Wait Problems

I got up early this morning and watched my DVR’d latest episode of 24. The show is pretty good, but Jack Bauer really does live in an alternate universe. In the real world, nothing happens that quickly. For instance, in the latest hour episode, Jack saves his ex-girlfriend, Audrey. Audrey is totally whacked out due to Chinese drug-induced brainwashing techniques. But, within five minutes, Jack has brought her back to reality, at least close enough to help the good guys.
So many things have happened in this one day of the current season’s shows. Jack has been shot or shot at on at least four or five occasions. His brother has been murdered by his father; he’s cut off innumerable fingers (not his, those of friends and enemies), and he still goes on. Wow! I’m impressed.
What I’d like to see Jack accomplish within a matter of hours, though, are such mundane things as getting his driving record straightened out at DMV. At least three hours of programming would have to be devoted to him sitting in his little kindergarten chair watching numbers flash on the screens, while DMV workers visit with one another, drink coffee, and occasionally scowl at the people who pay their salaries.
In Jack Bauer’s world, he can capture a Middle Eastern terrorist, a Russian spy, and an American traitor in less time than I can get my cell phone customer service rep to correct an error on my bill. And, in less time than it takes me to stop fuming over poor service from that rep, Jack has recovered from having spent the past year being tortured by those rascally Chinese.
Now, Jack Bauer could probably get better service at DMV than I because I’m willing to bet that if his number wasn’t called within the first three minutes, he’d be removing fingers from an insolent clerk. Of course, if he had to stop at Food Lion and pick up a makeshift finger remover (maybe a garlic press), then he’d never even make it to DMV within that hour’s episode.
Food Lion management has some sort of policy about constantly moving items. On one visit, the garlic presses might be with other kitchen utensils, but on the next, it could easily have been moved over to diapers and baby food. And, while I’m talking about baby food, have you noticed how Food Lion keeps baby formula under lock and key. I went in the other night, spent about 30 minutes perusing the baby stuff aisle and finally gave up. When I asked where the baby formula might be, the assistant manager told me that it was up front. When I got up front and asked about the formula, a sales clerk got out a wad of keys and started unlocking this cabinet. I don’t think the Hope Diamond is any more closely guarded. After I made my selection, the clerk wouldn’t hand me the formula. I had to walk around to the check out area and pay for the formula before I was allowed to hold it. Let Jack Bauer deal with stuff like that.
Once he found his garlic press, he would then have to get in line. And, if he got behind the folks I get behind, there goes another hour episode. Here's a warning. If you're standing in line at the checkout in a grocery store, and the person in front of you is holding coupons, leave the store. You'll never get served...at least not until the clerk has had to double check each coupon against the receipt to ensure that the coupon user got full credit. Then the coupon user will want to take the coupons back and closely inspect each one to make sure he isn't somehow being cheated. There are no coupon users on 24. And in Jack Bauer's world there are no price checks at counter twelve. Everything goes smoothly, even major obstacles are cleared away within minutes. I mean look how quickly Powers Booth recovered from learning that his girl friend was sleeping with the enemy. Why can't things go that easily in my world?
Truth be told, a real-life Jack Bauer, as good as he might be at diving out of windows and torturing the bad guys, would never make it in the real world. Sadly enough, we can’t go around punching people in the gut because they don’t give us the answers we seek immediately. How easy it would be, if,after waiting a half hour at DMV, to just dive right through the plate glass window and leave. But we, the real heroes of the world, have to sit there and be ignored until our number is called.
Jack Bauer is a wimp, when you think about it. He can’t do anything unless he has a gun. And, if he doesn’t have one, he’ll knock someone out, or do as he did this week, put the ol’ Johnny Weaver sleeper hold on Ricky Shroeder. And, if you don’t know who Johnny Weaver is, you’re either too young or too intellectual to be reading my column.
How nice it would be to be able to save the world, save our loved one, resolve personal issues, help a friend overcome alcoholism, disarm a bomb, cut off an ear, and kick a few folks in the groin, all within 24 hours...and never even get our hair mussed. But, in real life, it just ain’t that way. Every hour of Jack Bauer’s life is filled with daring exploits. Sometimes it takes me that long just to find my car keys.