I went out to dinner the other night. I know that’s not really exciting information. But, I did…just my wife and I. We picked a nice, quiet, little sushi place. I was really more in an American seafood meal mood, but the seafood restaurant nearby has live music and rowdy guests and I didn’t want a lot of commotion.
We go in and much to my delight, there’s only one other couple, an older couple, dining in the restaurant. It may not have been to the delight of the restaurant owner, but it delighted me.
This other couple was rather nondescript, bland, if you will, and I would, if I were you. Even better, I thought. What didn’t register was that this bland couple was sitting at a table for about ten to twelve persons. You know what? There was a reason for that.
They were expecting company. Right after my wife and I ordered, about a dozen of the noisiest, most obnoxious people storm in. Apparently one woman in the noisy group knew the couple. But, nobody else knew each other. So, the next thing you know everyone is introducing everyone else. They’re all milling around, actually breathing right over my miso soup. I don’t like people breathing over my food. I don’t even breathe over my food.
At the onset of this attack, I didn’t realize that my wife and I were in the presence of greatness. In fact, it probably took about five minutes before I became fully aware of just who was in this party sitting right next to us.
I don’t know the guy’s name, but undoubtedly, he has to be the crown prince of obnoxious. This guy, about 45 or so started loudly telling everyone, including my wife and me indirectly, about his many wonderful trips and excursions. He flew here, he flew there. He bought boats. He has houses all over, and, I’m sure he also has the world’s largest hemorrhoids. He didn’t mention that last part, but I’m pretty sure I’m right about that.
Now, I could have started loudly telling my wife about my fabulous trip to China last fall. But, did I? Nope. I’m too refined, too humble, too classy. This guy wasn’t refined, humble or classy. He was a bore with a capital “B.”
What do you want to bet he’s not married?” I ask my wife. No sooner had I said it, than the guy made some derogatory comment about his ex-wife. “I knew it!” I shouted. I must have shouted a little loudly, for just for a moment, the guy got quiet and everyone looked over at my table. The guy just glared. I had interrupted a tale of a voyage to Tobago or someplace that sounds like that.
I swear, if droning on endlessly about oneself is a crime, the SWAT team would have surrounded this restaurant and started hurling tear gas. I finally got so tired of it, I started, rather loudly, telling my wife about all the acclaim and honor I’m getting from these blogs. And, yes, I loudly proclaimed, it’s paying a pretty good penny.
I don’t think my wife was overly impressed. Sometimes talking about how great you are to someone who knows how great you ain’t isn’t all that impressive. But, I’m sure at least some of the revelers at the other table were becoming aware of my many accolades.
Finally, I gave the waitress my credit card and my wife and I prepared to leave. There was only one more thing that would make this night complete. Within minutes the waitress returned, and in a voice loud enough for all in the restaurant to hear, proclaimed that my card had been declined.
Have you ever slithered out of a restaurant on your belly? It ain’t easy.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
The Daily News With S. Carter Cook
My thinking is that if I can use this space from time to time to rather eloquently present the daily news, perhaps CBS will give Katie the boot, and offer me the news anchor position. Admittedly, I may be mistaken in believing that this could happen. But, I'll not let that possibility dampen my ever-growing enthusiasm that I'm New York City bound. So, with that said, here is my look at the daily news:
The top story in most of the media this morning has to do with some speech President Bush gave last night. All I can say is "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." I wasn't paying that much attention. I think it had to do with illegal irrigation. Hey, who cares? Maybe some farm workers, but that's about all. So, let's deal with stories that you folks are really interested in. Moving forward...
Dateline The Netherlands - Excitement at a zoo in Amsterdam Sunday when several sloth bears chased down a monkey, mauled it and ate it in front of horrified visitors. Word out of Richmond's City Hall confirms that Mayor Governor Doug Wilder will be heading to Amsterdam shortly. Wilder is quoted as saying, "As God is my witness, I'll see to it that those bears get a fair trial." Wilder went on to say that while visitors may have been "tragedized by the tragedy," there is no reason to brand the bears as "wild animals."
When asked to comment on the rash of alligator attacks in Florida over the past week, Wilder stated that unlike bears, alligators are known to have a disposition towards serial killings. "They don't have my sympathy," the mayor-governor said.
