Tis The Season, Tisn't It?

So, I'm minding my own business, just sitting at my desk, when the phone rings. You can probably guess who is was. Yep, Lochru the Druid, who for whatever reason only comes out this time of year. He's kind of like the groundhog in Pennsylvania only earlier. Anyway, I answer the phone, and he says, "Steve, can you help me out?"
"Sure," I say, because as everyone who knows me knows, I'm always looking for ways to help people out.
"Well," he continues, "you remember a few weeks ago when I played some of my Druid Carols?"
"Yeah, how could I forget?" I say.
"Well, anyway, I got some complaints."
"What sort of complaints?" I ask my favorite Druid.
"Oh a bunch of people wrote me," he continues, "and said since I'm living in America now, I need to act like Americans."
"And what did you say?" I asked him.
"I asked them if they meant I needed to speak Spanish."
"Quick thinking," I say.
"But that irritated them too," Lochru tells me. "They said that Druidism is yesterday and that I needed to have the Christmas spirit."
"So, what do you think?" I asked him.
"Well, I want to get along," he answers. "So, I did some studying up on Christmas. And, then this morning I was listening to Sid and Melissa on Q-94."
"You listen to Q-94?" I asked incredulously. "I bet you really skew the demographics. What are you, about 500 years old."
"You're too kind," he answers. "Anyway, I was listening to Sid and Melissa talk about a Christmas party they went to last night. And it really helped me to understand what Christmas is all about."
"Well, that's great," I say, "but you asked me for my help...?"
"Yes," Lochru says. "You see, after doing my research and listening to this morning's program, I sat down and wrote a Christmas song."
"I'm sure it's lovely," I say.
"Again, you're too kind," he says. "May I sing it to you so you can share it with your millions of readers?"
"Why not, after all, I am writing the column. I need something to finish it off."
"Okay, here goes," he says. "I call it The 21st Century Christmas Song, and it goes a little something like this..."


Employees puking in the garbage can
They’ve had just too much Christmas cheer.
Tiny tots listening to Q-94
Say, ‘Hey Jesus must really like his beer."

Co-workers hooking up in the ladies room
This Christmas party is really something swell
But if what Pat Robertson says is the truth
Then the Q-94 staff will burn in hell.

This Christmas thing is kinda weird
Is it about baby Jesus
Or this fat guy with a long white beard?
And all the revelers are going to try
To get really drunk but yet not die

And so I’m offering this simple phrase
To all you party goers drinking the 100 proof fluid
Although it’s never been said
At any time or in any way
You’d all be better off if you were Druids

When Lochru finished his song, I wiped a tear from my eye and hung up.