Oops.

You know, we Virginians love our animals. We have all sorts of horrible things going on all around us, but the thing that seems to create the most attention are those pesky zoo animals. First we had the Maymont bear tragedy that tragedized the entire city, as Mayor Governor Wilder put it. And now we have the Mill Mountain Monkey mess.
And, according to the folks at the Roanoke children's zoo, it wasn't just Virginians, it was the entire world...waiting, worrying, wondering about Oops, the mischevious monkey that (who) escaped from the zoo recently. Mill Mountain Zoo evidently saw a huge increase in visitors to their website, which got me to thinking. My genius machine is up and running 24/7, so to speak.
You see, we've been trying to think of ways to increase traffic to our websites (westendsbestonline.com and chesterfieldlivingonline.com). It seems that my sparkling commentary is simply not enough. Go figure.
Anyway, I'm thinking we ought to get us some sort of an animal and let it escape and run amok in Richmond, terrorizing the populace and driving up website visits. Now it can't be something like a bear because if it were to kill anyone, our insurance rates would sky rocket.
I'm thinking, with a tip of the cap to Mill Mountain, that maybe we should get us some sort of monkey-type animal...perhaps Freddie, the Fecal-Flinging Chimp. It has a nice ring to it. And while fecal flinging is terrorizing, I don't think that many people have died from it. That should make the national news. I bet even Greta Van Whatever would want in on that story. We could let Freddie loose down in the VCU area so that everyday the feces would hit the Fan. Of course, there are some who would say (not I, of course) that this happens every week when the latest Style Weekly is published.
Maybe we can give the local folks an option...either you start going to our websites regularly or we get us a monkey. I have to admit that as a non-pet person, I'm not crazy about monkeys. They're cute, but don't you think they're just a little too cute? Monkeys are probably the most egotistical animals I know. I mean, you'd have to be pretty egotistical to hurl your waste at others.
Cats are more egoists than egotists. In other words, a cat pretty much thinks all other life forms, including humans, are just here to cater to its needs.
Monkeys,on the other hand, want everyone to see how cute they are, how clever. Why do you think monkeys go around impersonating humans? Because they know humans will ooh and ahh over them. Really, if you just ignored them, they'd probably just give up and go back to being monkeys.
I have kind of wandered all over the place here. It's just that the more I think about monkeys, the more steamed I get. I can just imagine how impressed Oops was with himself...at least until that tranquilizer dart hit him. And if he finds out that people from as far away as Australia were calling Mill Mountain Zoo to find out how he was doing, it would go straight to his ugly little monkey head.
And, I bet you that Mill Mountain Zoo will have an increase in visitors because everyone is so concerned about poor little Oops. Hey, I went 24 hours without anyone knowing where I was once, and no one even realized I was missing. I can run around and scratch my chest. I can peel bananas with my feet, but does anyone care?
I'm going to find out. Forget about getting a monkey. I have a better way to drive traffic to our website. Starting today, STEVE COOK IS MISSING. Oops, he was here just a minute ago. What's happened to him? To find out go to our website. And, if our traffic doesn't pick up, you may never hear from him again. That'll show you.