The question out of Durham is did the stripper turned alleged rape victim really meet the Forker? Dave Forker Evans who became the third Duke lacrosse team player charged with rape says he is absolutely innocent. Evans, who attended a private academy where he excelled in the sport prior to going to Duke, says he is absolutely innocent of all charges. To prove that he must be innocent he points to the fact that he was polite to the police officers. His mother, Rae Evans, chairperson (shhh, make that chairwoman) of the LPGA board of directors says, "My son is a good boy, and besides that girl is bla...uh, never mind."
Presidential advisor, Karl Rove, said Monday that President Bush's job approval rating is low because of the Iraq war. How did he figure that one out? Gee, I just wish I could be that smart.
That big phone company, BellSouth, said Monday that despite claims to the contrary, it never gave any phone records to the National Security Agency in the NSA's efforts to combat terrorism. Of course the corporation has also stated publicly that it didn't overcharge me for a long distance call in November of 1982, and that a problem I was having must be in my phone and wasn't their responsiblity.
Accuweather chief forecaster, Joe Bastardi (I swear I'm not making that name up) said Monday that three major hurricanes would hit the United States in 2006. Bastardi refused to say exactly when and where the hurricanes would hit. If you ask me, he's not as cooperative as Dave Forker Evans. Maybe someone should check his DNA.
A major shopping mall for Eastern Henrico? Apparently so. Henrico County supervisor, James Donati, made the announcement yesterday. Donati said the huge Short-Pump-Town-Center-like mall would be anchored by a major check cashing service, along with a TV rental giant, and a big-name hair-straightening parlor.
And that's the news. Katie, bar the door because New York, here I come.
The top story in most of the media this morning has to do with some speech President Bush gave last night. All I can say is "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." I wasn't paying that much attention. I think it had to do with illegal irrigation. Hey, who cares? Maybe some farm workers, but that's about all. So, let's deal with stories that you folks are really interested in. Moving forward...
Dateline The Netherlands - Excitement at a zoo in Amsterdam Sunday when several sloth bears chased down a monkey, mauled it and ate it in front of horrified visitors. Word out of Richmond's City Hall confirms that Mayor Governor Doug Wilder will be heading to Amsterdam shortly. Wilder is quoted as saying, "As God is my witness, I'll see to it that those bears get a fair trial." Wilder went on to say that while visitors may have been "tragedized by the tragedy," there is no reason to brand the bears as "wild animals."
When asked to comment on the rash of alligator attacks in Florida over the past week, Wilder stated that unlike bears, alligators are known to have a disposition towards serial killings. "They don't have my sympathy," the mayor-governor said.
The question out of Durham is did the stripper turned alleged rape victim really meet the Forker? Dave Forker Evans who became the third Duke lacrosse team player charged with rape says he is absolutely innocent. Evans, who attended a private academy where he excelled in the sport prior to going to Duke, says he is absolutely innocent of all charges. To prove that he must be innocent he points to the fact that he was polite to the police officers. His mother, Rae Evans, chairperson (shhh, make that chairwoman) of the LPGA board of directors says, "My son is a good boy, and besides that girl is bla...uh, never mind."
Presidential advisor, Karl Rove, said Monday that President Bush's job approval rating is low because of the Iraq war. How did he figure that one out? Gee, I just wish I could be that smart.
That big phone company, BellSouth, said Monday that despite claims to the contrary, it never gave any phone records to the National Security Agency in the NSA's efforts to combat terrorism. Of course the corporation has also stated publicly that it didn't overcharge me for a long distance call in November of 1982, and that a problem I was having must be in my phone and wasn't their responsiblity.
Accuweather chief forecaster, Joe Bastardi (I swear I'm not making that name up) said Monday that three major hurricanes would hit the United States in 2006. Bastardi refused to say exactly when and where the hurricanes would hit. If you ask me, he's not as cooperative as Dave Forker Evans. Maybe someone should check his DNA.
A major shopping mall for Eastern Henrico? Apparently so. Henrico County supervisor, James Donati, made the announcement yesterday. Donati said the huge Short-Pump-Town-Center-like mall would be anchored by a major check cashing service, along with a TV rental giant, and a big-name hair-straightening parlor.
And that's the news. Katie, bar the door because New York, here I come.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
