Good Orning E-ree-ody

Well, I'm in the midst of having an almost lifelong dream come true. First, let me tell you the exciting news that will make this whole thing possible. I've just graduated from the Acme School of Ventriliquism. You've probably heard of them. They're the ones whose motto is "We teach you how to talk without ooin your litz." And, sure enough, I can now do that.
But, that's just the beginning. I've already done an amateur night at a local comedy club, and, while there were a few little glitches (to be expected) in my act, I think I wowed the audience. Let me share the evening with you. And, I can, thanks to the efforts of a Mrs. Janet Dewbarger of Laurel, who transcribed my act and emailed it to me. I'm printing it verbatim, below:

STEVE: Thank you ladies and germs.

AUDIENCE: (Laughter and applause)

STEVE: I'm Steve Cook and I brought along with me somewhere my good friend, Charlie Mahoney. Charlie are you here?

CHARLIE: (muffled) eppp mmm nnnnn dddddox

STEVE: Whoa, sounds like Charlie said, "Help I'm in the box." He must be in my suitcase here. (Steve opens box, pulls out his dummy) Well, look everybody. It's my good friend Charlie Mahoney.

AUDIENCE: (Laughter and applause)

STEVE: So Charlie, what's new?

CHARLIE: i don't know i nnnn dah ox

STEVE: Charlie doesn't know. He's been in the box.

CHARLIE: i haaa et n air

STEVE: You hate it in there?

HECKLER IN AUDIENCE: We can't understand a word the dummy's saying. You got to move your lips a little.

STEVE: Whoa. I'm a ventriliquist. Charlie, tell the nice gentleman what a ventriliquist does.

CHARLIE: He eeks without oooin his litz

HECKLER: That's totally indiscernable. You're the worst ventriliquist I've ever seen.

CHARLIE: Just or that I ne'er gon seek again. Ut ee ack in the ox.

STEVE: (covering beautifully) See what you've done. You've hurt Charlie's feelings. He says he'll never speak again. He wants to go back in the box.

ANOTHER MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE: (kindly) Steve, why don't you try moving your lips just a little. That might help.

STEVE: Hey, thanks. Charlie what do you say?

CHARLIE: Okay. How's this? My nae is Charlie.

STEVE: So, you're name is Charlie, eh. What do you for a living?

CHARLIE: I in wood

STEVE: (knocking on Charlie's head) I get it. You're in wood.

HECKLER: If you're going to repeat everything he says this is going to be a long night.

ANOTHER HECKLER: Besides, nothing you've said is funny.

STEVE: Hey, I'm just getting started. Besides ventriliquists don't have to be funny, do they?

THE NICE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Steve, I'm afraid so. Although many of them aren't. I can see why you're confused.

STEVE: Well, I had a routine planned, but some of you have kinda gotten me off my game.

NICE PERSON: Hey everybody. Let's give Steve another chance, okay?

AUDIENCE: (a few grumbles, but finally everyone applauds)

STEVE: So Charlie, do you have a nickname?

CHARLIE: Yeah, knothead

STEVE: Any relatives?

CHARLIE: Oh I ha any rothers and sisters on i a-i-lee tree.

STEVE: Please bear with me folks, I do have to repeat that one. Oh, you have many brothers and sisters on your family tree.

CHARLIE: Yeah

STEVE: What are their names?

CHARLIE: Well, there's aple.

STEVE: Maple...

CHARLIE: And Ellnnn

STEVE: Elm....

CHARLIE: And Pine

STEVE: Ine...

CHARLIE: And, little fig

STEVE: Little ig.

HECKLER: Hey, you've gotten yourself mixed up with Charlie. You're speaking in his voice and he's speaking in yours.

STEVE: I always did have trouble with that in school.

HECKLER: Why don't you go back to school.

STEVE (getting angry) Hey, Hayseed, I've had enough out of you.

HECKLER: Hey, you can't call me Hayseed. That's a hate crime.

STEVE: Sorry Hayseed, but Hayseed is a name I can use. According to the handbook for entertainers, "Epithets You Can Still Say Without Having To Make a Public Apology (note from editor: This handbook is the work of Mahatma Jose Osama Bin Vereen)." The book clearly states that since that name is almost always applied to white men, it's okay to use. So there.

HECKLER: So there, yourself.

EMCEE: Thanks Steve. I think that's quite enough.

STEVE: Say goodbye Charlie.

CHARLIE: Good eye, Charlie.

Well, that's the way it went. As I said, there were a few glitches along the way, but I'm sure even Bea Arthur had a few flubs in the early days of her illustrious career. One thing for sure, I'm not giving up. Look for me on another stage real soon.