Gwinnett County, Georgia - The Land of the Free and the Home of the Braves

Do you remember where you were and what you were doing when you learned the R-Braves were leaving R? I remember it as if it were yesterday. I was in my car. I think I was on the cell phone at the time. I've only recently begun using the cell phone while driving. But since I heard that drivers who use cell phones drive more slowly than drivers who don't, and they also don't change lanes as often, it seems like using the cell phone while driving is the safe thing to do.
Anyway, I digress. So the Braves are leaving town. Wow! I feel like I've been blindsided. No, wait! It was Richmond city officials who were blindsided. They didn't see this coming. Huh? My Uncle Earl could have seen this coming and he's been dead for 25 years.
I'll tell you who I feel the most sorry for. Charlie Diradour. He's a Richmond real estate investor, who was quoted in the Richmond Times Dispatch as saying, "What do I tell my 6-year-old who says, 'I want to go to a baseball game.'? I have to say, 'Honey, there are no baseball games.'"
Oh the humanity! I can't imagine any parent having to endure something like that. I'm glad my daughter is grown.
But, anyway, the Braves are leaving town. There are some positives to that, you know. For one thing, now that Mayor Governor Wilder doesn't have to worry his pretty little head about such things as building new ball parks, the entire city government along with the entire Braves organization can get back to the real National Pastime...pointing fingers.
I don't really blame Mayor Governor Wilder. He can't go around building ball parks for every minor league franchise that's been playing ball in the city for over four decades. Who do the Braves think he is...Daddy Warbucks?
And, I also have to say that Bruce Baldwin, GM for the local team, can be one of the most abrasive, arrogant individuals I've ever had the pleasure to meet. That's one of the good things about the Braves leaving...saying, "Bye-bye Bruce."
But, there are some negatives to this whole thing, even from the perspective of someone as positive as myself. I remember 1965. That was the last year with no baseball in the city. I was just a kid at the time and a huge baseball fan. The Yankees had their Triple-A farm team, the Virginians, who called Parker Field, "home." But after the 1964 season, the Yanks yanked the Virginians and moved them to Toledo. Shortly after that, the Milwaukee Braves announced that they were moving to Atlanta and that their farm team, the Atlanta Crackers would be relocated here. In 1966, the Atlanta Crackers became the Richmond Braves. But, 1965 was a very bad year for pimply-faced, fat teenage boys who didn't date, but who spent every Summer evening either at the ball park, or with their respective ears glued to the game on the radio.
So, I guess the real victims here are today's youngsters, pimply-faced and otherwise. I don't follow the Braves as faithfully as I did in 1966 and for many years thereafter, but I've always been glad they were a part of the city. I loved Parker Field, even when I did sit behind one of those poles that blocked my view. I love the Diamond, even when the concrete rains upon my head. But, most of all, I love baseball. There's something very special about sitting at the park with your friends and family, drinking a big orange soda, eating a five dollar hot dog, and whooping it up for the home team.
It's hard to imagine the Diamond going dark in 2009. The Mayor says we will have baseball. At least, I think that was the Mayor I heard on the soundbite on the radio. It sounded more like Weezie Jefferson, but Paul Bottoms assured us it was Mayor Wilder.
Maybe we will have baseball, but I think the chances are pretty good we won't. I'd be greatly surprised if we ever get Triple-A baseball back in the city. It really doesn't matter who is at fault here. Maybe no one. Maybe everyone. What matters is that come 2009 a bunch of strangers in Gwinnett County, Georgia will be sitting in some fancy ball park rooting for our Richmond Braves. Somehow that just doesn't seem right.
Oh yeah, I guess there is one more good thing that comes from all this. We won't have to listen to a bunch of local whiners asking, "What's Charlotte got that we don't?" From now on, we'll listen to them whining, "What's Gwinnett County got that we don't?" And, of course, the answer to that is simple...The Richmond Braves.

