengers, I heard something dragging behind me. I looked down, and to my chagrin, I noticed that when I had slipped on my shoe, I had caught a plastic bag, containing all my snacks, between my foot and the inside of the shoe. Here I was dragging this bag behind me down the aisle, leaving an M and M trail, in a somewhat Hansel and Gretel manner.
I don't know how many of the other passengers noticed me, but I do know I felt like a fool. I redeemed myself though, by neglecting to zip up before I exited the restroom. I'm glad I was able to, at least, provide a little entertainment on a long, boring flight.
I'm constantly doing something stupid. I was in the drive-through line at a bank not too long ago. I was riding with a friend, and, for some reason, I decided while the friend waited in line, I would jump out, use the ATM and then hop back in the car. Everything went smoothly. Too smoothly. I was out of their car, completed my banking, and back in their car before the friend ever made it to the teller window. Only problem...I jumped in someone else's car. I swear the car's looked too much alike. Well, at least they were the same color...almost.
Anyway, I hopped in the passenger side and said, "See I told you I could do it." And then, the horror. I looked over at the friend. Only it wasn't my friend. It was a terror-struck woman, who I'm sure was not expecting a strange man to hop in her car. At least, from the look she gave me, that's what I surmised. Fortunately, I jumped out before she could scream, or, at least, before I could hear her scream.
That was one of my more embarrassing oafish moments, but there have been, and continue to be others...like the time I went for a job interview with mismatched shoes, or that business luncheon where I managed to knock over three glasses of iced tea, with just one errant knee banging into the table leg. I try to comfort myself by telling myself that these things happen to everyone. But, I really think I have more than my share of such occurrences.
I wonder if there is any way to make money out of this. You know, how you can hire clowns for children's parties? I don't suppose any of you would like to rent an oaf for an afternoon, would you? I'm sure your guests would quite amused.