Woe Ho Ho Is Me

I think I've discovered a new mental disorder. I'm getting ready to submit a paper to the Journal of American Psychiatry, if indeed there is such a journal. If not, I'll do the next best thing and send it to Readers Digest.
I have never read of such a disorder, which isn't to say that someone else hasn't discovered it before me, but anyway, I have made a self-diagnosis. Yes, it is I who has this new disorder.
For lack of a better term, I'm calling it "Clinical Euphoria." You see, I'm always basically happy. Yeah, if you know me, you know there's no real reason for me to feel this way. As I've stated before, virtually every decision I have ever made in life has been the wrong one.
As far as personal tragedies go, I was once recommended to be the poster boy for the American Mortuary Association. I've been to so many funerals of friends and family, that they now offer me a Frequent Cryers Discount.
And, as for career success, just consider this. I sit in my little cubicle writing tripe like this every day. You tell me.
But, I'm happy. Why? Again, please tell me. Because I can't figure it out. I'm not the best looking guy in the world, or the most physically fit. I take so many pills that my briefcase looks like the back room at CVS. But, I'm happy.
I used to think it was the coffee, which, by the way, still gives me an even extra little high, but I stopped drinking coffee for a few days and I still felt really happy. It worries me. I don't think I'm manic depressive. Or, is that bi-polar, which, if you ask me, sounds more like a gay eskimo than a mental condition.
The more I think about it, the more I'm starting to worry. What is wrong with me? Am I losing my mind? Am I delusional? Now, I'm getting really depressed about this. Really. I'm very upset. Hey, this is great. I'm actually feeling depression. I'm feeling very low about all of this. This is great. Now I am happy, even euphoric if you will.