Now That's Using the Old Noodle

You know, I'm really, really irritated. That's not an emotion I'm used to. Typically, I'm an easy-going, unruffled guy.
I tend to take life as it comes and not sweat the small stuff and all that other mumbo jumbo "let's take a positive view of life" philosophy. But, I'm irritated.
And I'll tell you why. It all has to do with Sesame Street. You've probably heard that the first couple of seasons of the popular kids TV show have been rated unacceptable for kids. Seems that Cookie Monster is too politically incorrect, as is Oscar the Grouch and a bunch of the other original characters.
Now, admittedly, that's asanine. But, that's not what irritates me. If these idiots who justify their jobs by making stupid rulings want to put an "Adults Only" rating on Sesame Street, who is it going to hurt? Not me. Not the producers of the show. In fact, the rating will probably make more people go out and buy the DVDs.
But, here's what gets me: If today's Sesame Street is so much more "acceptable," if it's so much more in-tune with people's feelings, if it's supposed to be a kinder, gentler Sesame Street, then why Mr. Noodle?
Have you seen Mr. Noodle? The original Noodle died of AIDS. And since I censor my own stuff, I won't comment on that. The new Noodle, actor/clown/mime, Bill Irwin is a good actor. But, as Mr. Noodle, he plays a mildly retarded guy. Really! I saw him trying to hold a violin. This brainiac couldn't tell the difference between his chin and his ear.
So, here's my question: Why is it politically correct, in the 21st century, to depict a retarded guy? Why is retarded okay when grouchy is taboo? I'll tell you why. It's because Mr. Noodle is an old white guy.
There, I said it. You see, in today's world, it's okay to make fun of old white guys. They deserve it. Old white guys have abused every non-old-white-guy group of people for centuries.
All of us old white guys used to own slaves, don't you know. At least, that seems to be the opinion of many. All of us old white guys belong to the Ku Klux Klan, mistreat women, abuse Hispanics, and, as a group, are responsible for global warming.
So, we deserve to be depicted as retarded. You couldn't show a young, black guy acting retardedly. Unless, of course, it was a movie produced, written, directed, and starring young black guys.
You couldn't show a retarded woman...no matter what color she happens to be. But when it comes to old white guys, piling on is allowed. And so, Sesame Street, when they want to do something that would probably be viewed as politically incorrect, just hauls out Mr. Noodle. Mr. Noodle can be as stupid as one would desire. He can prance around and point at his nose when asked where his chin is located. He can act downright foolishly. Because, of course, he's an old white guy.
I had considered the idea of starting an organization to be known as the NAAOWG. We were going to march and picket and demonstrate and protest and do all those cool things all the other groups do. Then it dawned on us that that would mean putting down the chips and dip, getting off the couch and going outside. Ouch. I guess Mr. Noodle isn't all that bad. He is kinda funny...even cute, if you will. So what if he can't identify the parts of his face. He's an old white guy. He doesn't have to. He can always hire a minority to do that for him.

The New Improved Organic Steve

Well, let me begin by saying how great it is to be back. I've been away for the past month or so for some special schooling. The school is a division of Ohio State. It's called the Cincinnati Remedial Academic Program...better known as, well, that's not important. Anyway, I took part in an intensive 4-week course designed to help students better understand how to use the word, "Organic."
I have to admit, I'm still pretty confused, but not nearly as confused as I was a month ago when my wife brought home a special box of organic cereal she had bought at the health food store. Back then, in my unenlightened days, as I'm wont to call them, back then I have to admit I was a little upset that she spent $12.95 for a box of cereal.
Imagine my chagrin now. Now that I have a deeper appreciation for "organic," that is. Back in the old days, using my own limited understanding, the only thing "organic" meant to me is that it must have to do with one organ or another. Ha Ha. I laugh at myself...my old self, that is.
The new Steve is enlightened. I see things as a whole much more clearly. I guess you could say my thinking has become more organic. I now, seeing the whole picture, can understand why thirteen bucks for a box of cereal is a sweetheart of a deal. I can now enjoy that cereal much better knowing that before I ate it, it had been smothered in chicken manure. I think about that with every bite. I smack my lips and say, "thank you," to my wife. She's begun to call me "organic breath" as a term of endearment. So that school thing is a win-win all the way around.
And, I'm only beginning to reap the rewards of my education. Actually, you are just beginning to reap the rewards of my education. In the months to come, I think you'll be seeing me use the word, "organic" much more frequently. For instance, when reading a column I've written about architecture, I'll sneak the word in. "Huh?" you're probably saying right now. I don't blame you. But, let me make you feel better by telling you that your confusion only stems from the fact that you're still very ignorant. There, do you feel better now?
You see, organic can also mean (and I'm quoting here, from my textbook, which came free with the three thousand dollar course), noting or pertaining to any work of architecture regarded as analogous to plant or animal forms in having a structure and a plan that fulfill perfectly the functional requirements for the building and that form in themselves an intellectually lucid, integrated whole.
It's so clear now. How could I have been so unenlightened? I feel like a real boob. And, by that, I mean a stupid or foolish person, a dolt.
I could continue to regale you with ways in which my "organic" education will benefit you in weeks to come. For instance, in one of my upcoming columns on fine art, a subject I thought I was already somewhat of an expert on, I'll be using "organic." When I do so, of course, I'll mean, something pertaining to the shapes or forms in a work of art that are of irregular contour and seem to resemble or suggest forms found in nature. From now on, thanks to my education, if I see a big blob of paint on a canvas, I'll know it's organic. Because it almost has to resemble something in nature, if nothing more than a cloud. Because, you see, clouds are a part of nature. I want to make sure you understand that, because it took me about three days to really let that fact sink in. I'd have to say some in the class picked up on that much more rapidly.
For some reason, the only thing I could think of in nature was a monkey. I kept telling the professor, "but that doesn't look like a monkey," and he kept looking at me as if I were some sort of dolt, that is a dull stupid person, a blockhead, a boob, as it were.
Anyway, I come back to you a much wiser man than I was a month ago. I'm so wise now that I'll think nothing of spending twenty bucks on a box of organic cereal. In fact, I picked up a box this morning. It's delicious and, according to the box, it's lightly sweetened with pure chicken manure.