Something Spooky in Gloucester

I’m afraid. I’m very afraid. I have just moved to Gloucester Courthouse. Have you ever been there? It’s a quaint little town about an hour east of Richmond. On my first visit there, and even on subsequent visits, I thought it somewhat reminded me of Mayberry.
However, since I’ve moved there, I’m thinking it’s more like one of those small towns you see in the horror movies. In fact, with its rustic charm and backwoodsy feel, I’m going to call my story, “Return to the Village of the Dag-Nabbited.” I don’t like to use the word, “damned.” You know, with the Jeremiah Wright thing so much in everyone’s minds.
Anyway, the more I get to know Gloucester, the more frightened I become. For instance, sometimes I’ll drive through the town square at about 8:00 in the evening. Now, for a small town, by this time you’d expect everyone to be home, in bed. But, in Gloucester, there are cars, many cars, parked along the curb. Nothing so bad in itself, but, there are men walking in somewhat of a zombie-like stupor through town. Maybe there’s some sort of town meeting going on, but I think it’s much more sinister. I truly believe that some sort of Invasion of the Body Snatchers-like alien force is at work here.
My wife and I went in a little sandwich shop the other night. There was an acoustic duo playing and the place was fairly crowded. When we walked in, the duo stopped playing and everyone turned to look at us. But wait! It gets even more frightening. We stand at the counter to order a sandwich and the woman smiles at us with a blank-eyed stare and says, “Sorry, we’re closed.”
“But, it’s not closing time,” I start to say. My wife hushes me up. She is afraid I’ll make a scene. Or, could it be that some human-transforming pod has already overtaken her body? I’m not sure. Anyway, we leave.
Then there’s the newspaper, the Glo-Quips. Now with a name like Glo-Quips itself, I think there is plenty of reason to believe that some alien force is in play here, but since I’m not one to jump to conclusions, I’ll present more evidence and let you decide.
Glo-Quips has to be either a) the worst newspaper in the world; b) an Onion-like satire on newspapers; or c) a devious, cleverly-encrypted collection of coded messages designed to destroy one’s brain cells. I’m picking selection “c” here.
I had written a column on Glo-Quips a couple of years ago. I thought it was just funny the first time I read it, that a newspaper could be written as poorly as this publication. But, I picked up another copy the other day. And, seriously folks, it’s pretty scary.
For one thing, there’s a rant and rave section, where readers can phone in their complaints. These people complain about everything and they don’t mince words. In the latest issue, someone is accusing a post office employee of being a convicted forger. Another caller is suggesting that virtually everyone in the county administration is involved in, or covering up child abuse. One complaint comes from someone who is afraid of a man who walks along Route 17 and talks to people in the Walmart Shopping Center. Hmm, maybe there’s some validity to that one.
But, there’s even more about Glo-Quips that frightens me. For instance, what would you think about a newspaper in a small Virginia town that has a columnist who writes about what a great guy Hitler was? I’m not making this stuff up. I’ll show you the paper if you want. Or, a front page story that is merely about a county employee who showed up for work three sheets to the wind? The biting investigative piece in this issue asked the burning question, "Have you ever eaten green eggs and ham?"
I tell you something is happening in Gloucester...something very, very weird. Scoff if you will. Ridicule me. But, if I suddenly show up missing one day, I hope you’ll remember this. And go get help. My wife is still there, or, at least, that alien pod that looks like her.