Help Me Make It Through The Write

A letter poured in the other day from little Jimmy Melmer in Mechanicsville. Jimmy writes:

Steve, you have to be in your mid-thirties by now. And yet, your writing is better than ever. How do you do it?

Just to interrupt for a moment, at this point in the letter I was beaming with pride. But, Jimmy continued…

Are you using any performance enhancing substances?

Now my first reaction was to deny it. But, taking a page from the Roger Clemens playbook, I have decided to come clean. I guess I owe my gratitude to little Jimmy in Mechanicsville. I have been using performance enhancing substances, and, I think I’ll feel much better after I confess it all to you. The way I look at it, it's either you or Congress. And I'll pick you. So, here goes:

First, I’m using coffee. This caffeine thing is absolutely mind boggling. Sometimes I come in to work and I’m mad at the world. Nothing seems right. Then I have a cup of coffee and all of a sudden it’s a new day. The sun is shining, and I’m positively radiant.
You may have wondered what gives me that bright Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm attitude. It’s coffee.
But, I haven’t limited myself to coffee. There are other little “tricks” that I use to enhance my performance. There is one substance, which, interestingly is available over the counter at Walgreens. It’s powerful, so if you choose to use, I’d advise you to proceed with caution. I’ll admit, my years of using this substance have played havoc with my health and well-being, but emotionally and mentally, it has made me the man I am today.
Yes, I feel a little awkward going public with all this, but little Jimmy Melmer, and his child-like innocence, has helped me find, deep within my personal recesses, the strength to admit my substance abuse.
Anyway, I have, for several years, been addicted to a little treat that I discovered several years ago. Harmful? Yes, I suppose. Mind-altering? Definitely! I hope you won’t think less of me when you hear my full confession, but here goes.
I’m hooked on Peeps. I don’t care whether they’re heart-shaped and pink, or little yellow bunny rabbits. Give me a Peep and I’ll ingest it. I had gotten up to three packs a day, but because I was destroying my health, I have slowed down.
I would like to think that often I’ve done my best work while under the influence of Peeps. I know that, like caffeine, when I’m down and out,
When I’m on the street,
When evening falls so hard
Peeps will comfort me.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
Peeps will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
Peeps will lay me down.

You see? Do you see how Peeps inspire me? As I say, I do my best work with a Peep in me.

So, there you have it. Yes, little Jimmy Melmer, you nosy little brat, you got it out of me. Are you happy? Here, let me have a sip of coffee. Good. I hope you’re happy, li’l fellow, because I sure am. Thanks for your kind letter. Now, let me get back to the ol’ typewriter.