My Very Own Election Blog

Because I choose to keep a low profile, and because I’m a somewhat, no, make that very modest guy, many of you probably don’t realize that when it comes to politics, I’m exceptionally savvy. Therefore, while it may surprise you, it didn’t surprise me one iota that I’ve been asked to do an election wrap-up radio program this morning.
Actually, I’m doing it as I type this, and thanks to modern technology, the transcript of my program will be seen below. So, get ready to be impressed. Here goes:

STEVE: Well, my next guest on the Big Wig line is Senator George Allen. Welcome Senator Allen.

GEORGE ALLEN: Thanks Steve. It’s a pleasure to be on a show with such a modest, and yet politically savvy guy.

STEVE: You’re very gracious, Senator. Let me get one thing straight right away. I’m constantly getting you mixed up with the old comedy team of George Burns and Gracie Allen. Are you their son?

GEORGE ALLEN: No, not at all, Steve. I’m the son of George Allen.

STEVE: That’s right, that’s right. Your dad was some sort of a sports star or something, wasn’t he?

GEORGE ALLEN: You’re close. He was the coach of the Washington Redskins.

STEVE: Yeah, I remember now. And he also has some cars in NASCAR, if I’m not mistaken.

GEORGE ALLEN: Well, you are mistaken, actually. You’re thinking of Joe Gibbs.

STEVE: Yeah, that’s right. Hey, you’re pretty smart. It’s too bad you lost last night.

GEORGE ALLEN: Well, hold on. It’s too close to call right now. I have not conceded defeat.

STEVE: Well, I’m just going by the numbers. But, let’s say that you do lose, what would you blame that on?

GEORGE ALLEN: Well, there are a number of factors. I made some pretty stupid blunders, especially when I called that terrorist “Macacaw.”

STEVE: Yeah, that was pretty stupid, wasn’t it?

GEORGE ALLEN: (laughing) I heard that, Steve. I was talking to my great-aunt, Hadassah Goldburg, and she told me…

STEVE: Sorry, Senator, or should I say soon to be ex-Senator, but I have the winner on the line and I have to go. Well, folks, there you have it. Thanks to Senator Joe Gibbs, Junior for being so gracious. Now, let’s move to Jim Webb. Senator Webb…

JIM WEBB: I like the sound of that, Steve, but not quite a Senator.

STEVE: Okay, then I’ll just call you Jim, if I may. Jim, I know Al Gore invented the Internet, but with a name like Webb, I’m wondering if you had anything to do with that whole world-wide thing.

JIM WEBB: No, I can’t take credit for that, but I would like to make a comment. I’m hearing on the news that this race is to close to declare a winner. That’s wrong. I declared myself a winner last night.

STEVE: Yeah, I heard that. I guess last night was pretty exciting.

JIM WEBB: Well, let me put it this way…I was so proud I went back to my room and wrote an entire pornographic novel in less than an hour.

STEVE: Oh, I didn’t know they took that long to write. Hey, Jim. I hate to cut this short, but Joe Lieberman is on the line and, you know, he’s really a famous guy.

JIM WEBB: Well, let me say one thing…

STEVE: Senator Lieberman. Let me be the first to offer my condolences on your loss last night.

JOE LIEBERMAN: Well, you definitely are the first to do that, Steve, because, actually I had a pretty impressive victory.

STEVE: Oh, my bad. I was about to suggest that if you were out of work, I think you’d be great as the voice of Elmer Fudd.

JOE LIEBERMAN: (laughing). I’ve heard that before.

STEVE: Senator, I have to apologize because I had made up my questions to ask you based on my belief you had lost. So, can you bear with me.

JOE LIEBERMAN: Steve, you cwazy wabbit. Go ahead.

STEVE: Thanks. How does it feel to have lost?

JOE LIEBERMAN: I’m very thankful to my constituents who believed in me.

STEVE: Have you offered your support to Ned LaBlanc?

JOE LIEBERMAN: That’s Lamont.

STEVE: What’s lamont?

JOE LIEBERMAN: Ned

STEVE: Are we still talking about Ned LaBlanc?

JOE LIEBERMAN: Steve, I really have to go.

STEVE: And, on that note, let’s take a break. I’ll be right back to speak with Governor Mayor Doug Wilder about last night’s tragedization of city council. So, don’t go anywhere. Okay?