Is There Anyone I Haven't Offended Here?

Twas three weeks before Christmas
And I was in a foul moo-id
When who should call me up
But my old friend, Lochru, the Druid

“Hey Pal,” he exclaimed with somewhat of a shout,
“Please tell me what this war against Christmas is about.”
“Beats me,” I replied. “That’s not my cup of tea.”
“Well,” he said, “They’re complaining about diversity.”

“Who is they” I asked, “making all this hullabaloo?”
“It’s some bunch of nuts,” he says, “known as the A.C.L.U.
Seems they don’t think Christmas is diverse enough.
But it’s total diversity. I know all about this stuff.”

“Total diversity?” I asked, with somewhat of a yawn.
“Yeah,” he said, “From the Celtic yule log to Saint Nick on the lawn.”
“I’m still in the dark. Are you saying Santa’s diverse?”
“Well, he’s really a pagan Norse god, but wait it gets worse.”

“Well,” I wisely replied, “I knew he wasn’t there in the manger.”
“And neither was Jesus in December, but wait it gets stranger.”
“Lochru, my friend,” I said over the phone.
“I don’t want to make waves. You’re in this alone.”

“All I am saying,” he replied with so very much glee,
“Is that Christmas is your day if you want diversity.
The neigh-sayers are saying that the whole day is too Christian,
And what I’m trying to say is that Christian it isn’t.”

“Well spit it out then,” I say. “Don’t let the words fail ya.”
“I say” he says, “Let’s call the Roman Saturnalia the Saturnalia.
And what could be more diverse than the Roman’s day of the sun,
mixed with Druid myth, Norse gods…add fertility rites for some fun.

“Shake it all up, add some snow till it freezes.
And then gaily proclaim, ‘Happy Birthday, Jesus.”
It seems that virtually every culture would get all their wishes,
A wham bang celebration that’s truly A.C.L.U.-LICIOUS.