The Fat and the Dead

This whole dieting thing is getting old. I've been on Weight Watchers for 9 days now, and I gotta tell you, I'd rather be eating. Hey, that would make a great bumper sticker.
As diets go, Weight Watchers is not so bad. And, in case you've been biting your nails wondering how I'm doing...I lost 4.6 pounds the first week. Applause applause!
Weight Watchers takes the attitude that you don't need to lose weight quickly. Our leader (that's what they call the formerly fat women who teach) asked us the other night, "Why do you need to lose weight so quickly?"
My immediate response was that with all my health problems, I wanted to lose weight quickly so I'd look good in my coffin. I worry about that. I have several less than attractive chins and when I'm lying down, my face looks fat...fatter.
Now think about taking that fat face and neck, letting rigor mortis set in, and then strangling my cadaver with a necktie. I'll have a face that looks like a pasty white blob of toothpaste squeezed mercilessly out of the tube.
And, what is more, all my friends will stand around looking at it, and patting me on my stiff dead hand, and telling my wife how much I look like myself...fat.
Before I check out, I need to lose about 50 pounds. I want to get so thin that my friends will tell my wife at the funeral home that they weren't aware I'd been so sick.
Now, you may be thinking that my thinking is rather morbid. Maybe so, but I think I'm just being realistic. I'm not overly proud, but I really don't want everyone looking at my fat face in the coffin.
When you think about it, this whole custom of laying people out, fully dressed in a casket is rather silly. I don't lie down to take a nap in a suit. I think I'll request that the mortician either dress me in pajamas, or prop my eyes open so I won't look like I'm napping in my suit, or, better yet, why not sit me up in one of the chairs in the funeral parlor. I'd look a lot better sitting up. Maybe they could put a magazine in my lap, or, perhaps a TV remote in my hand.
I know a lot of funeral homes are promoting this celebration of life idea and the best way to celebrate my life would be to sit me up, put a bowl of popcorn by my side, and have a television in the room showing an episode of Law And Order.
If they showed a pretty good episode I have a feeling most of my friends wouldn't even realize I was fat. Heck, they might not even realize I'm dead.