Take My Advice, Please

I love giving advice. I especially like it when someone asks for my advice. But, even when they don’t (and they usually don’t), I still love giving it. The amazing thing about me is that I can give advice on subjects about which I know absolutely nothing.
You have a medical problem? Ask me what I would do. I’ll be glad to tell you in great detail what you should do.
Or, perhaps you’re facing a legal issue. Maybe your entire future is at stake. Come to me, or just write, if you prefer. I’ll tell you exactly what you should do. Now, I do offer this disclaimer, if you follow my advice and end up in jail, then that’s probably because you didn’t do exactly as I said.
But, whatever, the results of following my advice are not my responsibility. If you do go to jail, though, let me know. I think I have some neat ideas as to how to break out. I have not tested these, but still, I’m pretty sure, they’re good ideas.
If you take my advice and try to break out, and you end up getting shot as you make your escape, give me a call. I also have some ideas as to where you could go to have a bullet removed.
Or, better yet, come see me. I’m pretty sure I know how to remove a bullet. And I would love having the opportunity to experiment with my bullet-removal ideas.
I really wish the marketing folks at McDonald’s had come to me for advice before spending millions of dollars marketing a new product. They’re calling it a Snack Wrap. Looks good on paper, but if you’re listening to a radio ad, or hear it on TV (when you’re not actually looking at the screen), all you hear is that McDonald’s is now offering Snack Crap. Oh, if you people would just take my advice.
My whole point here is that I have ideas. My brain is like some non-stop sponge-like organ.
I’ve said all that as a way of explaining why I’m offering advice to aliens (more of the Martian than the Mexican variety) as to how to take over the world. This does not mean that I want an alien race to take over the world, but I think I have a pretty good idea of how to go about doing it.
If an alien came to me and asked what he should do to dominate Earth, the first thing I’d want to know is how much time does he have. I have a sure-fire plan but it would take about four generations (human life span) to get it done. So, if the alien didn’t have a lifespan of at least a couple hundred of our earth-years, it wouldn’t do him any good to listen to me.
But, since you’re here, reading this blog, I’m guessing I have your interest and you would like to know how to take over the world. I will share my secret, but I’m asking you not to try this at home.
Okay, here is my four-generation program for world domination.
First generation – fill with wars and economic hardship. Have this generation grow up knowing what it’s like to do without. Then, at about the age this generation starts to have children, bring about vastly improved living conditions.
Second generation – make this a generation that is given everything on a silver platter because their parents “don’t want my children to do without all the things I had to do without.” Create an environment where material things matter most…an environment where both parents feel they have to work, or want to work so as to get those things.
Third generation – is raised by the second generation. This generation should be almost completely abandoned, with the parents spending only a few minutes a week actually talking to and instructing their children. Of course, those few minutes would be quality time and really, isn’t that all that matters? The third generation should be spoon fed large doses of violent and/or immoral entertainment so that by the time they have kids, they’ll have absolutely no idea what real values are all about.
Fourth generation - Will grow up almost totally brain dead. At that point, the aliens can take over. The kids' parents won’t even notice. After that, it’s just a matter of the aliens doing as they please.
Now, this is just theory, of course. I’m not promising any of you aliens out there that it will work. But, I feel pretty confident there’s some usable stuff in here.
One more piece of advice, again to aliens…if you only have one generation – create a cable TV system that’s “All Jerry Springer, All The Time.”