You Name It

I know I had pledged never to use this space for monetary gain, but I've hit upon an idea so brilliant, and so potentially profitable, that I think I'm going to have to reconsider that pledge. Come to think of it, I don't think I ever got around to making the pledge, so we're cool.
Here's my new business idea. I think you're going to like it, except for those of you who are green with envy that I thought it up first. Well, I didn't actually think it up on my own. You could say I was inspired.
Have you heard those commercials for the National Star Registry. They're the people who will name a star after you if you send them fifty bucks or so. I used to think that their idea was ridiculous. After all, they don't own the stars. They can't force anyone to call the stars by the names they give them. They just basically give you a piece of paper that says such and such a star is named Henry, or whatever. I used to think those people at National Star Registry were crazy, then it dawned on me, they're crazy alright, crazy like a fox. They're making money. I'm sure they make more than I do.
At least until now. I am, here, today, introducing the Steve Cook Name Anything Registry. That's right. I'll name anything after you or a loved one. Would you like a day of the week named after you, or perhaps, you'd like to give that as a gift to someone near and dear? Just send me twenty-five dollars and I'll name the day after you. Pretty cheap, eh?
I'll even send you an authentic looking letter and a calendar showing that day named for you. Just send me the money. I'll do the rest.
Or, perhaps, you'd like a planet named after you. I can do that, too, and for a mere twenty-five dollars. Heck, I'll give you a discount for Pluto since it's not a real planet.
I'll name anything. How about a number? For instance, you send me the money, and I'll send you back a sheet of paper that proves I've named a number for you. Imagine your wife's delight to get this authentic notification.

Here are the numbers: One, Two, Hilda, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten.

Can you imagine the love you'll be feeling from Hilda when she gets a letter like that? With the Steve Cook Name Anything Registry, I'll name anything. Spices? Imagine the excitement around your house, when you're sitting around the dinner table, and someone says, "Pass the salt and Bobby, please." How is Bobby going to feel then?
The beauty of my company is that we're not limited to just a few trillion stars. I'll name anything. You know that atomic table of the elements? How about if one of those elements were named Jim? Pretty cool, huh?
Or Einstein's Theory of Relativitiy? Suppose, around your house it looked like this E=Mike c2. Mike would get quite a tingle out of that.
Just use your imagination. I'm using mine. I'll even rename people for you. Did you know the first president of the United States was Herb Schmidlap? Well, when Mrs. Schmidlap sends me her twenty-five bucks, that could become a reality. Or how about this...in 1492 Columbus discovered Mary Wilson? That's right, I'll name continents, oceans, mountains, anything, and all for just twenty-five bucks. And, as I said earlier, for a limited time, I'll give you a discount on Pluto.
When we say the Steve Cook Name Anything Registry will name anything, we mean anything. I'll even rename the Steve Cook Name Anything Registry if that's what you want.
This thing is going to be big. I can feel it. In fact, just since I started writing this, I've had a dozen orders pour in. So, I better run. I have some renaming to do. I'll talk to you again on Myrtle.