I'm Taking a Risk Just Writing This

The Center for Disease Control recently issued a list of high-risk activities. The only problem with their list is that it's too obvious. Most of us don't need to be told that playing with guns is high risk. It's like when your mother tells you not to run with scissors in your hand, particularly if you're holding the scissors just an inch from your eyeball while you're running. That's an obvious high-risk.
As a public service, I've compiled my own list of high-risk activities, but these are, perhaps, not so obvious. Nonetheless, if you commit them to memory and strive to avoid these activities, I think you'll have a better life. I'm listing these in no particular order. I say this in case you're thinking this is like one of David Letterman's top ten lists, which gets funnier as it's counted down. I don't do count-downs, and I definitely don't get funnier as I continue. If you're not laughing uproariously by this point, you've probably missed your opportunity. Anyway, with that said, here's my list of high-risk activities:

10 - (okay, I will count down) Supporting any project that could make downtown Richmond a more vibrant, exciting city. Heaven help you if you're in favor of a ball park in Shockoe Bottom. In fact, it would appear from recent comments by certain groups, that supporting a ball park in the bottom is tantamount to supporting the Ku Klux Klan. If you, in your heart, believe a baseball stadium would help downtown Richmond, whatever you do, don't let anyone know how you feel.

9 - On a somewhat related note, being in favor of anything that Mayor Governor Wilder is against is high risk. That goes for ball parks, performing arts centers, and virtually anything else. If you're involved in local politics, you really should consult with the Mayor before formulating any opinions.

8 - Eating at any of Shoney's weekly "Salute to Grease" Buffets. I, for one, have been tempted by that food-like appearance of the buffet on more than one occasion, and virtually every time, I've paid dearly. While just gouging at a Shoney's buffet is high risk, there's an even more daring, risky endeavor. Which leads me to...

7 - Eating at any of Shoney's weekly "Salute to Grease" Buffets, and then getting in the car and heading into an I-64 traffic jam. Regardless of my wife's contention that Depends are the solution to life's problems, this is not a risk I am willing to take.

6 - Which reminds me, another risky endeavor is mentioning my wife in my columns. Fortunately, she seldom reads them. And, if you even half-way want to see me alive again, please don't mention this one to her.

5 - Be careful about storing the toothpaste and the Preparation H in the same drawer. Not only does Preparation H not have that minty-fresh taste I so enjoy, but I think my gums are shrinking.

4 - This is high-risk in our office. Maybe you have had the same experience. Don't get too comfortable in the "washroom" until you make sure that some thoughtless co-worker has not left the room paperless. If it wasn't for the fact that we keep a copy of the latest Chesterfield Living Magazine in there, I'd have really been up the creek without a paddle (so to speak).

3 - Think twice before accepting an invitation from a friend you haven't seen since high school, who corners you and insists you join him for a casual meeting at a local hotel to learn about a great marketing opportunity. (Can you spell/smell pyramid?)

2 - You also may find it wise not to accept an invitation from the 300-pound moron who works in the office, when he asks you to don one of those inflated sumo-wrestler suits andjoin him in a pseudo wrestling match at the company picnic. There's nothing pseudo about being body-slammed on the parking lot.

1- Drinking any milk with lumps in it. Don't reason that it's probably as safe for you as is cottage cheese. It isn't.