A Lesson in Stupidity

People often approach me on the street. "Steve," they'll say, "there are so many stupid things going on in the world today." I usually agree with them. Then they'll ask me, "Steve, what sorts of things do you think are stupid?"
I'm not quite sure why so many people hang on my every thought. Maybe it's charisma. Or maybe I'm simply on some egomaniacal fantasy trip. If that's the deal, it has been a good ride. But, whatever the case, I'll be glad to share with you what sort of things I think are stupid.
Speaking of fantasy, which we kind of were, I think fantasy football leagues are really stupid. I know other sports have them as well, but it seems that the fantasy football folks really create this imaginary world and move right in, lock, stock, and barrel. The fantasy fans are so fanatical that there are radio programs on the sports channels devoted to how your fantasy teams are doing.Grown ups call these shows and really talk about how their teams are doing. People! You don't own a team. You probably don't even own a TV. You're stupid.
Now, I'm not totally putting this sort of fantasy thing down. When I was a kid, I had my own fantasies. I probably shouldn't talk about it, but, what the heck. When I was in my teens, I created a fantasy TV network. I created programs, made up schedules, cancelled shows, etc. Then I created a TV star who got mad at me for cancelling his show and killed me. That kind of put an end to my fantasy.
I really wish someone would explain this fantasy football craze. It sounds like grown ups playing dolls, but then maybe I'm just a very stupid man. That has been suggested on more than one occasion.
By the way, have any of you ever been attacked by a crazed archaeologist? I can't talk about it here, but call me sometime and I'll tell you a horror story, the likes of which you've probably never even imagined in your worst nightmares.
But, back to stupid...I think the shoelaces they make today are stupid. I bought a pair of black dress shoes. They're quite unstylish, just plain, black shoes with flat fronts. The shoelaces that came with them could be used to lace up army boots. I'm guessing each shoelace is about six feet long. When I tie them in a regular way, the non-bow end hangs down to the ground. I'm constantly stepping on them. I probably have to tie my shoes fifteen to twenty times a day. I never enter a building without first leaning up against the wall and sneaking in a quick tie.
The only way to keep the dangly ends from dangling too low is to tie bows that are so big that when I enter a room, people think I'm kicking two black gift-wrapped packages into the room in front of me. I could double knot, but that scares me. I'm afraid I'll create some sort of nuclear knot that can't be undone.
Is there some new law that shoelaces have to be so long? I thought that maybe the Romanians who manufactured my elegant shoes just chose the wrong size laces, so I went to the grocery store the other day and bought some new shoelaces. The sign on the rack said I was buying classic shoelaces, as opposed to the sports shoelaces they also sold in the store.
Now, if you had a pair of boring dress shoes, the kind really bland old men wear, wouldn't you think that "classic" would be the correct designation...especially if your only other choice was "sport?" Yeah, me too. But my new shoelaces are even longer than the original laces. I could easily lace up a straight jacket with them, which, if I have to keep stopping and tying my shoes, I will need.
I'm such a pathetic sight, that people on the street will stop and offer to tie my shoes for me. Do I look that old, decrepit, senile, or, yes, stupid? I'll go into important business appointments and everyone in the office or restaurant or wherever, will stop what they’re doing and stare at my shoes.
I guess with those long strings flapping with my every step, it might look as if I came into the room hoping to rope a calf or two. And, then when I stop, I invariably step on one of the dangler ends. Then, when I start to move, I’ll lift the foot that’s anchored to the ground by my other foot pressing on the shoelace. What happens is that I’ll start to move and trip over myself. I do that constantly. I really think the shoelace people are stupid.
There’s another group of people I think are stupid. I label them as “Everyone else on the highway except me.” Sadly, it’s gotten to the point that no one knows how to drive anymore. Like, what’s with these idiots who’ll drive right up on your bumper and flash their lights at you when you’re in the passing lane and already going ten miles over the speed limit?
And, what’s wrong with these idiots in front of me who are only going seven miles over the speed limit...in the passing lane. And, why are they so stupid that when I flash my lights they don’t know what I’m saying. Don’t both of these groups of fools know that ten miles over the limit is the new speed limit? I mean come on people...wise up and get with the program.
There are a lot of other stupid things I could talk about if space permitted. I could go on all day about restaurant servers who’ll vacuum under your feet while you’re still eating. I’ll save them for another day. On a similar note, how about those McDonald brainiacs who turn the soft serve machine off a half hour before closing time in order to start cleaning it? Now, that’s stupid. If the store closes at 11:00 PM, I should be able to order anything I want up until that moment. Who cares if they have to wait for me to enjoy my cone before they can start cleaning? Not I.
And one more thing, what’s with archaeologists today? Are they stupid or what? Oh yeah, I can’t talk about that here. Never mind.