I Only Complain As a Last Resort

You know how much I hate to complain. But sometimes things happen that force me to air my grievances. For instance, my wife and I spent a couple of nights in a relatively nice hotel recently. Actually, it is a very resort-like facility. You’d think that I wouldn’t be able to find anything about which to complain. Think again.
This resort, like so many of the upscale hotels, are using so-called environmental issues as an excuse to not have to do laundry. You probably know what I’m talking about.

They have this little sign in the bathroom. It reads something like this:

In an effort to conserve the natural resources of this big dying planet, earth, we will only wash towels if you demand it. Now, if you don’t care if our home becomes uninhabitable…if you’re all in favor of seeing you and your family dead, then go ahead and put your towels in the basket, and begrudgingly, we’ll wash them. If you, on the other hand, want to see your kids grow up, we’d suggest you just keep using the same towels day in and day out.

Now, normally, I’ll use the same towel at home for a year or more. After all, I reason, it’s only used to dry off my already clean body, so why replace it? But, there’s something about going to a hotel that makes me want to use a fresh towel every day. In fact, I’d like them to come in and replace the towel after I dry my back and before I dry the front side.
So, I throw all caution to the wind and throw my towel in the basket. Actually, I don’t. I just throw my towel on the floor. That’s another perk of staying in a hotel. You can toss your towels anywhere you wish, and then walk all over them. And, voila, the next day, you have clean towels neatly folded on the rack.
This hotel also has an aversion to changing sheets. I’m wondering how many other guys may have been lying under the same sheets as I, just because none of us took the time to take the “Change the Sheets” card and place it at a 45 degree angle on the desk. Because if you don’t do that, the same ol’ sheets go right back on the bed. Pretty disgusting, eh?
There was something else I didn’t like about my hotel room…horseshoe toilet lids. You know the sit down/stand up lid? I like my lid to go all the way around. I never understood this open-ended lid mentality. My biggest concern is that it provides some wanna be sharpshooters too much of a temptation to try and do the job without lifting the lid.
I hate lifting the lid in a public restroom as much as the next guy. In fact, I’d say if there was one real benefit to being a woman, it’s that you never have to lift the lid. But, my good manners move me to always lift the lid. Oops, I guess I’ve kind of gotten off the subject at hand.
There were other things I didn’t especially care for at this so-called resort. For instance, they use that stupid faucet in the shower that is designed to scald you. You’ve probably seen them. It’s almost impossible to tell which end is the pointer. Is the fool thing pointing to hot or pointing to off?
I always choose the wrong way, and I always get burned. I know the inventor of this faucet is a sadist. I hope he’s getting his jollies knowing what he’s done to me, on more than one occasion.
And, one more thing I didn’t like…The hotel has these really fancy white bath robes you can put on. I never wear robes, unless I’m staying in a hotel that has them. There’s something just kinda luxuriant about the whole thing.
However, the hotel has a little card hung up by the robes that says, “Luxurious to wear, Soft to hold. If it leaves the room, Consider it sold."
What’s with that? They don’t put similar warnings on the TV or the lamps or the chairs, or even the pillows. Obviously the robes are not like the shower caps. No one is his or her right mind would think they’re a giveaway item. I think it’s just sad that people pay big bucks to spend the night in this resort and then they’re made to feel like a criminal.
Hey, if I wanted to be treated like a criminal, I’d go to Sam’s Club. Anyway, I wrote a card of my own which I hung up next to the robes. It read:
"Scratchy to my skin. Puts me in a bad mood. If I get a rash, Consider yourself sued."
Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
Anyway, my mini-vacation is over. I’m back home. And now I have nothing about which to complain. But, don’t worry. I’ll think of something.