Wallowing In Filth for my Fellowman

Did it feel just a tad cooler this morning? You have me to thank for that...at least partially. You see, I stayed in this hotel last night. And the folks who manage the place are patriotically energy efficient. What does that mean? It means that I slept under a bedspread that hasn't been washed. Sure, it's gross, but these hotel people seem to think it's the right thing to do. And, what with global warming and all, who am I to complain.
If I can sleep amidst the filth of previous guests at the hotel and help lower the thermometer a degree or two, I'll do it. That's the sort of guy I am. It does irritate me, though, that so many of the hotels try to put a guilt trip on you for wanting a clean towel. They have a sign with the American flag on it, just to remind the guests where they are, and what a privilege it is to be staying in a hotel in America. The sign says something like, "Do your part. Use a dirty towel. If you want to be a decent human, put your towel back on the rack and we won't replace it. If you're a no good waster of precious energy, put the towel in the basket and we'll replace it, but we'll also have to report you to Homeland Security."
I do what any self-respecting hotel guest does. I throw the towel on the floor. The message I'm sending is, "Hey, I'm the paying guest. You're the maid." I feel pretty good about myself.
All seriousness aside, though, as much as I'm all about conservation and ecology and all that, one thing that I will not do...I absolutely refuse to do, is use the word "footprint" in any conversation. I mean any conversation, not just conversations about global warming. I first heard about "carbon footprints" a couple of years ago. Okay, I thought, that's a cutesey term. But, before you know it, everyone is using the term.
I was sitting in a marketing meeting with my boss and some bigwigs from one of the local TV stations the other day, and lo and behold, my boss speaks of our corporate footprint. Whoa Nellie! Where has he heard that word. Actually, I was a little embarrassed. I figure these people are going to figure out that we have no idea of what we're talking about when we start throwing around these pseudo-intellectual terms. But, hey, what do I know. In a minute or two, this big TV executive is talking about their footprint.
I interrupt the conversation to mention how my footprint on my birth certificate is so cute, or at least my mother thinks so. Obviously, my use of the term is the most correct, but they all stop talking and look at me as if I'm the one with the screw loose. It all goes to show you, doesn't it?
Anyway, think what you will of me, I'm hoping when I die, if I die, that my epitaph will read: "He slept in a dirty bed so that America would stay strong." But, listen, if it starts getting too cold this winter, I have to warn you. I'm going to go right to a hotel with clean sheets.