As A Matter of Fact, I Am Crazy, Thank You Very Much

I heard a report on the news yesterday that the percentage of Americans with some type of mental disorder is higher than ever before. I think the number was about 25%, but it may have been even higher. And, according to the American Mental Health Association, more than 54 million Americans suffer from some sort of mental disorder each year. Which means, that if you're not crazy yet, just stick around. You will be.
I'm sure part of the problem is that we do live in a stress-filled world, but I think there is an even bigger reason that so many of us are having mental issues. I've given this topic a lot of thought, at least four or five hours of thinking about it. And, now, I'm ready to reveal my conclusion. The main reason so many Americans have a mental disorder is that the American Mental Health Association keeps inventing new mental disorders.
For instance, did you know that in addition to low self esteem disorder, one can now have high self esteem disorder. In the good old days, that person was just an ego-maniac. Now, I guess, he's a full-blown maniac. There's also something known as Asperger's Disorder. It's a disorder typified by "nutty professor" characteristics. Here's how the folks at AMHA (American Mental Health Association) describe that disorder: "This character is not good with social clues, missing some aspects of 'common sense,' shows strange aspects of posture or gait - but is brilliant in some scientific of mathematical kinds of focus."
If that's a disorder, then I'm sure there are many other characteristics of people who think they're sane, that really indicate a mental disorder. I've got several disorders myself. I'll list a few. Keep in mind the names I give to the disorders have not been officially approved by the AMHA (American Mental Health Association) yet. Here they are:
Abbreviation Phobia: This is a condition that requires the sufferer to always explan (often parenthetically) what the abbreviation he has just used in his column stands for. Usually an Abbreviation Phobia sufferer also suffers from Hyper Parentheses Usage Disorder. He (or she) feels compelled to overexplain (in written form, usually) what he (or she) is trying to say (in his or her column). I know some really pathetic people who suffer from these two disorders.
Here's another: Projectile Spittle Obsession Disorder. These sufferers are unable to concentrate on anything else once the spittle of the person with whom they are speaking is projected onto their faces. If someone suffering from PSOD (Projectile Spittle Obsession Disorder) is the recipient of even the tiniest piece of spit, that said piece of spit burns on his (or her) skin until he (or she) can wipe it off. The sufferer is unable to engage in any further conversation from the moment the spit hits the face. Even after subtly removing the spit, he feels phantom spit burning into his skin for several hours.
I think I have time for one more disorder. Tee Shirt in Public Disorder. These sufferers are generally fat, overweight males. They suffer from an unreasonable fear that should they go out in public wearing nothing but a t-shirt (of course, they are wearing pants), that someone will make fun of their excessive fat. These sufferers know that no decent human would ever make fun of them, but reasonableness is not a trait found in the TSiPD (Tee Shirt in Public Disorder) sufferer. If, by some weird chance, this sufferer is teased about his or her flab, it is highly unlikely that he will ever recover. PS TO CERTAIN CO-WORKERS: Read the previous sentence carefully.
As you can see, there are any number of disorders that plague us Americans. We are a crazy lot. Of course, the worst disorder is one I like to call MATTMI disorder. That, of course, is Making Americans Think They're Mentally Ill disorder. And there are a whole bunch of these sufferers. You can find them at the AMHA (American Mental Health Association).