The Gift of Gabby Hayes

I'm going through a three-quarter-life crisis. It's too late to be a mid-life one. I have been analyzing my life and virtually everything I ever wanted to be or do I haven't been or done. I know all kids, or at least most kids, set rather lofty goals as to what they want to be when they grow up. I didn't want to be a doctor. My father was a doctor and he was always rushing out of the house at all hours saving lives. Too inconvenient for me. Just a quick aside, I do wonder at what point in life does a person decide, "Hey, I want to be a proctologist." Not that we don't need proctologists. I just wonder if there's a turning point, where certain people know that's their calling in life. It would have been my luck to spend years in medical school and then get such a calling.
I also didn't want to be a movie star. What I wanted to be was a sidekick. I loved sidekicks. Andy Devine was one of my favorites. He was Jingles on Wild Bill Hickock. Remember? His voice sounded like he had swallowed a curtain rod, which is what my mother told me he had done. I don't know if that was true or not. My mother tended to make things up when she didn't have the facts, or just to scare me. For instance, it wasn't until I was in my twenties that it finally dawned on me that playing with a rubber band couldn't hardly put your eye out. She always swore she knew a kid that that had happened to.
But the very best sidekick ever was Gabby Hayes. I think I could have made a pretty good Gabby Hayes. I could, and still can, say "Dag nab it," so perfectly, that you'd swear Hayes had risen from his grave and was speaking.
That's the only impersonation I could ever really master. I thought about getting up a lounge act doing impersonations. That was another goal of mine, but with the inability to really do anything other than "dag nab i," I felt my range was just a little too limited. I know that personally, I wouldn't want to spend twenty bucks to hear someone come on stage and say, "Dag nab it," and then exit. So, I felt that it wouldn't be fair for me to do that.
I have worked on a few other impersonations, but just don't have them down all that well. I can do a great Lauren Bacall doing an impersonation of Mr. Ed. "Wilburrrrr!" Somehow impersonations just don't translate that well in print, but try doing Lauren Bacall doing Mr. Ed at home. It may not be as good as mine, but at least you'll get the idea.
I can also do John Wayne, but only for the one word..."Pilgrim." Again, it's hard to pull off a really dazzling performance with just a few words.
But, back to the sidekick idea. I would have pursued that, but I could tell, as early as twenty five years ago that sidekicks were a dying breed. The last really true sidekick was Ed McMahon. By the way, I can say, "Ohhhhhhahhhh," like him, at least it sounds somewhat like him.
There just aren't any good sidekicks anymore. I don't really consider Robin a sidekick to Batman. He's more like an apprentice. Gabby Hayes is dead and gone, and there's no one who can replace him. True, I can say "Dag nab it," but I could never duplicate his beard. I'm just too hairless. If I shave on Monday, I get Thursday shadow. And, a really good western movie sidekick has to have a beard.
There are other goals I had, that for one reason or another I had to abandon along this meandering highway I like to call "life." Maybe I'll tell you more about that tomorrow. Or, possibly, in keeping with my true character, I may decide not to bother with it. Or, I may have packed up and run off with the circus. Oops, I guess I kind of gave away one of my lifelong ambitions. But, if I'm still around, we'll talk tomorrow. Maybe.